"Most people recognize my ass from looking up at it during strip club scenes."

This morning I did background work on Showtime's Californication. I was a patron in a restaurant scene with actors Evan Handler and Pamela Adlon. For those of you asking, "who?," I know Even best as Charlotte's second husband Harry in Sex and the City. Or, he's the actor who looks like Howie Mandell. We only worked for four hours, but will be paid for 8! It was a small call, only about 25 extras; most of them were extremely low key, so I sat with the first woman who exhibited signs of a pulse. Big mistake. I ended up learning more than I ever wanted to know about the world of being a stripper extra!

I said, "You look really familiar to me, I think you remind me of someone I know, but I can't put my finger on who." She said, "Oh, we were probably extras together, most people recognize my ass from looking up at it during strip club scenes." And away she went... "My friend is really flat, but stuffs and gets tons of work, but one time they made up go topless and then she got fired... So then on my next interview I didn't stuff, just in case, and I was the only one who didn't get called back, and it ended up not being topless. I should have stuffed... And then on Showtime shows they made you were a lot of pasties..." And on, and on, and on...

Anyway, the set was gorgeous. Evan smiled at me and depending which shot they use, I might be a blur over his left shoulder! lol!

Now I'm headed to an open call at Central Casting for an upcoming vampire movie. Although my instinct is that all vampire movies for the next few years will just be bad Twilight knockoffs, it would be nice to be booked on a film that would give me steady work. And by steady I mean maybe a week of knowing you're on the same project each day. That would be awesome! They want pale, skinny, stringy haired, sickly, unhappy people. Perfect! I'm wearing a black corset and jeans with dark lips, dark eye make up and I plan to take some baby oil to my hair.

While I'm in the area, I was going to register with the highly recommended calling service across the street. However, I'm not sure this is the look I want them to photograph and their website isn't loading.

And then, Universals free six week acting class starts tonight. I'll need to practice a scene they emailed us and wash the stringy, sad, vampireness out of my hair!

I*N*S*O*M*N*I*A

I have not been sleeping at night; it's ridiculous!

It's now 5:20 a.m. and I haven't gone to bed. It's been like this for a few days now. Yesterday was really bad; I was awake until 9 a.m. and then slept until 5 or 6 in the afternoon, completely missing any possible Independence Day celebrations.

It's easy to blame this on the all night Iron Man shoots, but I don't really think that's it. It certainly didn't helped, but moreover there's some sort of bored energy that pushes the normal 2 a.m. bedtime into 4 a.m., 5 a.m., or later... I think I'm so bummed that I'm alone each night with nothing to do, that for some stupid reason going to sleep makes it seem even worse. Does that make any sense at all? The annoying thing is that I can't really account for the lost time. It doesn't feel like hours pass by, rather, all of a sudden it's tomorrow! The main way I've spent the phantom time is building a website of sorts.

It's actually a blog because that's what I'm familiar with, but I'm attempting to pass it off as my official actor website by removing as many blog attributes as possible Along with it though, I've set up another actor blog and will begin "tweeting" actor things, even though I think Twitter is really lame. I even broke down and purchased my domain name for $10. It hasn't gone live yet, but this faux website will be at myname.com, hopefully in a day or two. I thought it would happen immediately, but apparently internet magic takes one to three days.

Basically, the website and actor blog will make everything look and sound wonderful, but I'll still share the real story here! Not only is it just smart for me to own my domain name, I'm going to use this to hold myself accountable. It'll probably just increase my stress level, but hopefully I can make that work for me. Public opinion has been a part of my life for several years now as a pageant contestant and then a TV spokesperson; although I wish I didn't, the fact is that I do care what people think. Honestly, we all do!

When I was in high school and college I was always really busy and always competing and winning things. No longer receiving tangible awards that are tall or sparkly or written about in a newspaper feels odd!!! As most of you know, the pageant circuit is a place where you need to be constantly active and accomplished. Since moving on to this new phase of my life, there have been periods of time when I couldn't answer the questions "what are you doing now days? What are you up to? What's new?" At least I didn't have an answer that sounded good enough to me or impressive enough to suit my former active college/pageant contestant self.

I figure with the public actor website, blog and twitter, I'll be motivated by a fear of public scrutiny! That doesn't sound healthy does it...? Let's put it this way, if I spin everything into a positive light for those sites, maybe I'll start to believe my own bullshit instead of being such a downer all the time! We'll see... If nothing else, I now own myname.com, even though google is holding it hostage out there somewhere in the depths of cyberspace.

I AM SO PISSED!

Tonight I filled in for a friend in a role in the Mini Musical Festival; it did not go well. As I've mentioned before, it's just a 10 to 15 minute show and not difficult or a very big deal, but any performance requires a certain amount of preparation and resources that I was not given. As a result, tonight was embarrassing!

This show has 8 characters, which is a lot for such a short piece. The character I'm filling in for this weekend is one of three chorus women who are almost always onstage, either as factory workers or roadies with a band. A huge frustration is that we didn't receive actual music. I read music! I need to read music. Three of the male lead's songs were written and then the chorus had to write in where we sometimes echo or "ooooo" along with him and basically pick a note to harmonize. It's easy music so that part actually isn't the issue.

What sucks is that the show opens with the three of us onstage and over the canned accompaniment we sing a few lines, then speak a few, and so on. The first two lines of the show are sung, by my character.

Let me back up a bit... Last week I went to a rehearsal; the friend I'm filling in for couldn't be there until the end, so I assumed they'd go over music with me. Well, since there isn't sheet music that didn't happen, I just sort of watched and tried to figure out where my character fit in. I got up and learned a bit of the blocking, but it wasn't a very structured rehearsal and they were also breaking in a new male lead who was taking over the end of the run. When my friend arrived I watched her do a couple scenes, then watched the entire festival last Sunday afternoon.

Last night I went to my friend's place to go over more of the blocking, the dance moves and the music. However, she had never actually practiced with the accompaniment CD she'd been given. When she popped it in she realized that since it was given to her, they'd changed the keys of all the songs! So, I had no sheet music and incorrect canned music...

After Sunday's show the composer said he'd email me about a rehearsal. He had not. Thursday night I emailed him and he said they'd "try to get everyone together at 6:30 to run through it" before the festival began at 8 p.m. Well, that didn't happen tonight. My cast mates rolled in between 7 and 7:15, and no one was concerned. I wasn't tremendously concerned myself, but rather a bit annoyed.

Really? The person with the first fucking line is going to go on in front of a sold-out house without so much as a run through?

We talked through things, but I kept reminding people, even though I've seen the show and I understand what you're telling me, that's very different than actually, physically doing it on stage! We finally walked through a few scenes in the parking lot, no props, no music.

Okay, so those who know me well know that I love to sing; I'm a well trained singer, but HATE kareoke. Does that sound odd? I can't stand canned music and I can't always find my pitch from that weird computer generated noise they call accompaniment. Well, that's how tonight was. I counted and came in at the right moment, but my pitch was off. Gee I wonder why... because I hadn't heard the actual song in the correct key since Sunday, when I was an audience member, perhaps? I was quickly able to get the the right melody, but my next line was a measure early and then a cast mate covered my next spoken line, since I was obviously all fucked up!

It's just embarrassing because I'm so much better than that. I should have known better than to think it would just fall into place. That doesn't happen; art is a difficult discipline. Performing is so much harder than people think. I'm amazing and I love it, but the easier a performer makes it seem, the more time they've probably put into it!

Apparently, the woman I'm replacing was the glue of the cast, as later in the show everyone forgot to sing the first two lines of a group number. The director mentioned another place where something similar happened, but I don't remember where... Not all the props were correctly preset, the scene changes were sloppy, it was simply a disaster!

You probably can't tell by everything I've just written, but I do really like everyone in the show and the festival. The composer is amazingly sweet, the director is really cool, the cast is fun, but... There's just no excuse for a TEN minute show to be such a train wreck.

I am embarrassed and I want to take responsibility for my part, but I don't feel like I have the resources to do that! I mean, without sheet music or the correct key on the cd, what am I supposed to do? Tomorrow I will insist that we do the first number, with the music, on the stage before the house opens. Past that, the six people who have actually been doing the show for three weekends now really need to get their shit together!

And by "Callback" they meant...

That they'd take your "before" photos, make you sign some forms and give you your free products!

So, yes, I am in the Neutrogena SkinID trial. I am happy, but still a bit frustrated with their misuse of the term callback. You see, to an actor that insights a certain level of mental energy; I spent a lot of time thinking about what I'd say at my callback and how to sell myself as an ideal candidate. I dressed to impress, I curled my hair, etc... I shouldn't be complaining, but they shoudln't have called it a callback!

For the first time ever, I don't want this blemish gone in the morning!

To my surprise, I did get a call back for the Neutrogena SkinID trial for this afternoon. (Read the previous post first if this is new to you.) So I am actually hoping that my current blemishes don't clear up! It was odd yesterday morning, as I looked at myself in the mirror wondering, "is it bad enough?"

Is it bad enough? Of course it is! As I told the camera yesterday, I can't believe I've been dealing with this problem since I was in junior high; I'm a little bit of a control freak and my skin has never been something I could control. It saddened me to realize, what seems good by my usual standards for my face, and hopefully not too good for the purposes of this trial, should not be acceptable for anyone!

I told them yesterday, "I saw a skincare ad that was 'finally' for the woman who is too young for wrinkles but too old for acne, but I don't know who that is! I don't feel one bit sorry for her! I'm at an age that I need a product to combat both and I haven't found that yet; I'm an ignored demographic." I have no idea what SkinID targets, but that's honestly how I feel. I'm sure there is an appropriate product out there, but I don't have the money or time to try new things. Once you find a decent routine, you're hesitant to disturb the somewhat good thing that you have going, but a free trial... Fantastic!

As soon as I left yesterday I was thinking of all the things I should have said, so hopefully I'll get the opportunity to say them at the callback today.

This one's for you, babe...

Today my guy noted that I hadn't been blogging much. "I blogged from set," I replied. But he's right, I've not done anything extensive. It's been a... rough? interesting? trying? couple weeks. In my mind various things have been floating around and as a result, I haven't taken the time or found the focus to tackle any of them.

As Murphy's Law would have it, in this moment I'd like to sit here on my balcony with my cup of coffee and type up a storm, but I have to go... Recall the musical that was on, then off, then on, then off again? I felt guilty when I declined another small role in a different musical, but alas, I will be part of that damn festival after all! A friend and cast mate from one of last years shows got roped into it again this year, but she can't do the last three performances. Tonight, or right now rather, I'm going to her place to go over the music and dance moves to perform her part TOMORROW, Friday and Sunday! I've gone to one rehearsal and watched the show Sunday, but that's it. Granted, it's just a chorus role in a campy ten minute show, her character does sing the first line and there are synchronized dance steps, so I'm a little frustrated that I've not heard from the director about a run through tomorrow afternoon. Of course, I'm regretting saying yes! But, after I get tomorrow night out of the way, I'm sure Friday and Sunday will be fun; unless something better comes along that I can't do because of the show, then I'll just be pissed.

This afternoon I went to Hollywood for an audition for a trial of Nuetrogina's SkinID. If selected I'd get free products for six weeks. A year ago I contemplated a similar trial but my acting teacher discouraged me since those things are not normally paid. This time I said fuck it! I need the freebies! When I got there today I ran into a coworker from Universal who said she'd heard you do indeed get a couple hundred dollars if they use your testimonial. That would be awesome. In the audition room however, I don't think I did so well. I have always had troubled skin and in answering their "how has acne affected your life?" questions I was genuine, but I fear it didn't come off that way. Between seeing a zillion skin care product commercials and knowing what is said on them, and being a trained speaker and tour guide, I worry I wasn't "real" enough, even though I was, I wasn't. Does that make any sense? I guess we'll see!

As for my sales job, I never went back! More on that later...

I am looking at a stunning pink and blue sunset, stretching out above the biggest green screen I've ever seen! We're in the Valley, filming more expo scenes for Iron Man 2. This time the background actor holding area is just a large tent... It's going to SUCK later!

As many of you are waking in Ohio, I have yet to go to sleep in LA. Tonight's Iron Man shoot is much more involved. I actually think I'll have sore muscles because of all the running. We have done 10 to 15 takes running down a flight of 50 steps. Yes, I counted. Let me remind you, the average staircase in ones house is 10 to 15 steps! They've told us we'll be going out at least one more time, which means overtime pay! I've also been recalled for Monday, and possibly Tuesday, at a different location that is much closer to my apartment.

Photos from last night

These are not as exciting as you thought they would be...

Part of the lovely holding area; I was incredibly impressed by how thoroughly the gymnasium floor was covered.


Here we are walking down the stairs to the courtyard; note the graphics I mentioned previously projected up on the wall.


This huge green screen was a story above the courtyard where we filmed our running scenes; in the photo above, I had just walked around it and it was then on my left.


Production trailers; none of the actors were there, meaning none of the fancy trailers and cool cars. Last night we did filmed a few more running takes at about 4:00 a.m. and were then release at 5, but will be paid until 6 a.m., minus a half hour break! So, yes, I'll get a little bit of overtime, having only been onset for like 45 minutes!

I'm headed back right now for another 6:30 p.m. call time.

At about midnight we finally went to the set, if you can call it that. The courtyard area of this high school campus is huge, modern and very industrial. They only had a few "expo" signs and graphics projected on a large wall. All we did was four takes, running and screaming as drones attack. This scene will end up including tons of CGI , crazy editing and special effects.

After chatting with some other actors, they set out another meal for us. It's like wedding reception food, but about ten times better.

Others who've worked the previous two nights don't think we'll be here as long, since none of the characters are here shooting their scenes. I hope they're wrong; I'll gladly stay till the sun comes up in order to get overtime pay!

Well, five hours later, I've still done nothing! I can't complain and I was totally wrong about craft services, there has been a constant spread.

We're in a 98% finished wing of this high school, so it's perfect for this purpose. Although, someone was speculating this was the school that cost millions but hasn't been opened due to toxins or something. Yikes!

Hello from the auditorium of LA High School. I've been here for nearly an hour and a half and done nothing but consume a burger and fries! I have no idea when they'll be taking us to the set, but I have heard that shooting has been going till 6 a.m.

Headed to Iron Man 2!

I am headed off to my first gig through Central Casting - extra work on Iron Man 2! It's going to be huge, I'm guessing like 500 extras; we're supposed to be attendees at a techie expo in New York City. We had to agree to "lots of running," so I assume it's a scene where all hell breaks loose.

My biggest concern is hunger. I'm eating now, but this is my first meal of the day; I have to be there at 6:30 and it'll last 8 to 12 hours. I highly doubt they'll have craft services (food on set) for such a large scene with so many extras. I'm taking a snack, but with that, a second outfit just in case and planning whether to carry a purse or keep the few essentials on me, I feel like like I'm packing for a trip! $8 an hour shouldn't take such mental energy! I guess I'm just a little nervous; it's not that my "performance" will actually be seen by anyone or that I'll even make the credits, but rather that it's my first time on a big, working production, and first job with Central. I don't want to fuck up in any way...

I'm sure I'll have lots of fun updates, stories and maybe even a picture later.

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Random!

In my last post I likened the lanes of LA traffic to a snail and a turtle; but then I wondered, was that right? Are turtles slightly faster than snails, or is it the other way around?

Well, thank you LOL blog for letting me know I was correct:

"Wait, what?"

That is what I keep saying to myself. "I'm sorry, what? You'll have to explain this again because it can't be right..."

What am I talking about? My life! My current existence. This situation I find myself in. My guy was here for seven days, which is his longest trip yet; he usually distributes his days off in shorter segments. We had an absolutely wonderful time. We visited three different beaches, we hiked three different canyons, we went to two films, spent a day at Universal, had a picnic at the park... We're just good together! It's instant; I totally forgot it was even his first day here until he noted it was 2 a.m., his time. I could go on and on with the sappiness, the point is that my life is full and complete when my true love is here to share it with. Being reminded of that for not just three or four, but seven days, made his departure the hardest yet. At the airport he had to put me back in my car and walk away.

My life is so hollow without someone to share things with. I do nothing. NOTHING! Sure, I have a few friends out here and one of my roommates is awesome, but everything with everybody is "we should do...," "we should meet...," "I'll let you know..." And that's as much my fault as theirs, probably more so. When that one special person is present in your life, you actually go and you do and you, I don't... LIVE!

In that week I became so used to not being alone anymore, I am now completely lost. Last night I wrote to my guy, "I feel honestly confused and paralyzed at the idea that you're not here anymore, that we're not going to wake up and go hiking tomorrow, that I will spend my day at the most unfulfilling job I've ever had only to come back to this apartment and have absolutely nothing of major importance to do... I mean, that can't be right, can it? How is it that we have the one thing most people can never find, and yet, we can't fully enjoy it? I just feel like I can't, can't, CAN'T keep living like this, without you."

So needless to say I was none to happy about going back to my daily grind yesterday. I started off a bit behind schedule, but then it was shot to hell when the apartment manager stopped by. It was an issue I had to talk to her about. Obviously it's my fault that a few minutes would push me into serious lateness; what wasn't my fault was not being able to find the lid to the container I wanted to take coffee in. I hate my kitchen and my roommates lack of cleanliness and organization. So frustration was added to my apathy.

Once in my car, the very first bump I hit on my side street knocked my rear view mirror off my window. My guy had forgotten it was broken and had tried to adjust it early in the week, thus disturbing the way it had been rigged up there for over a year. It was dangling by a 4 inch wire, swirling around and bouncing against the window.

I merged onto the highway to find a bumper-to-bumper traffic moving at a snails pace. Yes, I'm in LA, which is known for traffic, but for the place and time, this was abnormal. Without the mirror I couldn't possibly get across four lanes of traffic to the "fast lanes" in which I could have upgraded to turtles pace.

Tears. Instant, pathetic, stupid tears start rolling down my face. None of it was worth the hassle. When you're alone in the world again it's even harder to power through the things that you hate...

Last Tuesday, when I last worked, they made a huge deal about tardiness, saying if you were late you'd get the worst agent number (meaning really old leads) and they won't do any take-overs for you. I don't know if they're actually enforcing that or if it was a one day threat, but it deterred me from trying to get there at all. By my standards, my mascara streaked cheeks and red nose could not be seen in public, so I got off the highway at the next exit and drove back to my apartment. I know I'm going to be on probation; I'll absolutely have to get five deals in a week to keep that job, but I don't want that job.

I thought after a week off I could go back refreshed, but instead it made me dread it more than ever. When you're in a routine, it's just what you do, but once you step away from it, you can see how truly horrible it is! Why the hell are we enduring such loneliness during our long weeks apart and debilitating angst with every goodbye, when I'm not even doing what I'm here to do? I mean, I'm selling fucking auto warranties from 1 to 7 p.m., which renders me nearly incapable of auditions and classes. The job boasts of flexibility, but that's only for the "hitters," as they call them. If you don't sell enough, you can't constantly get time off for this and that. This is a job that I honestly don't want to be good at, even though it's a decent company and product, I can't stand the tactics. Most of the people who are successful, are absolute douchebags who work longer hours; they think they're god's gift to warranty sales, as if that's an impressive life accomplishment.

I know my goal was to get a day job and save some money, but after a month and a half of doing just that, I find myself freaking out. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? I haven't gone on a real audition in a month! I'm no closer to having a good agent than I was six months ago and our house in Ohio has been on the market for a year now. Why? Certainly not so I could spend all my time selling shitty auto warranties over the phone. If I wanted to waste my life in an unfulfilling job, I could have stayed in Ohio and avoided the heartache.

As for that horrible job I blew off yesterday, I think I could probably waltz in today without consequence. If by chance someone actually notices and mentions that I was supposed have been there yesterday, I think I could play dumb. Oops. Did I write down the wrong date? My guy says he would fire one of his sales people for something like that. I don't care. I know my number is about up anyway. The funny part is that I was more motivated to outlast the people I trained with than by my earning potential. Now that I am the last of my class left on my shift, what have I to strive for? Um, actually keeping my job and making tons of money? Well, yes, there's that, but this is not a company at which I'll flourish, and I'm okay with that. I really like that I'm stimulated by something other than money. Being the last one to endure was so much more fulfilling than successfully selling a markup to a customer who is fighting tooth and nail not to buy...

Some friends were really supportive, saying I deserved a "mental health day!" I don't know that it helped though. I did nothing yesterday and feel more lost than ever. It's like I just woke up from a coma or something; I'm really trying to understand what's going on around me and it just doens't make sense.

The mini musical that could, then it couldn't, then it could again, and now it can't...

As I mentioned before, after the run of the ten minute musical festival last year I found myself a bit frustrated with the lack of professionalism and caliber of performance, both from myself and those I worked with. If you'd have asked me then, I would have said I'd absolutely not do that festival again.

Fast forward one year and I was elated to have the director of the theatre help me move into my new apartment and eager to get back on stage, any stage, once again! This years festival opens the 19th of this month; I was given a dominant role in one of the shows about a month ago. Three weeks ago I auditioned for a director, who then quit before even holding a rehearsal and so the show was off. At that point I was bummed... Then it was on again! A week and a half or two weeks ago, I actually saw the script for the first time at our read-through. Two of the six roles still needed to be filled, so I took my roommate along to audition for it.

Though perfect for the role, my roommate couldn't fit it into his work schedule. At our second real rehearsal, this past Tuesday, another man auditioned and was instantly given the role, and the sixth small part was still open, as was the end of the show... The writer was still finishing things and we'd not actually gotten sheet music of the songs!

Wednesday they met for a music rehearsal, which I did not attend because my guy got into town that day and it was our anniversary. Then last night, as I peeled myself off of the couch, where he and I were watching movies, to go to a 9 p.m. rehearsal, I discovered two voicemails from the director. Three cast members had quit within 20 minutes of one another! One due to work and the other two were family and had to travel out of the country for a funeral! Now it is officially cut from the festival.

This time, I am relieved. My assumption is that the music rehearsal I'd missed the night before was probably a huge disaster! I knew what I was getting into, but I could see the look of "WTF?!" that I had had last year on the faces of my cast mates on Tuesday night.

At my last rehearsal our director, who again is a co-owner/director of the theatre, received a call from the director of another musical in the festival still looking to fill a small part. No surprise, in his voicemail to me with the "bad news" that my musical was cut, the director had "good news" that I could fill a role in another show. I am horrible at saying no to people and though I feel really guilty, I am proud of myself that in this case I did it! This musical festival opens in six days! The role was described as "lots of singing and dancing" and I do not dance! There's no way I was going to devote several hours of rehearsal to a tiny part in a thrown-together ten minute musical, while my guy's in town! Not to mention, I hadn't told work that I'd need to leave early on Thursdays and Fridays for the next four weeks to get to the performances! I hate to be a diva, but having one or two lines in a ten to fifteen minute show is simply not worth it...

I do feel very badly about it. I mean, when he helped me move, the thanks I was to give him was by being in the musical festival. I remember thinking (and probably writing) that it was a total win-win for me!

*sigh*

I don't think I've burnt a bridge, but I've definitely let someone down, which is often worse...

This is why I don't like being early...

"To be early is to be on time; to be on time is to be late and to be late is unacceptable."

There are people in this world who live by that motto; they are better than I. I like to be just a tad early, but right on time for the most part. Being too early makes me crazy.

Case in point, I had to move my car at 8 a.m. My guy's flight gets in at 11:15. On the way, I need to stop at a store that opens at 10:30... So here I sit at 9:38, going C*R*A*Z*Y! My makeup is on, my apartment is clean, I am just waiting to leave. I probably should have gone to the grocery this morning, but now there's not quite enough time to do that...

Right now my guy is somewhere over Colorado (thanks to flightaware.com) and I just want him here. Now. It's been two months and two days since we last saw each other, which is not long in comparison to some distance relationships, but the longest he and I have ever been apart in our five and a half years (today!) of knowing one another.

I don't know how, but I made it through the last two days of work and am looking forward to seven days with him. We have a loose schedule of great things planned, including two free movies, a day at Universal, hopefully a day at the beach if the thermometer can manage to crack into the 70s... I do have rehearsals for the mini-musical, but other than that, it's just he and I!

Needless to say, I'll likely not be blogging much...

Survivor: Warranty - Outlasting and going out of my freaking mind!

It is almost 4 a.m. and I should be sleeping.

I just spent a ton of time on my other blog compiling a list that was all involved, as if I'm still a participant in a past activity. Now my alertness has shifted from an activity that I know all too much about to the reality of my sales job, at which I'm still a novice.

I've been working on an entry titled "My job makes me feel bi-polar," but have yet to finish and post it. In a nutshell, sales is full of extreme highs and lows. Two weeks ago, I wrote seven deals; three of which came on the same day! That's called a hat trick and it makes you feel pretty damn good. The managers kept asking me what I was doing differently and acting as if I suddenly "got it." No. Not at all. I truly believe it's the leads, and maybe that's part of my problem. That week I was using the log in of a veteran employee who was on vacation. I was calling people who literal requested the information online twenty seconds prior!

Last week I should have had four new deals and three post dates. None of the post dates went through and one of the deals was disconnected after I got bother her VIN number and credit card info; I just needed to transfer her to verification but haven't been able to get her back on the phone. That's a very frustrating situation. As a result of only putting three deals on the board last week, I was back to a horrible "agent number" today, calling leads that were six weeks old. What the fuck? I am so sick of working at a place that fosters the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer... And they wonder why they have to hire a new training class every four to six weeks?

Friday was the last day for my closest female coworker; I miss her, but we all knew it would happen because I don't think she ever did more than three a week. All last week a male coworker, who I give a ride to work, was out of town. Today he came back and was told some managers wanted to outright fire him, but another "fought for him" and the requirement was that he had to get at least one deal every single day, or he'd be gone. That's rough because normally the probation period requires five deals in a week, no matter when or how you come by them. He didn't get a new deal today, but a post date hit the board for him, so we're not sure if he's good for tomorrow or not. Either way, he hates it and is ready to move on; meaning, I'll be the last of my training class left on my shift. There were four of us and now just me...

But I've taken this Wednesday to next Wednesday off since my guy will be in town. I haven't been on probation, so the time was given without question. I expected them to tell me just to take the full two weeks, since only two days in a work week doesn't do much for anyone in my job, but they did not. Now I'm awake at 4 a.m. thinking I should make that extension for myself.

I did try at work yesterday, but it was miserable and unsuccessful. If today is the same, all that does is put a huge target on my back! I know I'll be on probation as soon as I get back from my vacation. Then there's the fact that the Thursday and Friday I get back are show nights; I'll need to leave an hour early to get to the musical. I feel like I'd be better off not going in today and then extending my leave through all of next week. That way I'd go back Monday the 22nd and have a full work week to get five deals and be in the clear again. Does that make sense?

I am usually not one to shy away from making money. I'll do what I have to do to make ends meet; I mean, obviously, I've been enduring this bullshit for six weeks now! But I really feel like going in today and not getting a deal is worse than not going in at all and the meager amount money I'll earn today barely feels worth it.

Per my request via an email that basically said everything written above, my guy (the sales manager) just called me. His words of wisdom? "Effort goes a long way in getting someone to cut you some slack." Gggrrr! *sigh* Eye roll.

I know he's right, but it's certainly not what I wanted to hear when I'd pretty much talked myself out of going to work today.

Two weeks ago when I got seven deals, I felt like I could do this job; once you're on a roll, it's not hard anymore. But when you're dealing with people who don't even remember requesting a quote, it's an out-and-out fight to get their credit card. Even though the company is credible, closing people in a single call almost always requires some sort of white lie; it's never about the coverage they get, and price is always a negotiating tool, but rather it's about why they have to buy today. When you're getting new leads, creating that urgency is like a comment mentioned in passing; it's fine because they wanted to buy anyway. But when the leads are old, that white lie becomes a heavy dead horse that you have to beat over their head for thirty fucking minutes... I don't get exhausted from talking to people, following my script and responding to their objections. But when it becomes a fight and everything hinges on the white lie reason they have to buy today, I just can't take it. This is not the kind of job for me.

I've proven I can do this job, when given the opportunity with legitimate buyers, but I'll gladly be fired before I become like the cold hearted douchbags I work with who think it's funny to take the last dollar from someones bank account based on the complete lie that if not today, they could never get a warrenty on their car, that's a piece of shit no matter what!

