Saturday, April 18, 2009

Half asleep ramblings or an epiphany?

This may sound scattered and random, but stay with me…

I’m lying here trying to fall asleep because I have to be up for a shift at Universal in a few hours and I found myself thinking about my fellow tour guides that I’ll be seeing again… I don’t know about you, but snippets of conversations pop up in my mind and lead me elsewhere.

For some reason I recalled a conversation with a fellow guide about a friend of hers who is a soap star. She went to high school with the soap star and has more training, but she admitted her friend is amazing, charismatic and drop dead gorgeous. She said her friend, the soap star, just can’t understand why she hasn’t made it and gotten a great agent too… The point of the story is that the soap star is one of those sweet people who has no idea how stunningly beautiful they are and how much of a difference that can make.

So from there I thought, “well she doesn’t really try to do much with herself…” Meaning my fellow tour guide. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, but this particular girl could stand out in a crowd with just a bit of effort that I’ve never seen her make, even outside of work.

I immediately felt bad for thinking that. Who am I to judge what she looks like or what she does or doesn’t do with her appearance? And why am I thinking about this person at all when I should be sleeping? I thought, “I’m a horrible person; I’m sure people wonder why I don’t do more to even out my crappy complexion… I wish my skin were better… The worst thing I need to fix before I can make it are my teeth…”

Mind you, all of that took place in my brain in a matter of nanoseconds, but how telling!

When I wasn’t dwelling on my future and trying to rationalize the smartest option, my subconscious reemerges with the longtime problem! I have the overwhelming feeling that if I stay in LA now, I’ll still have crooked teeth in another two or three years and look back wishing I had taken this opportunity to fix them. Just like I looked back in college, wishing they had been done in high school; and I look back now, wishing they’d been done in college… When will it end?

I feel like in this moment I have clarity, but I don’t know if it will last… *sigh* I need to be sleeping!!!

No comments: