I can not account for the past few months of my life; I can’t even bring myself to type actual number of months. I have to say “few” because it somehow seems like less than the number! As I look back, I am so disappointed in myself. Instead of motivating me forward, the coulda-woulda-shouldas have only added to the debilitating stress and uncertainty.
When I went back to Ohio in November I did look for seasonal employment, unsuccessfully. As I mentioned then, I had several personal and household goals to keep me busy, in addition to visiting with family over the holidays. But then I extended my flight an extra two weeks, I think; and then my departure became indefinite… Had I known I’d be in Ohio for a few months, surely I could have found some sort of work and banked some cash. If I knew I would have been there long enough, I absolutely would have taken improv classes at Second City in Detroit or even stand-up at the local comedy club and definitely a bar tending class. I certainly should have made a better plan back in January instead of letting the indefinite turn into the embarrassing!
On one hand I feel like I did accomplish some needed packing and organization in my home, but there’s only so much you can do. I quickly discovered how unpractical it is to try to live in a home that is even marginally packed up. And I hope it goes without saying that it was wonderful to recharge my relationship; even with all our modern forms of communication, there is absolutely no substitute for human contact. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about my lack of productiveness over the last few months; rather, I know I am lucky to have taken a sabbatical, or sorts.
To paraphrase a line from the character Carrie Bradshaw, most of all I’ve come to the realization that I absolutely must find a way to stop shoulding all over myself!
All I want in life is to be happy; I tell myself daily that my current struggles are necessary in the pursuit of my dreams and ultimate happiness. However, it’s impossible to find happiness when you constantly feel uncertain, indecisive and regretful.
I am left wondering, should I focus on making better decisions, planning better and sticking to that plan? Or could I rewire the way I think, as to accept whatever has and does happen in life? There are those words again – Should I? Could I? Would I just shut up already and live my life instead of crying as it passes me by?!?!
I know the answer is a combination of the two, but it’s simply not that easy. On my DVR in Ohio is a PBS special about understanding how things affect your brain function and emotions and learning to manipulate it. I get it, I really do, but there are so many blueberries a person can eat in a given day!
I am better than most people I know at saying mail carrier instead of mail man. I avoid the term “they” when discussing minority groups and I can not stand using absolute terms on issues that I don’t know the facts on or that reinforce stereotypes. I understand that saying “don’t run” is ineffective; you should instead say “please walk,” etc… If I’m able to recognize and control my mind and verbiage in those ways, surely I can learn to eradicate the coulda-woulda-shouldas from my vocabulary. From now on, I CAN, I WILL, I SHALL!
When I went back to Ohio in November I did look for seasonal employment, unsuccessfully. As I mentioned then, I had several personal and household goals to keep me busy, in addition to visiting with family over the holidays. But then I extended my flight an extra two weeks, I think; and then my departure became indefinite… Had I known I’d be in Ohio for a few months, surely I could have found some sort of work and banked some cash. If I knew I would have been there long enough, I absolutely would have taken improv classes at Second City in Detroit or even stand-up at the local comedy club and definitely a bar tending class. I certainly should have made a better plan back in January instead of letting the indefinite turn into the embarrassing!
On one hand I feel like I did accomplish some needed packing and organization in my home, but there’s only so much you can do. I quickly discovered how unpractical it is to try to live in a home that is even marginally packed up. And I hope it goes without saying that it was wonderful to recharge my relationship; even with all our modern forms of communication, there is absolutely no substitute for human contact. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about my lack of productiveness over the last few months; rather, I know I am lucky to have taken a sabbatical, or sorts.
To paraphrase a line from the character Carrie Bradshaw, most of all I’ve come to the realization that I absolutely must find a way to stop shoulding all over myself!
All I want in life is to be happy; I tell myself daily that my current struggles are necessary in the pursuit of my dreams and ultimate happiness. However, it’s impossible to find happiness when you constantly feel uncertain, indecisive and regretful.
I am left wondering, should I focus on making better decisions, planning better and sticking to that plan? Or could I rewire the way I think, as to accept whatever has and does happen in life? There are those words again – Should I? Could I? Would I just shut up already and live my life instead of crying as it passes me by?!?!
I know the answer is a combination of the two, but it’s simply not that easy. On my DVR in Ohio is a PBS special about understanding how things affect your brain function and emotions and learning to manipulate it. I get it, I really do, but there are so many blueberries a person can eat in a given day!
I am better than most people I know at saying mail carrier instead of mail man. I avoid the term “they” when discussing minority groups and I can not stand using absolute terms on issues that I don’t know the facts on or that reinforce stereotypes. I understand that saying “don’t run” is ineffective; you should instead say “please walk,” etc… If I’m able to recognize and control my mind and verbiage in those ways, surely I can learn to eradicate the coulda-woulda-shouldas from my vocabulary. From now on, I CAN, I WILL, I SHALL!
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1 comment:
My only advice would be this:
Don't let life pass you by while you wait for it to start.
Ya know I love ya!
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