So what will get me through six more hours of it this afternoon? Probably Silly Puddy and secretly working on my lines. If by chance a buyer actually picks up the phone, that will be great, but if not, I'll harbor no feelings of inadaquacy. In the game of Survivor: Warranty at least I outlasted the other newbies of my shift!

Over It!

I am at work, hating my job right now! I'm calling leads that requested a quote six freaking weeks ago! That's pathetic. And I'm only working today and tomorrow, then I'm off for a week while my guy's in town. Needless to say, I am checked out, completely! No one's answering, so I'm working on lines for the musical.

Nothing like an evening stroll on a movie lot...

Last night I met a Universal coworker/former scene partner/friend and his partner for an employee screening of Land of the Lost. This is not a movie I would have ever considered even seeing on dvd, but since the screening is free, and we have to tell our guest it filmed in Stage 27 and I feel really cool being on the lot, I went... Oh, and I had nothing else to do on a Friday night. I tried to have an open mind and it was slightly better than expected, but still not my cup of tea. Neither Will Farrell nor the plot did anything for me. The dinosaur named Grumpy and Matt Lauer's cameo were both fantastic though!

After the movie we decided to find Stage 1 where Conan O'Brien is now filming Late Night, since the tram is now going a different direction to show the guests. It's probably adding three to five minutes to the tour and taking us by sound stages that we know nothing about. The funny thing about movie lots, or Universal's at least, is that the sound stages do not go in order. For example, Stage 5 is next to Stage 16. Also, what appears to be a single building might house or connect multiple stages, so it's very confusing. One of our stall clips features Jason Alexander talking about getting lost his first day of filming Seinfeld.

[The two photos below are things seen on the front lot that I found random and amusing.]













Anyway, we walked in circles for a while and finally decided that Conan's new theatre must be in an unmarked building right up front by one of the gates. As tour guides, my friend and I have "All Access Passes" and can technically go anywhere on the lot as long as we're not interrupting filming. Many employees walk the lot for exercise, but we were both still hesitant to use our privilege, especially since it was 9 p.m. and we had a guest with us. But after passing a couple security guards without incident, we became braver! We decided we would walk a bit more, and my friend decided he had to go to the restroom. Restrooms only accessible to the outside were open on one of the stages and I said, "I'll go too, just to say I went in Stage 24!"

My friend wanted to walk around inside Stage 28, which still has some of the Paris Opera House sets from the original Phantom of the Opera (1925); it's supposedly haunted by Lon Cheney. I was relieved when all the doors were locked. We journeyed past the production bungalows and I took a picture with the giant Mr. Potato Head that sits by the Hasbros offices and with the Alfred Hitchcock silhouette painted by the door of his former bungalow, #5195. (I know I stress my anonymity on this blog, but I think the quality of this picture is so poor, it's no big deal.)


We walked behind the sound stages the the tram passes to the lesser seen, older ones, where a production crew was striking a set (tearing it down). We noticed at least five different stages that were labeled for Desperate Housewives, indicating which sets were inside.






At every point I felt like perhaps we shouldn't go any farther, but there there would be one more thing we wanted to see. That is especially true of the ongoing construction of the metropolitan sets. We gazed up at the half-built structures and pondered if they'd be done this month, as the rumors say. They seem much larger, taller and more substantial than before. Then again, my friend and I had been employed only a week and barely experienced them before the fire.

At this point we had officially crossed from the front lot to the back lot, where (as we tell our tour guests) "the world is just around the corner." And so are the coyotes and bobcats! No sooner did my friend mention them as the main reason we're discouraged from walking around back there at night, did we hear them howl! I called my partner, who was fast asleep in Ohio, and he assured me that they're more afraid of us...

By this time security had driven by us a couple times, but after the first flash of our badge, didn't even slow down. We were smart enough not to walk into any of the construction but rather follow the road beside it which eventually leads to an intersection of sorts between Six Points Texas, the Red Sea and New York Street. From there, we could see another section of the Metro sets were more accessible; we carefully walked in and decided it was being used for filming. It was free of construction and complete with set dressings. As we proceeded farther in, we found ourselves in Court House Square. COURT HOUSE SQUARE! As in, To Kill a Mocking Bird, Back to the Future and now Ghost Whisperer.

One of the misconceptions after the fire was that it was destroyed, but it was not. The actual Clock Tower building and a row of facades adjacent to it were not touched. I literally ran up the steps of the Clock Tower. We stood in front of Melinda's antique shoppe called The Same as it Never Was. We pondered if the cracks in the sidewalk were real or made to look that way by a set designer.

Even though the moon was almost full above us, there were few other lights and it makes me sick that my phone's camera couldn't capture any of it. As I wrote after my first walking tour of the lot as a new guide, the feeling of being ON THE LOT is incredible. I mean, just standing where great actors have stood is amazing and feeling the energy of a place that holds all the potential in the world is indescribable! It's remarkable how real the facades look while still holding the magic of being transformed into anything, anywhere and in any time period. At the same time, it was eery. That, obviously, came from the darkness and my general jumpiness. I felt like at any time something could creep out of a shadow, be it a coyote, a security guard, a Ghost Whisperer ghost, or the Creature from the Black Lagoon! One of the faux brown stones had its door standing open; it was gaping blackness that sent a chill up my spin!

We decided there was a possibility our cars could get locked in the garage, so we headed back toward the front lot. On the way, were made a loop around a large, unmarked building, and decided it must be the infamous film vault. That is something we're not allowed to talk about on the tour; during our training they said they'd point it out to us, but never did. Behind it is a smaller two story building with several outer doors on both levels, like a motel. It's industrial, raw, old look seemed more like jail sells to me. First we thought they were old dressing rooms, but none I would ever want to use. You could tell it was old by the door nobs and each door had a light by it, so we decided they must have been dark rooms for film developing. Again, very creepy.

My friend had to use the restroom again and so we went to one right behind Six Points Texas. With the ominous moon above us and what looked like an old western ghost town before us, it was certainly unsettling, but so, so cool! We were on the opposite side of the sets than what the trams drive by. It's amazing how many different environments can be created in such a small space.

Finally, we walked back into the front lot and once again by the production bungalows. Like peeping toms, we found ourselves taking a closer look! Again, we only ever drive by them. Upon closer inspection we found an influential casting office where we both plan to hand deliver headshots! We unsuccessfully tried to locate Ron Howard's parking spot by the Imagine Entertainment offices, but did find Marc Platt's by Reveille (the producer of Wicked and Ugly Betty) and legendary producer Dino De Laurentiis (he won an Oscar for La Strada and produced hannibal and the original King Kong). Their offices were both amazing; yes, we literally looked in the windows.

My friend desperately wanted to walk down into the Amblin Entertainment bungalows, but I would not. Amblin is Stephen Spielberg's production company; his offices are sort of behind the others. Though you can clearly see them from the tram if you know where to look, even nodding in their direction is grounds for immediate termination! My friend gave me crap for picking the jasmin that is now filling my bedroom with a wonderful aroma and he warned me several times not to put these pictures on Facebook. I replied, "this flower will not get us in trouble, but I like my job and my clean criminal record too much to step foot toward Spielberg's bungalows!"

Nearly two and a half hours after the movie ended, we finally left the studio. We had to have walked a two or three miles. I would have never guessed a stupid Will Ferrell film could develop into such an inspiring evening! Being in that environment makes me want to learn all there is to know about the history of Universal and it makes me want to devote all the time and energy I have to becoming the best possible actor. Well, I guess that's laughable at this moment, as I'm blogging at 5 a.m. and I have a rehearsal at 1 p.m. for a show that opens in less than two weeks with a script I received only a day ago!

Nonetheless, I love being a tour guide...!

Holy shit - I am STANDING in COURT HOUSE SQUARE!

Only in LA...

Yes, I believe that is a teal vintage hearse.

I took this picture some time ago, but it's been on my phone. It was on Ventura Boulevard in Studio City. Speaking of, until I moved here, I never realized these line in Tom Petty's "Free Falling" were about a real places: The San Fernando Valley, Ventura Boulevard, Mulholland (drive).

All the vampires walkin through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
A ll the good girls are home with broken hearts

And Im free, free fallin
Yeah Im free, free fallin
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im
Free fallin, now Im free fallin, now im

I wanna glide down over mulholland
I wanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin
Gonna leave this world for a while

And Im free, free fallin...

A scientific encounter of the church kind...

First, my roommate and his friend apologized profusely about Saturday night; they paid for my entry and drinks at a nearby comedy club last night to make it up to me. It was good times.

-

The following took place a couple weeks ago, the first time I went to Central Casting, and was hand written on scrap paper while I was at work last week:

She didn't look like an alien! She was an attractive, short, bubbly woman of Asian descent...

When I first ventured to Central Casting I was approached by a photographer on my way in, as well as a representative from another calling service. In terms of marketing, it is a smart place to catch people who are likely new to the biz. As I left, the afore mentioned woman approached me, offering an acting seminar. "It's being held at a beautiful French casting in Hollywood." she said.

At no point did she say the Church of Scientology but the flyer she gave me did and everyone knows that castle is called the Celebrity Center. It is an absolutely stunning mansion right in Hollywood. Of course it is gated and surrounded by bushes and trees. Across the street is a row of cute cafes. I've driven by a few times and wondered, if I were to sit at one of those cafes, might I see Tom Cruise?! It is an extremely congested traffic area and I quickly learned to avoid it, if possible.

Anyway, I chatted with the woman at Central Casting. She was extremely sweet and I'm always intrigued to hear what people are pitching... She spoke about the two guest speakers, a casting director and B-list actress. She mentioned the parking was free several times, but not the $17 fee written on the flyer.

The seminar began at 7 p.m. and I told her that's when I got off work and likely couldn't get to Hollywood until 8 p.m. She wanted my name to hold my seat. I gave her my first, but refused to give my last name. We joked about having our information "out there" too much. She was persistent though and although I knew I wasn't going to attend I somehow gave her my phone number.

I walked away asking myself, "why the fuck did I just do that?" Well, because I was smart enough not to give my email address which is my whole name! My outgoing voicemail message only includes my first.

That afternoon a man left me a voicemail to confirm and then another one around 5 or 6 p.m. That night I was honestly stuck on a call at work until 7:20. I thought about calling them back, as to not be a no-show, but I did not. I had made it absolutely clear to the woman that I would be late, if I made it at all. Then the man's message suggested I arrive early; their lack of communication made me feel I had no reason to be accountable to them. Even if I could have been on time, I would not have gone.

Please don't freak out or be concerned for me. I would never in a million years become a Scientologist. I am not a fan of any type of organized religion. I am, however, always interested in hearing the philosophies by which people lead their lives. I'm the bitch who would invite the Jehovah's Witness' into my home just to challenge them.

I personally try not to judge people based on their faith. I think the world would be a much better place if everyone would acknowledge that we don't all have to believe the same thing. The superiority complex people have about their religion makes my stomach turn! We really expect everyone to think the same about things as subjective and personally important as spiritual beliefs? Really?

I digress. As much as I would absolutely love to see the inside of the Celebrity Center, I don't even want to be on their radar! I should hope the Scienctologists would respect my disagreement with their religion; however, given their Hollywood connection I was concerned about being black listed! I mentioned that to my roommate and he joked that in this town, it's not the Scientologists you have to worry about black listing you, rather it's the Jews! Roommate #1 further shared that some of his friends had gone and described the experience like "being locked in a time-share meeting!"

According to #1s friends, at the Celebrity Center they perform some sort of test that monitors your heart rate in order to calculate your stress and negative energy, or something like that. Then they keep you there for hours trying to convince you to let them "fix you." He didn't know if his friends attended under the guise of an acting seminar or something else.

Needless to say, I was so thankful there were no solicitors of any kind the second time I went to Central Casting and though I doubt I'll get off so easily, I hope this is my last brush with the Hubbord worshipers!

A very strange night out

With this post I'm doing two things:

First, sharing some things that many of you will not like. I think I've written that before, but this time I'm confident that disapproval will be vast. Nonetheless, this is reality! Second, this will solidify that my new roommates will never learn of this blog.

I think my new roommates are great and I feel much more alive in my new locale thanks to all that's in walking distance. For the sake of this blog, let's call them roommate #1 and #2. Although #2 is who I communicated with during the process of getting this place and who I share a bathroom with, he's always at work or with his boyfriend so I barely see him. #1 and I are becoming fast friends; I got him an audition for the musical festival and he's taken me hiking in the Hollywood hills.

This weekend #1 has his closest hetero male friend in town for a visit. He got here this afternoon and they invited me to hang out with them at the nearby park. They chatted about old friends and I tried to get a tan. Back at our apartment #1 cooked a fantastic supper for the three of us prior to going clubbing. At first, of course, the friend and I exchanged pleasantries. Then he asked #1 if he could call #2 "fag." WHAT? They kind of joked and I said, "well, if the f-word is fair game, then I'm going to start asking for wardrobe advise... I didn't realize it was cool like that..." Later during supper their friendship baffled me more. He also uses the words homo and "so gay;" we discussed racism, sexism and stereotypes.

On one hand it's great to have discussions like that. On the other hand, this friend was totally crossing the line, in my opinion. He says homosexuality doesn't bother him, that his band plays at a gay club twice a week and that he loves #1 (as a friend). But he also said he knows he's a little bit racist and sexist; even #1 agreed with him, saying "all stereotypes come from somewhere." I found myself reminding my roommate, "you're a minority too, so you have to know that you can't believe every stereotype 100%." To that he replied, "I'm not a minority, I'm a white male." "YOU'RE GAY!" I said.

There's a very thin line between proactively using humor to point out the ridiculousness of stereotypes and using humor to excuse your belief in stereotypes. Although our supper conversation never got heated and nor did it make me dislike either one of them, I felt like they thought they were doing the first, but to me they were actually participating in the later. I used to have black friends with whom inappropriately race jokes were made but everyone involved knew the comedic intent and parameters; tonight felt different. I think the friend actually thinks the words he used are alright to use all the time and #1 tolerates it for some reason.

Anyway, long before supper was prepared, we figured out the logistics of the evening. Though I do enjoy the effects of alcohol, I am ingrained with the anit-substance abuse lessons of my youth and have no tolerance for substance use and driving. We agreed that since #1 likes to drink wine while he cooks that he would "pre-game" and I would drive his car over the hill to West Hollywood where he would not consume anything, but I would. The estimated time spent at the clubs would be more than enough to render him capable of driving us back.

On the drive to West Hollywood, where all the trendy gay clubs are, they smoked a bowl. Or is it bull? It sounds like bull when people say it, but I think it's "a bowl" when it's out of the small glass thing. I've only been around weed a half dozen times in my life, so I'm familiar, but not well versed. I know some of you are gasping. How could I allow myself to be in a vehicle where illegal activity was going on?! The thing is, I was raised in a sheltered rural community, to believe that marijuana was something that only ethnic gang-bangers did in scary urban centers. I've come to learn that could not be farther from the truth. I now know people from every walk of life who have or do smoke pot. Period. Reality. To some, it can definitely lead their lives a stray and to others it seems to be no different than a nicotine fix. At my new sales job there are a handful of guys who are openly pot heads. Lucky for them, there's no drug testing and somehow they still sell there asses off.

I'm not saying I condone smoking weed; I don't entirely understand it and I don't have an addictive personality, so it's presence is of no consequence to me. I rarely drink alcohol due to its expense and calorie count, so my talking about weed is of absolutely no concern... What I am saying is that I've come to recognize that it's a reality in life and much different and less horrible than it was initially presented to me in my youth. While I had a couple friends who smoked in college, it is only now becoming something that I encounter more frequently. Is it irony that I now have a roommate that smokes and coworkers who aren't guarded about it? Or is it a California thing? I have no idea...

Anyway, I have witnessed fully functional, yet stoned individuals, including roommate #1. This evening, however, was different. Once we parked the car and headed to the clubs, he and his friend were clearly unsober. Thankfully, we were in West Hollywood. There were gay men as far as the eye could see, with the occasional lesbian and hag, like me, so I at no point felt unsafe. The company of #1 and his friend was no longer enjoyable though. The first club we waited in line for wouldn't let us in, telling my roommates, "you look like you've had enough, you'd be a liability."

We kept texting roommate #2, who claims he's always out in WeHo on the weekends, but he never responded. So, I was stuck with super high roommate #1 and his hetero friend who kept saying, "look at all the gay dudes... but I'm okay with it..." Sometimes drunk or high people can be fun but this had crossed to the embarrassing.

Prior to having a drink myself, I was waiting to see my roommate begin to sober. It was a sight that never came. Rather, he was ready to go home surprisingly soon. The friend, who wasn't as affected, and I pressed on to a dance club. For a while it was fun; I hadn't been dancing in a long time. A go-go dancer up on a platform looked like Brittney Spears and the music was good. Then #1 dismissed himself to the bathroom and never came back. By this time the friend was getting drunk, so I insisted he and I find #1. I received a text from him that he was around the corner at a coffee shop. What the fuck?

Although the club right next door is literally called my name, we didn't make it there. We retrieved #1 from the coffee shop and headed back to the car. I, obviously, drove back to the Valley. #1 seemed to be back to normal on the way home while his friend passed out in the back seat.

Did I have fun tonight? No, not really. It was strange. I don't need to drink to have a good time, but it is a let down when your night out turns into a baby sitting trip. I don't mind that I was able to give two friends a safe night out, but I question if they had much fun either. I understand drunkness and drunk people, but I'm still trying to figure stoners out.

The strangest part happened between the two of them at the coffee shop and back at our apartment; they had rather rough exchanges. They'd share a pissy look and say "fuck you dude, seriously..." I had no idea where it came from. It was so random! Was it the pot or had I missed something? Back at our apartment the friend even said, "I hate this guy." I joked, "you have mood swings, two hours ago you loved him." I wish I could transcribe the specific lines, but I don't remember. I'm now on my second glass of very deserved wine. Much like the supper conversation, it was littered with inappropriate words and half jokes, half truths. At one point the friend remarked, "why did you invite me out here?" I quickly said, "good night guys, I'm going to bed." Just as quickly #1 said "____ sandwich" (insert my name) and they did a joking Night at the Roxberry thing from that popular old Saturday Night Live sketch.

It was all SO weird. Are they mad at each other? How can you call someone your close friend when they use derogatory terms about who you are? And moreover, will they remember any of it tomorrow...? Unfortunately, I will.

'Sweeney Tidd' - The Mini Musical that won't Die!

Luckily, the short musical Sweeney Tidd is not so easily met with demise as those who sit in the chair of the original Sweeney Todd!

The writers of this show offered me the female lead; I auditioned for the director last weekend, only to learn he had to quit and the writers didn't think they could pull it off on their own. Now one of the co-owners/directors of the theatre will be running the rehearsals; he is the same gentleman who called me into audition for last years roles with this musical festival and recently helped me move!

No worries, my character will not be singing about the worst meat pies in NoHo, rather she is in love with the church choir director who she assists. I haven't read the whole script yet, so I don't really understand the name, other than a correlation with the shunned and mentally unstable lead male.

The festival opens June 19th and thought it's only a ten to fifteen minute musical, I do hope I get a script and music soon!

Never mind the mini musicals...

This morning I found out that I won't be in the short musical festival this year. I was glad to hear the role of the 40 year old went to someone else, as I thought it was silly they even asked me to audition. I am bummed that the other musical, for which the writers directly offered me a role, has been canceled. The director had to quit, due to his day job and the writers don't feel they can commit enough time and money to do it on their own.

I am officially an "Excellent" tour guide

Yesterday I picked up a shift at Universal; it was nice to get back to an enjoyable job, but throat was killing me after only my first tour. Right now we're outfitting all our trams with high-definition video monitors. They really do look great, but they're not fully functional; the HD trams only have ten, maybe fifteen, video clips and the clip numbers are different than we're used to. This means guides on HD trams have to talk substantially more and if you get stuck in a long stall, you're quiet frankly screwed! Half the trams yesterday were HD, but somehow I got very lucky and never had to use one. By the next time I work all the trams will be HD, thankfully they'll also have all one hundred and fifty clips; I'll just have to learn their new numbers.

It was only the second time I've worked at Universal since October or November. You may recall, my first shift back I was evaluated; my verbal feedback was good and yesterday I got my written evaluation. Overall I scored 93.5 out of 100. Of course, I would have preferred an "exceptional" rating of 96 to 99, for which I would have received five bucks at the employee cafeteria, but I am very happy to fall into the 92 to 95 "excellent" category. 86 to 91 is "very good" and anything less is unacceptable.

Specifically, I received 30 out of 30 for the personality category, which is comprised of energy, enthusiasm, warmth and smile. Content was my weakest section, getting 26 of 30 points. As I mentioned the day of the evaluation, I confused Andre the Giant for Lou Ferigno in one of our clips and mixed up the fictional communities of Fairview (Desperate Housewives) and Grandview (Ghost Whisperer). I also forgot we're required to state the production companies with a few titles that filmed on our lot. I don't think that's too bad under the circumstances. I received 23 out of 25 for delivery (entertainment value, pacing and timing, voice and diction, appearance and grooming and pre and post experience.) I only lost points on timing, which is also just a result of being a little rusty; it seems a little awkward, but you need to start talking about things before the first car gets to it, even though the third and fourth cars can't see it yet. Finally my media (mic and clip volume, on-camera presence and media selection and mastery) score was 14.5 out of 15.

Today I volunteered to work a morning shift at my sales job. Getting up at 6 a.m. was not as bad as I thought and thanks to the holiday the highway was wide open. The shift went very quickly and I got one deal, but as I feared, I got back to my apartment and fell asleep! I only got about four hours of sleep last night and my hour nap this afternoon turned into five! Oh well...

Hopefully I can still get to sleep tonight, as I agreed to go on a hike in the Hollywood Hills in the morning with a coworker before getting back to my normal 1 to 7 p.m. shift.

What a Day!

It's 9 p.m. on a Friday night in Los Angeles and I am sitting alone in bed, drinking coffee from my favorite mug; I have an outstanding parking spot right in front of my building and no intention of moving my car until work Monday morning! It's amazing how a parking spot can totally justify hermit-like behavior!

So... I unlocked my door and walked into my apartment, relieved that a horrible work week was finally over! But then I noticed a slip of paper on the floor outside my bedroom with a picture of a hot dog on it. Odd. Then there were two more small papers at my door and a breeze coming from my room. They were coupons that had blown off my desk. At this point I stood frozen in my bedroom door, staring at the balcony door which was wide open before me!

Do I rush out of the building? Is there a killer standing behind me? Should I call the police? Things darted through my mind as my eyes quickly processed the scene. My laptop and checkbook were still laying on my bed, exactly where I had left them. Nothing was moved or missing. I looked in my roommate's rooms and nothing appeared to be disturbed. Of course, I immediately called both my roommates; neither answered. Then I sent a text. The roommate who also has access to the balcony replied that it had not been his doing.

I thought back on my morning; I overslept and left my room a bit of a disaster, thus I am 100% sure I closed my bedroom door when I left for work. Also, the sliding vertical blinds over my balcony door had been opened, indicating someone had to have been on my bed to get to their cord. Ew!

I decided it was a roommate issue and not a security threat so I did not leave or call the cops. The balcony is only accessible through two of the bedrooms; I assumed the third roommate came through my room to get to the balcony. Of course I was pissed that he would come through my closed door instead of the other roommates open bedroom door. And beyond pissed that he would forget to close the balcony door!

Literally a moment ago the suspected roommate replied to the text from two hours ago, saying "Eek sorry. They did an inspection. sooooo sorry."

Now I am relieved that it was neither a criminal act nor roommate disrespect. It is definitely frustrating that he and the building management forgot to shut my balcony door though! That's ridiculously irresponsible on both their parts!

*sigh*

This was a really rough week at work. I believe it was two weeks ago we had free pizza one day for setting a new sale record and the top rep in the company received a $500 bonus check for doing fifteen deals a week for three weeks in a row! This week that rep only did seven or eight. The top reps on my shift, who normally do ten to twelve deals a week, only did six this week! We simply didn't have good leads to call. I once again found myself dialing people who had asked for a quote three weeks ago and had already been attempted thirty or forty times! Not surprisingly, I only have one deal to my name this week (I also got a "post-date" but it'll count for whatever week the credit card is actually run). Under the circumstances, I don't even feel bad about my poor performance.

I think I've mentioned before that the hourly wage is the same for 0 to 3 deals a week, then it jumps up $2 for your fourth deal and a dollar is added for every deal thereafter. So when you only have one deal on Friday, there's not much motivation! This may be a horribly attitude, but the likelihood of getting three deals today and making my effort monetarily worthwhile was slim to none. My first day on the job I got two deals, but it's been only one per day since then...

To make matters even worse, the managers have been a little edgy this week, for good reason. In our pre-shift meetings they've been harping on focus and saying they want energy and enthusiasm rather than folks playing poker on their cell phones and mine sweeper on their computers. I smile and nod but am internally rolling my eyes at this notion! I am an actor and have been a spokesperson; while some may find this disingenuous, my personality and customer service skills have become a finely tuned light switch. Trust me, I can go from being half asleep, checking my email on my phone to pitching a customer with all the focus and enthusiasm in the world in a split second! Eagerly staring at your computer screen, waiting for someone to pick up, only makes you want to strangle yourself with the cord of your headset!

I am not guilty of mine sweeper or poker, but rather stealthy texting and chatting with the woman I interviewed with and now sit beside. Lucky for them, the email and internet on my phone work too slowly in the building or I'd be online the whole time. Today I occupied the time by hand writing a blog post, to be typed in later. I'd give anything to be able to sit there and paint my nails! Everyone is amused that I bring silly putty to give my hands something to do!

The past two days I've been having serious issues with my phone. Customers would complain I was cutting in and out. It's hard enough to get someone on the line, I can not afford them not being able to hear me once I get a hold of them! Yesterday I hooked up a different phone and headset adapter. Today I found myself saying "hello" several times before they'd hear me. Most people hang up if they don't hear you soon enough, so who knows how many leads I lost. The people I actually spoke with complained they could barely hear me; I had to nearly swallow the mouth piece and scream at them. Finally I decided to take matters into my own hands and test it. I call my guy from a second line while my computer kept dialing on the first line. Like everyone else, he didn't hear my first few words, then he said I sounded faint and was going in-and-out.

Then, my computer screen picked up a call at the exact moment a manager walked up behind me. Fucking fantastic. I quickly picked up the other line and said hello fifteen times, but the person I was calling wasn't there or something. I turned to the manager saying, "my shit isn't working!" He joked that that could mean a lot of things. I clarified that they couldn't hear me, to which he snarked, "maybe because you're on the other line?" I explained what I had done and though this manager is really cool, he didn't seem to believe me. "I made a personal call to test it and he couldn't hear me either," I said. "If he couldn't hear you, how could he tell you he couldn't hear you?" asked the manager.

I found myself extremely defensive and frustrated! I can't stand looking bad when I haven't done anything wrong. In retrospect, I should have asked for my manager's cell number and done my test on him, but whatever... He listened to my headset and thought it was fine. My line was truly not working and I really didn't want him to think I had made an outside call only for personal reasons, so I persisted. I ended up changing cubicals, which kind of sucked because it took me away from my preferred area of the office. Nonetheless, I immediately got someone on the line at the new cubical and gave a pitch that required a take-over. I guess that made me feel like I'd redeemed myself somehow, or showed that I was willing to work (even though overall I didn't care). The same manager was unable to close the crotchety, old Floridian customer, so again, whatever...

After I decided my apartment hadn't been burgled, I sat down and opened my paycheck; I ended my shitty work week by finding that I have been under compensated. First of all, I made four deals last week, but I was paid the 0 to 3 deal rate. That $2 upgrade makes a huge difference, so I'm pissed! Next, one of my deals last week required me to stay forty minutes extra but that wasn't reflected either. I'm really hoping it's a mistake, but it's possible that one of my deals may have screwed me by doing a same-week-cancellation. I am left wondering how I've endured this absolutely horrid job for four weeks now!

But for now, I need to ignore my work-week reality and practice songs for an audition tomorrow afternoon. It's for the role that the writers offered me, pending the hiring of a director. I have no idea if the director is auditioning multiple women or just choosing to make me go through a formal audition even though the writers have already picked me. All I know is that my throat hurts, I'm out of vocal shape, but I need to pull together two contrasting pieces in the next fourteen hours!

Central Casting: finally registered!

First, my guy thought my last post sounded like I was excited for "the big one!" Of course not! Yesterday the Long Beach area had another medium one that made the news; I did not feel it either.

Next, I chatted with a good friend from Ohio; his amusement at some of my stories has motivated me to be a more diligent blogger! Hopefully I can get all of my back-logged tales in type over the coming week or so...

Finally, the point of this post is to say I finally registered with Central Casting Monday morning. They are the top agency to supply TV shows and movies with background artists. They are a calling service, meaning 95% of the work an actor can get is based on the actor calling a hotline daily to see if they fit the needed types.

Non-union actors can register on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays from 10:30 to 11:30 a.m. Last week I had gone, but didn't get there as early as I'd like; I decided I'd rather go back another day than stand in the very slowly moving fifty-person line. I arrived at 10 a.m. Monday to find about fifteen people already there. However, most of them were sitting around the extremely large table filling out paperwork. (I had typed and printed all my forms from the website.) I knew where the line would start and sat there to wait.

You are instructed to come camera ready, with regard to your hair, makeup and attire. It's interesting to me to see how some people interpret that! Granted, extras need to look like "real people," but many of them didn't look like they knew they'd be photographed. There was really only one extreme case and she was pretty unbelievable!

Imagine, if you will, a bewildered woman clad in a skimpy black dress. It was a tight jersey material with lace around the hem and v-neck. With its spaghetti straps and lacking length, it seemed to perhaps be sleepwear. The dress was the least of her problems though; below it she was wearing bright read, wide, fishnet stockings! You guessed it, at the bottom of it all were four inch, platform, acrylic stripper heels! The cherry on top was her long, blond, fake hair, clip-on ponytail!

The thing was, she wasn't wearing five pounds of make up, or a look upon her face that said "slut" or "bitch." Rather, she looked lost and vulnerable. She was carrying a huge black duffel bag. I felt awful for her. I imaged the contents of her entire life was in that bag and someone must have told her, "Take the Grey Hound to LA, work the pole at Girls Girls Girls to get your $25 to register at Central Casting in the morning..."

I wanted to take a discrete picture, but she was close enough only once and I would have felt guilty. Not surprisingly, a sleazy guy quickly aided her in filling out the paperwork! At about 10:35 two employees came out to explain the process. Of course, some morons insisted on asking personal and insignificant questions and thus, the line didn't actual form until almost 11 a.m. Registration consists of showing proper identification, since you have to fill out tax forms to get paid, having an employee check that your forms are correct and complete and having a picture taken. There is a one time fee of $25, with the requirement that you update your registration at least every two years.

For an additional fee you can add headshots, but they take a picture of you that day so it's actually what you currently look like. The picture taking experience was about as uncomfortable as the DMV! You stand on an X in front of a white screen and once it's clicked, you're done. You don't get to see the picture! On one hand, I can understand that's to keep the line moving, but I hate that I have no idea what image casting directors are viewing! I'm usually pretty photogenic, but still...! They recommend you go back to update your picture (for free) every six months or so. I want to practice in the mirror and go back next week!

So have I booked a job through them yet?! No... I listened to the hotline last night, this morning and tonight, but there hasn't been much on it. They recommend you call often from 2 to 8 p.m. If that's when all the good jobs get posted, I'm screwed, because that's when I'm at my sales job. The hotline takes forever to listen to because there is 30 to 60 seconds of silence between each recording. An example of the various recordings is: "Hi this is Jane Doe the casting director. I am booking This Show for This Date and I'm looking for women of This Body Type/Specificity. Wardrobe for the shoot is This. If you fit, call me at ###."

If you fit the type, you call that casting director, they look you up in the database and say yes or no. Punctuality and professionalism are expected onset, or you'll be reprimanded and possibly suspended from Central Casting. As my faux manager, my guy has volunteered to listen to the hotline for me during the critical hours. If he hears something good for me, he can text me the details and phone number. I am able to make a short phone call while I'm at work, I just can't be listening to a 3 to 6 minute recording throughout the day. Although... I could dial out through my headset, so I'm not busted with my cell phone to my ear! Of course! I feel so stupid for thinking it would be a problem. Duh - my job is being on the phone! I'll just have to figure out which button on the phone to hit to flip back to the sales dialer if my computer screen shows that a customer has actually answered their damn phone.

My guy will be in LA to visit me in mid June. (I can not wait!) I haven't figured out exactly how I will be asking for that time off yet, but it makes me feel like I shouldn't take too much off before then. Of course, I will be listening to the hotline and will definitely call for any great jobs, but I'm not immediately jumping into the extra work full force. At least I am now registered! It's both a good fall back and will definitely put me in the right places where incredible opportunites are known to happen!

My first California earthquake!

Last night the Inglewood/Long Beach area experienced a 4.7 earthquake. There have been aftershocks and a bit of damage, but nothing severe.

Here in the Valley, I felt nothing!

It did, however, remind me that I never mentioned my first earthquake experience! I think it was two weeks ago... I was at my sales job and all of a sudden my chair was jarred. The shaking only lasted five to ten seconds. I stood up and asked if anyone else felt it. A few coworkers looked at me like I was crazy, but I was sure, there was no other explanation than an earthquake! An hour later, someone else walked in and confirmed it, having seen a news report or something. I believe they said it was rated a 3 or 4, but now I can't find anything about it.

It wasn't the least bit scary, probably because it was so short and I'm used to going through the extremely jarring earthquake animation at Universal Studios.

On the news tonight they asked if the Inglewood quake was a precursor to another big one. A scientist said there's no reason to jump to that conclusion. However, she further stated southern California has had fewer earthquakes in the past ten years and we should be expecting more in the future.

Last week my roommate acquired a large framed print and gave it to me. Today I finally got around to hanging it in the only possible space, above my bed. It's thin wood and plexiglass, but now I feel like I should take it down, as to not be rendered unconscious by Jonathan Pike's "Balconies on the Grand Canal" if North Hollywood gets rocked at night!

Quality of Life

Over the past year I have wrestled with a quality of life question, constantly reminding myself that hardship now is better than massive regret and loathing later.

I've mentioned several times how infinitely more difficult Los Angeles is, in every tedious way. But right now as I sit in the middle of NoHo Park, I see the potential. Behind me a woman is practicing the bagpipes and to my left a guy is playing a drum; a family seems to be having a reunion, children are playing soccer and half the dog owners seem to believe the "must be on leash" signs are just a suggestion.

In this place, traffic is not an issue, nor is the grossly inflated cost of everything from rent to a gallon of milk. It's not about acting classes, casting directors or day jobs... It's about happiness and relaxation, sunshine, nature and human interaction.

Today our house in Ohio had a showing; there was one last week too. Though selling it is the goal, my guy can't help but ponder the hurdles that creates. Where will he, the dog and cat live after it sells and before they move out here? Packing, storing and moving a whole household will be a nightmare.

Nonetheless, in moments and places like this I'm reminded that it will be worth it once we're together again. LA might be a big, scary, congested city, but after you find your community and have someone to share it with, it's no different than anywhere else. I'm even willing to say our quality of life here could be even better if we live in this neighborhood or one similar.

Okay, at this point the bagpipe is getting annoying and I really can not stand small dogs, but the potential and hopefulness are still here!

Workers rut...

Hmm... There seems to be a trend starting here. I haven't been blogging during the week, because when I get home from work, I'm exhausted. My job is not difficult or physically tiring; nonetheless, I've not had the energy or inspiration to write during my evenings. Rather, I talk to my guy, make supper, watch prime time network TV shows (which for me can be called research!), take a shower, tidy up and go to sleep. Boring, boring, boring...

Hopefully my worker's rut will soon be replaced by the true busyness and legitimate exhaustion of rehearsals. In Sunday's post I mentioned not auditioning for a role that was above my age range for a writer I worked with last year on the short musical festival. At their auditions they must not have found their character, because they sent me a second request to audition, this Saturday. It's right in the middle of the day, meaning it prevents me from trying to get a shift at Universal, but I did accept. I've not heard any more from the other writers who outright gave me a role, pending the hiring of a director...

Also, I went to Central Casting Wednesday morning to register for paid extra work. I planned to get there early, but as I've mentioned before, I am not at all a morning person. My GPS devise got a little turned around on the angled, dead-end, one-way streets of Burbank and my arrival was withing their time frame, but put me near the end of a fifty person line. I did expect that many people, but when I realize how incredibly slow the line was moving, I opted to leave, as to not have to head straight to work with no food and in dressy, chilly, uncomfortable attire. As I left I did have a very interesting encounter, but it deserves it's own post! The new plan is to get there this morning early enough to get good parking and be at the front of the line, however, I'm not feeling very well right now. Non-union registration happens on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays and while I do not want to continue putting it off, it would be no great detriment if I feel like shit in the morning and I go on Monday instead.

Other than that... I found a dentist in downtown LA who actually thinks Invisiline braces will work on my teeth! (Invisiline is a series of clear retainers instead of a mouth full of metal and wires.) I had been previously told they would not; this doctor agrees I am the most difficult case he's seen for Invisiline, but says it's doable and the challenge quite frankly excites him, so I've now started that process. The way I met him is funny story, for another entry...

I still greatly dislike my job, but I'm toughing it out... I've gotten a deal a day this week, although one was post-dated and doesn't count yet, so I desperately need at least one more today to be at a more comfortable wage for the week. Amazingly, I closed my two best deals by myself, one being a strong sales move that resulted in a 50% down payment and the other was a really steep markup, which was amusingly, a complete accident on my part! Today a fellow employee was fired for leaving a mean message on a customer's voicemail. It's good to know that my company doesn't tolerate that type of behavior. On the other hand, I still don't like many of the sales tactics that I hear around me all damn day. I refuse to stoop to that level and am still not sure if I'll be able to do well enough to hang on to this job by doing it my way!

Another week...

I can't believe I'm heading into my third week on the sales floor at my new job!

Yesterday I talked to my mom (obvious) and she told me all about a cold call she'd recently received from an auto warranty company, amusingly located in NoHo where I now live. They hung up on her upon realizing she wasn't going to buy. My company doesn't do that, but I still hate being in an industry that has such a bad rap from so many shitty companies!

Nonetheless, I'm going into work with the positive attitude that I'll at least get two deals today ! Starting out strong will make the rest of the week much better! I mean, it has to be better - Friday's pay check wasn't quite as good as I thought it would be (damn taxes) and this Friday's is going to be much worse since I sold less last week...

This week I really need to pound the pavement for a waitressing job as well. Wednesday morning I'll be registering with Central Casting, the main booking agency for background artists, or extras, for all the major films and TV shows. Being an extra is not glamorous in the least; although it's mindless, I've heard it's exhausting. As I've mentioned before, I'd rather uncomfortably stand on a set all day for only $8 an hour than do my current job. If I could work consistently between being an extra and giving tours at Universal (when it picks up this summer), I think I could be okay.

The Short Musial Festival - Year Two!

I can not believe it's been a year since I was cast in my first LA gig - the short musical festival.

Over the course of that experience I didn't blog about it much for two reasons - I was concerned about the anonymity of this blog and I wanted to stay positive. Truth be told, it was frustrating and disappointing in many ways. I was in two of the five short musicals last year; one director called far too many pointless rehearsals for a ten minute piece, while the other was thrown together at the last minute. Even though I wasn't being paid, I guess I thought because I was in LA, that it would be like "professional theatre." It was not.

All across LA, especially here in the NoHo Arts District, there are little theatres where professional actors and directors put on productions with no budget and even less of a guarantee of the outcome! We do it because we love performing, it's a networking opportunity and because it gives us a reason to send out post cards to casting director, agents and managers. In the end last year, I was glad I did it; it was a great confidence boost to be cast in something so quickly, it added to my resume and made good friends. However, the rehearsals were extremely frustrating and I questioned the caliber of the work, from both myself and everyone else involved. My attitude near the end wasn't so great.

So it was quite a surprise to be asked back by three different parties! The man who runs the small theatre volunteered his truck and helped me move to my new apartment; he said all the thanks he needed was my participation in the musicals again this year! You help me move and cast me in a show?!?! Wow... just, wow!

The writers of the thrown together, but truly hilarious, musical from last year have offered me a part in their show this year, pending the hiring of the director. I've accepted, but I guess that means the tbd director could veto me... Then there's the writer of the other musical I was in last year. She and her director were way over the top with their rehearsals and notes and I know my life values differ from hers greatly. Everyone in that cast was so annoyed; the writer wanted to run through the music a half hour before curtain even on the third and fourth weekend of the run for a TEN MINUTE show! It was ridiculous and by the end, none of us were hiding our eye rolls. Nonetheless, she sent me three emails and a voicemail about auditioning for her show this year. The character is ten to fifteen years above my age range and I don't know how rehearsals for multiple shows will fit with my increased need to work real jobs this year.

On top of that, I am out of headshots and have been printing them on a must-have basis from CVS and my printer literally ran out of ink to print a resume yesterday. My new cartridges will arrive Monday. Yes, I could probably use a roommates printer and drop another $4 for a single 8x10 at CVS, but I've decided it's not worth it for a role so far above my age range. I told her I was not available for the audition, which is being held for only two hours this morning, but that if she doesn't find her character that I would love to audition at another time. Seems logical, right? They already know who I am and what I can do; this isn't a person I'm eager to work with again, but if after their auditions they really want me, I'd do it.

Of course I'm left wondering, what if the role I've been offered is taken away by the director and I could've gotten the other role had I gone to the first audition...? It would suck not to be involved, especially now that I live within walking distance to the theatre. But there are plenty of other theatres around here that I'd like to become involved with. So even if all this falls through, I'm at peace with my decision, which is very odd and surprising for me...!

A very funny voicemail I just got at work:

[Read with the sassy southern accent of a middle age black woman]:

"This is so-and-so. Thank you for your call, however, due to some recent, unfortunate, events, I have made many life changes. I will try to return your call at my earliest convenience. But if you do not hear from me, consider yourself one of the changes."

I normally click to the next call as soon as I hear an answering machine pick up; only a couple times could I tell it was going to be a good one and stayed on the line to listen. Overall, the creativity of America's outgoing messages is very disappointing!

What am I forgetting about?

After all the stress of the last few weeks, last night's email to my guy asked, "what am I forgetting about?" All I've done this week is work, sleep and sometimes eat and watch TV. It's a very odd sense of calm. A world of no impending deadlines or obligations feels nice; it's a little boring and hopefully fleeting, but nice for now... I'm currently working from 1 p.m. to 7 p.m., which is not good. For me, that means I sleep till 11:30 a.m., go straight to work and get back around 8 p.m. to make food, talk to my guy and watch a TV show or two. It's not very fulfilling, but for now my only focus is keeping my stress low and my bank account high. Acting classes, a show and/or another job will come in a couple weeks or so.

As for the new job, I am selling auto warranties over the phone. I am not a telemarketer; my company only calls people who requested information via our website! (No, it is not the advertising whores, US Fidelis, and please do not buy from them. Here's why!) My brother keeps getting calls from a company that hangs up on him when he asks their name; our name is one of the first things we say and we're eager to tell customers about our A+ BBB rated administrator and hundred year old insurance company that backs them...

Our coverage is legitimate and we absolutely never lie about it. However... it is supposed to be a one-call close and I am not comfortable with some of the sales tactics I was taught to make that happen. One way of creating urgency is to tell the customer that they're just over the miles for the better plan and we'll "re-qualify" them or "adjust the mileage" to fit the superior coverage. Obviously the packages really do have cut off points, but they're not listed on our website. Other tactics, like mark ups, financing and holding benefits back as negotiation tools, are akin to automotive or furniture sales. I really don't enjoy the dance; I think it's stupid and I wish it could just be a straight forward, no haggle transaction. On the other hand, I understand how our trainer justified it, he said, "No one wakes up in the morning excited to buy an auto warranty." They are smart things to have and if you don't make people buy them right now, they'll probably forget about it...

They've told me to think about it as an actress, but I tend to side with the customer. I would want to shop around or talk to my partner too. My guy is a decorated sales person who manages an auto dealership; he is confident that I can do well at this job without using dishonest sales tactics that I'm not comfortable with. However, I'm not getting the opportunity to test the waters. As a new representative with few deals to my name, I keep getting assigned high agent numbers; the agent number, which you log into the dialing system with, affects which leads (or customers) you get. Today I was calling people who had requested the information two and a half weeks ago! We'd already gotten their answer machine over a dozen times, meaning they've likely learned to avoid our number. The highest sellers in the office the previous day get the lower agent numbers, meaning hotter, newer leads. It's like the rich get richer and the new kids don't even get the chance to succeed. Although, yesterday a girl with a higher agent number got three deals, so the managers say, "Don't let your number psych you out! They don't matter!" Okay, then why not assign static numbers if they don't matter?

Needless to say, the verdict is still out on this new job. One minute I feel like I could really be great at it and roll in the money. I've already earned two handy cash bonuses, based on a high down payment and high mark up. But when no one has answered their damn phone in over an hour, or when I'm calling the east coast at 9:45 p.m. their time, I just want to walk out! My first week I did four deals, but this week I only have two on the board! Starting our fourth or fifth week, if we don't get five a week we'll be put on probation. Since the pay is a sliding hourly rate, I'm certainly not going to quit, even though there are moments I want to. I'll continue trying to figure it out and even if I don't, I'll continue to take their checks until I fail probation and they fire me!

In the meantime, I need to turn in some restaurant applications and register with Central Casting, a reputable company that hires background actors, aka, extras. I keep hearing that pretty girls can get work through them five days a week. Depending on the pay rate and consistency of work, doing that on weekdays and Universal tours on weekends could pay the bills and beat the hell out of selling auto warranties or waiting tables!

Speaking of industry work, Tuesday I left work early to shoot a promo for ABC/Disney Channel/ESPN. I was paid $50 cash for less than an hours "work" in a lovely local park. It was supposed to look like real people, stopped while they were out and about, and asked to comment on their favorite shows. I delivered lines like, "I can't live without my Desperate Housewives" and "I get everything on Time Warner, it's awesome." Right now the footage doesn't really have a home and will just be used for internal promotion. I don't really know what that means, but it's fine with me that I got my cash and no one will likely ever see it!

$1 NOT to visit the USPS!

I am not only on a tight budget now, but am fiercely frugal even when I have money...

However, I just charged one dollar to my credit card, instead of going to the post office!

Since my move was so last minute, I hadn't changed my address. In the past I'd gone to the place of horrible lines and angry employees to fill out the change-o-addy form, but with the optimistic attitude that they'd finally gotten with the times, I tried online first. Indeed, you can change your address via the web now. Fantastic!

Only after you enter all your information and click through several pages does it ask for a credit card to "verify your identity" and tell you that you'll be charged a dollar. Ah, how crafty of them! I heard the Seinfeld character "Newman" cackling in my head as I reached for my wallet. With the exception of my one-stop-light-hometown, going to a post office is absolutely never a good experience. My time and mood are totally worth the dollar I just paid to change my freaking address from the comfort of my bed at 2 a.m.!

I can't believe I haven't posted since Monday! It's been a hell of a week; I have a lot to share, but I'm only on my phone, so here are the highlights:

In the eleventh hour the two guys with the apartment in NoHo picked me! Thanks to Facebook, I got some help (and even a pick-up truck) and am all moved in. There are many great things about this place, specifically the price and location. However, it SMELLS! The carpet needs shampooed desperately and I simply must clean the kitchen and bathroom before I can really use them.

Yesterday was my birthday. I spent it working. I thought about going out for at least one drink, but ended up eating Taco Bell, watching tv and unpacking.

As for my new job, I've survived my first full week on the sales floor. All bull shit positivity aside, I don't think I can do this job. It SUCKS! The top people do 10 to 15 deals a week; I did 4 with 1 post-dates for next week. That's good for a beginner, but I hate the mentality toward the customer and lies you tell to achieve a "one call close." More on that when my computer has internet again...

For now I'll end with one more lovely note about the new place. Last night, my first here, I fell asleep to the sound of the neighbor's headboard pounding against my wall and box springs squeaking. However there was no moaning or screaming or anything. I didn't know whether to be thankful for that fact, or feel really sorry for them!

Never mind Swine Flu, what's my new address?

Last night the NoHo guys said they'd pick their new roommate today or tomorrow. I checked my email obsessively today, but have heard nothing.

I was concerned last night to find that my second choice, the single in Van Nuys, had reposted her unit on Craigslist. I can't blame her. This morning she left me a voicemail asking if I was still interested; I replied via email, saying yes, and requesting to do the paperwork after work tomorrow night. If the NoHo guys come through and I have to cancel on her, I'll feel bad, but I have to cover my ass, right? She hasn't replied yet, so I'm just hoping she hasn't or doesn't sign someone else!

I know you're thinking, "why didn't you call her back?!" Well, because I'm totally phonephobic! I love my phone and all it does, but not talking on it! I'll always answer when my guy'calls; my parents are at about 55%, but with all due respect to everyone else, I'm not likely to pick up. I just don't want to ever be put on the spot; I'd rather see things in writing first and have time to react and formulate my response. That makes it hilarious that my new job is phone sales, with the goal of a one-call-close!

Today was my first day on the sales floor and I made two deals. I still don't know if that means I'll be any good, since they were both T.O.s, meaning a "turn over." For the first couple weeks we're expected to set up the deal but turn it over to a manager to make the close. A few other new employees got one deal, but I'm pretty sure I was the only at two. I fully realize, you're at the mercy of the dialer; at one point I think I sat there for about forty-five minutes getting nothing but answering machines.

Finally, I am fine and no one I know has flu like symptoms! Seriously - mad cow, bird flu, swine flu...? I think it's all a conspiracy created by vegetarians!

Limited options and even less time!

This past week I trained for a new job in sales. I know I can do it, but I still don't know exactly how good I'll be at it or how much money I can expect to make. Obviously that makes finding a new place to live a bit difficult.

I'm just going to put the numbers out here, because they are what they are... I currently pay $750 for a 2 bed/2 bath in Studio City. It was stupid of me to agree to split the rent evenly, as my roommates room is much larger with an attached bathroom and walk in closet. C'est la vie. It would be nice to get a roommate in here who would pay $900 or $1000 for the larger room. Neither of the two interested parties I found have worked out and to put someone new on the lease would likely mean another year long lease, which I do not want. So it's looking like I have to move.

There's a studio available in my building, but it's $900. Hilarious! I need my rent to be less than it already is. And this unit is abysmal. There's only one window that looks at the next building. I asked my super about a rate drop, but the company will only go down to $850. Next!

I think I already blogged about the place in Silver Lake/Echo Park. It would be a small room in a condo with another female and her two dogs for $600. The nice part is the price; the living room and kitchen are great and the owner was very nice. However, I would have to park on the street or pay extra for a garage and traffic in the area is horrible.

I felt strongly about somehow knowing my potential new roommates; many people have suggested I go on roommates.com to find someone to move in with me, but I think that's insane, especially with the recent craigslist killer all over the news! Two friends have suggested males friends of theirs who were looking for someone, but after talking to my partner, he is not at all comfortable with me moving in with a hetero guy.

I was getting very discouraged, as most single apartments are $800 and up. I simply can not afford that. Then, I broke my own rule. I saw $560 on craiglist and instantly clicked it! I expected another scam, which I keep running into, but instead found a very detailed post from two gentlemen in North Hollywood looking for a "gay-friendly" roommate. As I explained below, this is ideal! I met with them and loved their place! The location is amazing, the lease is month-to-month, the room is a little small, but the closet is large and there's a small balcony off the room. The only downside it that I'd have to park on the street, but for $560, I'd deal with that. I chatted with the two guys for probably 15 minutes and we got along well. They said I was "perky and normal" as opposed to the boring and weird people they'd already talked to. One of them got a phone call while I was there and said, "I'll call you back, we're auditioning a roommate." Fuck! You put the word "audition" on something and it automatically becomes more stressful! Now I'm on pins and needles waiting to hear back from them. I just need to know one way or another!

My new job is in Van Nuys, which is an area my current roommate wouldn't even consider when we were looking last year. It's not nice and I wouldn't be able to walk to the store anymore, but I've come to learn that it's not as awful as I always thought. I looked at a studio sublet there for $670. The place is really cute; it's a bit smaller than the studio in my building, but I like its layout better. It has a full kitchen, unlike all the "bachelor" units I keep running into. The building has a very charming, quiet courtyard, a pool and gated parking. I'd sublet until September, then have to deal with the building management if I wanted to stay.

Finally, a woman I just met at my new job offered that I could temporarily move in with her and her boyfriend for $550. I went this morning and their place is so charming! It reminded me of some of the apartments in Chicago my brother used to have with crown molding, hardwood floors and a sort of row house layout. But, the price and the cool apartment style are the only good things. It's in an area sort of between Hollywood/Silver Lake and Downtown/Korea Town. Again, I wouldn't be walking anywhere! The buildings on the street were great in terms of beautiful old architecture, but I'm not comfortable with the demographic. I'd have to park on the street, which seemed pretty difficult. The room was small with no closet. Then there were the dogs... They have a French bulldog, which is cute, but also this nasty little rat terrier mixed mut thing. I am not a fan of small, yippy dogs. They jumped on me and smelled like pee. Gross.

Obviously, I am nauseated with hope that the gay guys pick me! Their place is perfect and cheap! If they don't, I feel like I should take one of the cheap options in Hollywood - the $600 or $550, but I don't want to! I don't want to deal with street parking in those neighborhoods, I don't want to drive 16 miles to work in Van Nuys from those areas and I don't want to feel like I'm a nuisance in someone else's space, with someone else's dogs. For some reason with the guys in NoHo, I didn't feel like that since they're roommates to each other and replacing a roommate...

My logic right now is that even though the single in Van Nuys is a little more expensive, my savings in gas and time spent on the road would easily make up the difference! But, I'd also have no one to share utilities with. My fear in that situation is that I'd become even more of a hermit than I already am!

To top it all off, I have to be out of my current place Thursday and am working this Monday through Friday from 1 to 7 p.m. Meaning, I won't have a day to dedicate to moving, I'll have to do it in the mornings. Then there's the issue of renting a uhal or something and begging a limited amount of people to help me.

I'm so stressed right now I could vomit. What if I wait too long to hear from the NoHo guys, then the single in Van Nuys gets taken and I have no choice but to go to Hollywood with smelly dogs?! I want to cry.

Behind-the-scenes at two Red Carpets

The daughter of an old family friend has lived in LA for a few years and does some sort of office work at Paramount Pictures. I know, I know, you're wondering "why have you never talked about this before?" She and her brother are closer in age to my brothers and by the time I came along, we weren't neighbors anymore and bla, bla, bla... Getting a hold of her was something I'd been meaning to do, but never got around to because I'm phone phobic. She knew I was here and had been meaning to contact me too. I finally got her email and though we're having trouble finding a time to meet, she included me on an email inviting people to the premier of the new film The Soloist.

At first I just assumed it was an employee screening, like I go to at Universal; then she wrote, "I'll be running up and down the red carpet, so I probably won't see you." WHAT!?! RED CARPET!!

A friend and fellow Ohio native who was in the musical festival with me last year accompanied me to Paramount Pictures on Melrose in Hollywood. We drove through the huge archway without even showing ID and parked on the lot. I immediately noticed that Paramount is much prettier than Universal. It's like the difference between my Alma mater's campus, where the building are architecturally mismatched and generally unimpressive, to a campus with more uniform building, all with the charm of yesteryear.

We walked to a will-call table where I did show ID to get our passes. In front of a beautiful fountain and another grandiose archway leading to the sound stages, the red carpet started at the street and curved toward the Paramount Theatre. After getting our tickets my friend and I milled around the fountain for about ten minutes, waiting to see if anyone of note would come down the carpet. A few times the reporters perked up, but we didn't recognize the person.

Once inside the theatre's lobby we were surprised and thrilled to see beautiful grazing stations of hor 'devours and an open bar with wine and beer! Floating servers came around with bit sized tuna casseroles and fancy chicken on a stick.

Prior to moving here I had heard that LA was not friendly; I noticed that more during that pre-reception than I ever had before. People weren't making eye contact. When we found a spot to stand and eat our food at one of the tall tables, the people already there didn't acknowledge us. Others came and left the table, all staying within their two-person bubbles. It seemed odd to me. I wondered, were these all incredibly important people who had no need to mingle? Were these friends of friends of employees like me? I was finally able to start a conversation with a cute Asian girl after both our companions had left the table and we were awkwardly left standing, each alone.

When I asked how she was invited she pointed to the man who was with her and said, "he's a famous director." I've googled every incarnation of the name I think she said and can't figure out who he was. She disappeared, but my friend came back reporting that Neal McDonough (who plays Edie's crazy husband on Desperate Housewives) was at the bar. About ten minutes before the movie was to begin, the room became packed. Everywhere we looked, there were familiar faces, but outside of the context of a show or movie, we couldn't figure out who was a famous face.

At one point Rachael Harris stood a few feet from us, talking to a group of people. We knew for certain she was an actress, but in such a sea of potentially important people, we could not recall which show she'd been on. It's like trying to think of how a certain song goes, while another song is blaring in your ear! Now that I've looked up her credits, I feel like a moron! And, she was there because she has a small role in the film.

As I mentioned before, Tom Arnold walked right by me. He is easily recognizable; we made eye contact and exchanged a smile and nod. Unlike most people there, whose tension I couldn't make sense of, the millisecond I shared with him seemed genuine.

We eventually all funneled in to the large, beautiful theatre. Before the film began, director Joe Wright and two producers spoke. As the main characters appeared onscreen the audience applauded, the loudest of which was for Jamie Foxx. When the child actors appeared you could tell it was their family in the audience clapping for them; which was cute. I can't imagine how amazing they must have felt to be in a film of such caliber!

As we'd eaten the hor 'devours, I told my friend, "I can't believe I'm here!... Even if I were an extra, if I got to attend a premier like this for that film, I'd feel like I were the star!" Honestly, I felt guilty that I was there. I'm sure there were tons of crew members that had worked their asses off and day players (actors) who had painfully long hours on set for this film who were not there! Why was I?

Of course, that also made me so frustrated with myself that I had not gotten a hold of the family friend / Paramount employee a year ago! Although, she had alluded in our emails that most premiers are not that fancy.

The film was wonderful and I do recommend it. The story doesn't go as far as fiction would, or even really resolve itself in the way I expected, but it's a true story, and therefore had charm instead of a Hollywood ending.

As we left, we saw the female lead, Catherine Keener, but there was never any sight or mention of Jamie Foxx or Robert Downey Jr. They were photographed on the red carpet, as well as Halle Berry (who was not in the film); I have to imagine they came late and were ushered out early. (CLICK HERE to see celeb photos from the red carpet.)

I hesitated to walk across the lobby and out the doors; there was small clumps of people talking, but again, no one was recognizable. Of course I felt like I should talk to someone, I should figure out who’s who and make a great contact, I was in the same room with amazing, important people, I should do something! But what? My friend didn't seem particularly interested in waiting around. As we walked to the car she said, "if I knew more about the story, it would be different..." I know some of you will also think I should have been more aggressive in meeting people, but please trust me when I say, walking up to strangers, in hopes they're the important one, would have been awkward and inappropriate. Although there was an air of unfriendliness, there was also a feeling of professionalism. No one there acted like fans or tourists; we were members of a business community, celebrating the recent success of a company. Does that make sense?

I felt so fortunate to be there; the essence of that night is what the film industry is about, not all the all the smut you see on TV and at the check out line in the grocery! More than ever, it made me want to be a part of that creative community.

In less inspiring news, when I worked at Universal Saturday, a red carpet was being set up behind the Gibson amphitheater for the TV Land Awards. The hilarious part is, their red carpet was in our dirty tram parking lot! Between the Studio Tour Tram loading and unloading area and the greasy tram garage is a small parking lot. Usually old trams, a busted Delorean and an old mechanical shark from the Jaws animation sit in the lot. Saturday it also housed a half constructed red carpet! Like we tell our guests on the tour, in Hollywood, things are not often what they seem!

What you see in the picture above, is exactly what you get. That red carpet starts and leads no where!

A boring update.

My phone is holding my cool red carpet pictures hostage and my other blog has gotten all my attention the past week. Today when I got home from my first day of training at my potential new job, I totally crashed. I'm usually not an afternoon napper, but sometimes it just happens. The training was by no means difficult; all we did today was sit and listen. The culprit is my overall lack of sleep and having to get up by 7 a.m. like a normal person for the past few days. Plus, I've needed to go to the grocery for a week now and am consuming frighteningly meager amounts of food.

As for the apartment search, I keep running into Craigslsit scams. Seriously, who falls for this shit? Tomorrow I'm going to look at a place that would be a roommate situation with absolute strangers. That is something I wanted to avoid; I wanted the person to at least be a friend of an acquaintance or something, but this caught my eye. The price is low, the location is great and they're two gay guys looking for a "gay-friendly" roommate. Living with a hetero male is pretty much out of the question and chicks can be bitchy! I've always been more of a guys-girl with very few female friends, so gay guys sound like ideal roommates to me. We'll see; yes I'll be extremely careful and I'll also blog about the red carpet premier tomorrow!

From the Paramount Theatre for the Red Carpet Premier of "The Soloist"

Holy shit, this is AMAZING! I am at the RED CARPET premier of The Soloist at Paramount Studios!!

No, I didn't walk the carpet, but got very cool pics of it from the other side. A family friend works at Paramount and got me passes. While enjoying free wine and hor 'devours I saw Edie's crazy husband from Desperate Housewives. And Tom Arnold walked by and smiled at me!

No sign of Jamie Foxx or Robert Downey Jr. yet.

Unfortunately Miss Ohio USA didn't make the Top 15 in last night's national pageant, but Miss California USA was even more disappointing!

Ironically, I spent the day helping at a bridal expo, which is about the last place you'd ever think to find me! It was a frightening and hilarious experience, to say the least!

Stalling: On the tram and in my decision making

As predicted, it happened, I was evaluated yesterday at work! I don't know how I snuck under the radar for so long; everyone else in my class was evaluated last summer. Anyway, it happened during my second tour. Now that I think about it, it may have been longer than five months since I'd worked a normal tram tour. In October I think I only did the Halloween Horror Tours and I don't recall if I had any shifts in November...

Anyway, I knew the evaluator was on my tram from the beginning and I'm surprised it didn't throw me off much at all. That's likely because I was so focused on doing my job well for the sake of the guests, since it had been so long. Of course, at the transition between the front and back lots I encountered a huge stall! A tram was disabled on an attraction ahead of me. It was pretty rough, probably five minutes of just sitting in an very uninteresting part of the lot with not much to look at or talk about, but I got through it. Then coming out of what we call Park Lake/Skull Island/Red Sea the tram almost got stuck in the water. It took a couple minutes of chugging and revving and wheel whining...

Despite the technical difficulties, my evaluator's verbal comments after the tour were very positive. She realized I hadn't worked in forever and thought I handled the stalls well. She called me charming several times! However, I could get nailed on her written form for two content errors I made... Some picture cars from recent filming were sitting out, specifically two Fairview police cars. I said they were from Ghost Whisperer. Nope! The town in that show is Grandview, whereas Fairview is from Desperate Housewives. She said it was an easy mistake, but I know it's a mistake nonetheless. I also confused Andre the Giant for Lou Ferigno in a clip from the Six Million Dollar Man. It's a big deal because if any guests caught those errors then they might think everything I said was bullshit. I'll get a score on her written paperwork sometime in the next thirty days. Based on all her positive feedback, I'm not concerned about it being problematic, which I believe is anything under 80 out of 100.

I was relieved to have my first evaluation finally out of the way, but the tours didn't get any better the rest of the day. This was hands down the most difficult day of tramming I've ever had and not just because I hadn't worked recently. I had several things happen to me today for the first time ever. My third tour sat on the dock of the Jaws animation for ten minutes waiting for it to work. I told them, "they say in Hollywood that you should never work with children or animals, and this is why...!" The Mummy animation didn't work correctly for that tour either. I had never had an animation breakdown before; two in one tour was baptism by fire. My fourth tour was plagued with stalls throughout and we had to stop and restart the tram at one point because the driver was concerned about a light that wasn't supposed to be on. It never went off and the whole time he acted as if it was going to breakdown at any minute.

It was a very hot, exhausting day. I got back to my apartment and literally did nothing. There was nothing good on TV, and feeling very sorry for myself, I satisfied a craving for Taco Bell and ate it. Alone. On a Saturday night. On my living room floor. It is ridiculous how pathetic and lonely I feel.

As I've mentioned before, it's like a yo-yo. My interview went well Friday, by the way. It really wasn't much of an interview since they'd screened me over the phone. I wasn't asked much; rather the company was explained to me and I was invited to three days of training next week. It's a sales position, so not everyone will make it through the training. I was surprised the area the office is in was nicer than I imagined. I found myself daydreaming about finding an apartment there and making great money. But the available units in my price range have turned out to be classic Craigslist scams.

Failed scheduling attempts to show my apartment to a potential roommate proved extremely frustrating Friday afternoon. Then last night the issue of my teeth came to me again in a different way, a way that made sense. I've been so consumed with trying to sort out what is logical and what is just an excuse not to try as hard as I should be trying, but last night the teeth thing cleared itself from that confusion. It has to be done. Period.

My clarity then yo-yoed back to torment when I got to work yesterday morning. My job is the best part of my life here. It's amazing! I was on famous sets four times yesterday. Where were you? As much as I love my guy and friends and family in Ohio, there's nothing there for me anymore. Monday I'm going to the red carpet premier of The Soloist. (I won't be on the red carpet, but I'm seeing the film at Paramount for free.) I can go to the beach and touch the ocean whenever I want! (I never do, but I could.) This is the best place in the world to be to do what I have always dreamed of doing. (I'm not really doing it yet, but I will!) I don't want to demean anyone who's reading this and supporting me, but yesterday at work as I looked out over the Valley, the beautiful mountains in the distance and the Warner Brothers studio beneath us, I felt sick to my stomach at the idea of driving my car back to Ohio. I will die of boredom is I'm back there for a year or two.

I feel equally sick to my stomach as I sit in my apartment. I am dieing of loneliness and dwelling on my dental damnation.

I feel sick to my stomach all the freaking time.

I just got done giving my first tour in five months! It went well, but damn! I'm exhausted! I forgot how much endurance it takes! I started loosing steam about half way through and my throat already hurts. And there's an evaluator out today. I've never been evaluated and though I think I'd do alright, it prbably wouldn't be my best possible score.

- Texted to blogger from my cell, likely with spelling errors.

Half asleep ramblings or an epiphany?

This may sound scattered and random, but stay with me…

I’m lying here trying to fall asleep because I have to be up for a shift at Universal in a few hours and I found myself thinking about my fellow tour guides that I’ll be seeing again… I don’t know about you, but snippets of conversations pop up in my mind and lead me elsewhere.

For some reason I recalled a conversation with a fellow guide about a friend of hers who is a soap star. She went to high school with the soap star and has more training, but she admitted her friend is amazing, charismatic and drop dead gorgeous. She said her friend, the soap star, just can’t understand why she hasn’t made it and gotten a great agent too… The point of the story is that the soap star is one of those sweet people who has no idea how stunningly beautiful they are and how much of a difference that can make.

So from there I thought, “well she doesn’t really try to do much with herself…” Meaning my fellow tour guide. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, but this particular girl could stand out in a crowd with just a bit of effort that I’ve never seen her make, even outside of work.

I immediately felt bad for thinking that. Who am I to judge what she looks like or what she does or doesn’t do with her appearance? And why am I thinking about this person at all when I should be sleeping? I thought, “I’m a horrible person; I’m sure people wonder why I don’t do more to even out my crappy complexion… I wish my skin were better… The worst thing I need to fix before I can make it are my teeth…”

Mind you, all of that took place in my brain in a matter of nanoseconds, but how telling!

When I wasn’t dwelling on my future and trying to rationalize the smartest option, my subconscious reemerges with the longtime problem! I have the overwhelming feeling that if I stay in LA now, I’ll still have crooked teeth in another two or three years and look back wishing I had taken this opportunity to fix them. Just like I looked back in college, wishing they had been done in high school; and I look back now, wishing they’d been done in college… When will it end?

I feel like in this moment I have clarity, but I don’t know if it will last… *sigh* I need to be sleeping!!!

Excerpts

This morning my audition went well; solid, but not fantastic. I need to get some sleep for the job interview I have this morning, so instead of rewriting things, here are some snippets that pretty much explain it; hopefully the people these messages were sent to don't mind!

An email to my guy:

Today was just one of those days... I am trying to have a really positive attitude, but it either backfires or doesn't matter. I think the key is to just laugh at it all because it's honestly hilarious. The amount of shit that happens in a day in LA would take a week or two to add up elsewhere.

...I really miss you and I'm getting really emotionally worn down. You thought I was bad when I had to decide about my plane tickets back here, but being here trying to figure all this out is ten times worse. I'm like a yo-yo, one second thinking I have a promising lead and the next second feeling like it's impossible and I'm totally wasting my time trying... This sucks.

And a Facebook to a good friend:

To be honest things look pretty bleak. Nothing specific happened today, just all the stupid little things that add up very quickly when you're by yourself. Or maybe it's that I saw my acting teacher today who is incredibly annoying! He's one of those people who makes everything sound like it's so damn easy. Ya right! I am trying so hard to stay super positive, but it all comes down to numbers. :(

I have an interview in the morning for a telesales job. It could be nice money if I'm good at it. I really feel like it's the make-or-break thing at this point. I filled out a half dozen tedious restaurant applications today, but I know none of them are hiring in time to be able to keep me here. I can't help but feel like I'm running my ass off on things I know are not going to pan out...

Finally - Up and Running!

My very important package arrived at 6:45 p.m. Monday. I called UPS around 5:30 only to be told they deliver as late as 7:30 p.m. and are not able to give any window of time! Unbelievable! That's worse than the infamous cable guy!

So my car didn't make it to the garage until Tuesday; it needed a bit more work and took more time than expected. Of course.

Today, a week after arriving back in LA I was finally able to leave my apartment and try to make some headway! I took the tour at Universal so I'd feel comfortable once again giving it and can now call in to pick up shifts. I picked up several applications at restaurants on Universal's City Walk and then headed toward downtown to check out a possible new apartment.

The area is Los Feliz/Silver Lake/Echo Park which is nestled sort of between Hollywood and Downtown; I've always heard they're cool "hipster" neighborhoods, but I honestly don't know what that means! Even on breakdowns, some characters are described as "Silver Lake hipster types." Anyway, I'd be renting a room from a young woman who owns the townhouse with her family (but only she and her two dogs live there). It's a good price and I could pay month to month, but the room is rather small, there are no amenities in the complex and I'd have to either park on the street or pay extra for a garage. The market, drug store and restaurants are close, but not in walking distance and while the street the complex is on is clean and quiet, I had to go through some less than ideal areas en route. I've been extremely spoiled in my current location; I literally take the street my apartment is on to the street Universal is on to get to work! It only takes ten to fifteen minutes, it's a nice area and I rarely deal with the highways or crazy traffic. If I choose the place I saw today, I'd have to bite the bullet like most people in this town and sit in horrid traffic every single day...

In huge, exciting news, I have an audition tomorrow! The best part is that I didn't even submit for it! You may recall in the fall I auditioned for a role on the TLC/Discover Health show "I didn't know I was pregnant." My goal for that audition was to build good rapport with the casting directors; although I didn't book the role, I sent a thank you note after the audition. This morning they called me to audition for a small role of a friend to the lead character, the one who doesn't know she's pregnant. Obviously they kept my headshot on file and/or remembered me. So I guess I can say mission accomplished! Tomorrow morning's audition doesn't actually have sides (a script), rather it's an improv scene at a bar with the friends having a fun girls night. Hopefully I'm the look and personality they want! And yes, you guessed it, the morning after drinking with my character, the lead gives birth to a child she didn't know she was carrying. And this is based on real people! You can't write shit that crazy!

Then Friday I have an interview for a telesales job. Don't boo and call me the devil, it's not cold calling! I'd only call people who requested information. There is a potential for great money, but it's not exactly an easy job and I honestly don't know how good I'd be. Am I a closer? I guess I'll find out! I did call alumni for donations while I was in college; that's my main sales experience. Lucky for me, they asked which college and it turns out the manager is also an Ohioan. I think it's safe to say my home landed me the interview over my experience, which is fine by me! Now all I have to do is charm them and make it through the training. This job even has benefits after 90 days. Some think I could make more money waiting tables. I am pursuing both options but benefits and not having to deal with bratty little kids spilling stuff on me does seem more appealing!

Saturday morning I have another audition for a non-union short horror film. Short horror film? I had to laugh at myself when I received the audition information; I must not have read that breakdown carefully before submitting. None the less, I'll definitely go give it a shot. The prototype for the character is Famke Janssen of Nip/Tuck. I hadn't googled her prior to submitting (again, I was submitting too quickly), but upon doing so, I'm flattered!

I know all of this sounds great, but my future remains a question mark. I am still operating under the reality that if I can't find a new place and additional job to cover the rent by the 30th, I can't stay in LA. The order in which I find those things is delicate and difficult to balance. If I wait to find a great job, I may have no time to get a new place to live. It would be even worse to find a place first, go through the hassle of moving and scrounge up and possibly loose a security deposit, only to not get a good enough job...

It's difficult, but I am determined to stay positive. As I sit her at my desk, my quote-a-day "Daughters" calendar given to me by my mom reads, "Hold on to your dreams; they will help guide you on your own path to happiness."

A dog to a mail carrier will pale in comparison to me and the yet to arrive UPS person...!

I thought I was restless in Ohio, but the last few days trapped in my LA apartment have been nearly intolerable!

The good news is that my car is starting! I had planned to take it in for the oil change and tire rotation first thing this morning, then I was determined to get a second job TODAY! Grand plans, indeed.

Then I remembered a package was arriving today that I absolutely had to be here to receive. The clock is now headed toward the 5 o'clock hour and I have no package and no patience! I am very irritated that another day has slipped by with little progress being made. Worse yet is that around 2 p.m. I walked down to check my mailbox, where they would have left a note had I somehow missed them. I was happy not to find a note and happier yet to see their big brown truck about a block away on a side street! I guess I should have walked to them because I am sick of waiting for them to come to me!

Adding to the aggravation is the fact that it was shipped second-day air on Thursday morning. It arrived here at 3 a.m. Saturday. Why couldn't it have been delivered Saturday afternoon?

Never mind the title, that was just for dramatic effect; I won't actually be mean to the delivery person if it arrives today. However, if it does not, I will be bitching on the phone to someone until there is some sort of compensation given!

An Update: The expected hassles this city delivers

After sitting for a few months, I knew my car would need some TLC. Thursday AAA came to my parking garage to jump it and inflate a nearly flat tire with a portable air machine. I ran it for about an hour and a half to charge the battery back up; I washed the thick layer of dirt off and the sweet guys at a nearby 76 station used their better air machine to check the pressure in all four tires.

I thought I was all good!

Friday I set out to Universal Studios to brush up on the ever-changing tour so I can start working again and to the grocery. However, my car would not start. She is clean and inflated, but the charge did not hold. The grocery is in walking distance, but other than that I feel pretty stranded.

Luckily my apartment manager has a battery charger that is currently on the car; hopefully it takes. If the charger does not work, I'll have to take the bus to Universal tomorrow, as it is imperative that I start calling in to try to pick up shifts and start making money! Monday I need to get the car in for an oil change, tire rotation and possibly a new battery.

Once I have wheels again, I'll start looking for a waitressing job and new apartment. I really don't want to be in another year long lease, but if I could get someone to move in with me and pay more than half for the larger room, that would be nice. There's also a single available in my building, but they'd have to drop the price a few hundred dollars for me! I've put the word out to all my LA contacts, so we'll see...

I have yet another tough decision to make within the next few hours. My subscription to that casting website I always refer to expires today! I already let one of them run out and without this one I'll have no access to the breakdowns and no way to submit myself for projects. The trouble is, this website only offers year-long subscriptions for $70. That's a lot of money for me right now, especially if I end up going back to Ohio in a month! On the other hand, they nickle-and-dime you to add pictures and it's a pain in the ass to create your account, online resume, etc... so I'd hate to lose the account and have to do all that again in a month if I do stay.

I can't help but wonder though, if I let it expire today, will they send me some sort of last minute special price to get me to stay tomorrow...?

I feel like there's no point in being in LA if I'm not trying to get auditions and taking acting classes, but I do have a lot on my plate right now with employment and housing. When my roommate and I were catching up Wednesday night she said if she had it to do again, she'd do nothing but work and get acclimated her first six months here. That's not bad logic. I just messaged an actor friend who's lived out here awhile; he said he's only on the other casting site that I let go a few months ago. I've been submitting like crazy with little luck, so maybe it's time to try a different site...

The Coulda-Woulda-Shouldas

I can not account for the past few months of my life; I can’t even bring myself to type actual number of months. I have to say “few” because it somehow seems like less than the number! As I look back, I am so disappointed in myself. Instead of motivating me forward, the coulda-woulda-shouldas have only added to the debilitating stress and uncertainty.

When I went back to Ohio in November I did look for seasonal employment, unsuccessfully. As I mentioned then, I had several personal and household goals to keep me busy, in addition to visiting with family over the holidays. But then I extended my flight an extra two weeks, I think; and then my departure became indefinite… Had I known I’d be in Ohio for a few months, surely I could have found some sort of work and banked some cash. If I knew I would have been there long enough, I absolutely would have taken improv classes at Second City in Detroit or even stand-up at the local comedy club and definitely a bar tending class. I certainly should have made a better plan back in January instead of letting the indefinite turn into the embarrassing!

On one hand I feel like I did accomplish some needed packing and organization in my home, but there’s only so much you can do. I quickly discovered how unpractical it is to try to live in a home that is even marginally packed up. And I hope it goes without saying that it was wonderful to recharge my relationship; even with all our modern forms of communication, there is absolutely no substitute for human contact. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about my lack of productiveness over the last few months; rather, I know I am lucky to have taken a sabbatical, or sorts.

To paraphrase a line from the character Carrie Bradshaw, most of all I’ve come to the realization that I absolutely must find a way to stop shoulding all over myself!

All I want in life is to be happy; I tell myself daily that my current struggles are necessary in the pursuit of my dreams and ultimate happiness. However, it’s impossible to find happiness when you constantly feel uncertain, indecisive and regretful.

I am left wondering, should I focus on making better decisions, planning better and sticking to that plan? Or could I rewire the way I think, as to accept whatever has and does happen in life? There are those words again – Should I? Could I? Would I just shut up already and live my life instead of crying as it passes me by?!?!

I know the answer is a combination of the two, but it’s simply not that easy. On my DVR in Ohio is a PBS special about understanding how things affect your brain function and emotions and learning to manipulate it. I get it, I really do, but there are so many blueberries a person can eat in a given day!

I am better than most people I know at saying mail carrier instead of mail man. I avoid the term “they” when discussing minority groups and I can not stand using absolute terms on issues that I don’t know the facts on or that reinforce stereotypes. I understand that saying “don’t run” is ineffective; you should instead say “please walk,” etc… If I’m able to recognize and control my mind and verbiage in those ways, surely I can learn to eradicate the coulda-woulda-shouldas from my vocabulary. From now on, I CAN, I WILL, I SHALL!

Greeting from Memphis

No, there is not Elvis stuff all over this airport, at least not along the short walk I took to my connecting gate...

I guess I failed to keep my promise to blog more, but it would have just been more of the same: I'm lonely in LA, I'm without purpose in Ohio, the economy is horrible, I have such a hard decision and I don't know what to do, bla, bla, bla...

But things are about to get interesting again. My arrival at LAX tonight will begin a 21 day scramble to get things figured out! I need a new place to live and additional employment by April 30, or...?

Literally on Lockdown

Never mind Los Angeles being scary and dangerous - police had my safe, quiet, 200 house subdivision closed off this morning due to a gunman! We live on the other side of the neighborhood and didn't even know it until friends saw the news and sent us a text message. I knew immediately it had to be domestic and not random or hoodlum related violence; indeed, it's another example of the economy effecting seemingly normal people in extreme ways.

Is there wisdom in wisdom teeth?

I recently had supper with a friend who fells like just a few months ago life was finally perfect - she had an amazing fall wedding, found a great new apartment and both she and her husband loved their jobs. Now he is unemployed and perfection is a thing of the past. Just today we found out another friend was laid off from her government job. These stories are all too common and I know I don't have to expound on how hard these economic times are. People are not able to maintain their normal lifestyles, let alone the dual residences my partner and I have supported over the past year in order for me to pursue my acting career.

A year ago when I moved to LA I fully believed my guy would be there with me by now but we've not received a single offer on our Ohio home and with people getting fired left and right, this is the stupidest possible time for anyone to quit a good job and try to find a new one! I honestly didn't think I'd be in this position, but I have to figure out what the hell I'm doing - with the economy in mind- either find a new roommate, a new place or move back to Ohio.

My current roommate is moving in with her guy when our lease is up at the end of April. The money I had saved prior to moving is long gone and in this economy, my current apartment is no longer affordable. Perhaps I could swing it if I could negotiate a lower price and a new roommate paid a greater percentage for the bigger room. But I have no roommate prospects; moreover I can not fathom being in another year long lease without my love. I need to look into month-to-month leases. Either way I would have to find additional employment.

I am left with the million dollar LA actor question - how the hell do people do it?! It is such an expensive place to live; working enough to support yourself doesn't give you much time or flexibility to audition and take acting classes, so what's the point of being there if you're lonely, miserable and not really pursuing your passion? This is why tons of books and seminars are titled, "Don't get stuck in your day job," and why no one I've met in the work place is a very successful actor!

I have been desperate for answers; I feel like no matter what I'm going to regret my decision, but perhaps my mouth is making the choice for me...

Early last week I started experiencing extreme sensitivity in my top right molars, so I went to the dentist for a slightly overdo cleaning. At that appointment the hygienist noted my right top wisdom tooth was coming in and said, "I'm surprised you don't feel that poking you." Thanks a lot bitch - it's as if she gave it permission to start driving my nuts! Wednesday I went back to have a cavity filled on the left top molar, after which they tested the sensitivity on the right with a freaking ice cube. Lucky for everyone and everything within flailing distance of my arms, the ice test didn't really work; nonetheless, they said I need a gawd damn root canal! WTF?

For the past three days I've felt pain and poking from wisdom teeth on my top right and left sides, along with a sore throat, aching jaw and headaches. It hurts to open my mouth farther that a about half inch; I've been popping ibuprofen and only eating soft foods. Obviously, I am a huge wimp when it comes to oral pain.

In addition to the root canal and wisdom teeth issues, readers who have actually met me likely noticed that my bottom teeth are horribly crowded, and thus, crooked. It wasn't taken care of in childhood, as it should have been, and through high school and college I never wanted braces to interrupt my singing, acting, speech tournaments and pageants. For myself and those who see me often, it's just part of who I am and we don't notice it; I have been in total denial about the reality of the situation. When it does come up, I am frustrated and devastated. How could a beauty queen, actress, singer and public speaker have ignored nasty, crooked teeth for so long?!? While in LA I had more than one tearful phone conversation with my guy, crying, "why the fuck am I wasting our time and money here when I haven't even fixed what I know has to be fixed...?"

Yes, there are actors with less than perfect teeth, but mine are really bad. When I was in high school and college I used to daydream that some Hollywood-somebody would discover me and think I was so great, they'd pay to have them fixed! Ya right... It just doesn't work that way. especially in these hard times. Two years ago my parent's college graduation gift to me was to help get them taken care of and maybe it's time to take them up on their offer...

I figure if I have to be put under to get the stupid wisdom teeth removed, perhaps at the same time they could pull the crowded bottom tooth and begin the process of straightening them. I feel that if I'm back in Ohio for a set period of time to correct my teeth I won't feel like such a loser for not being in LA. Although the financial burden of this dentistry might be comparable to the living expenses of LA, it's something that needs to be done; and while I'm back in Ohio I would hope to find a more consistent job than Universal in order to contribute to the dental cost and start building my savings again.

It sounds like a good plan right? A wise plan, if you will...

Yet that damn little voice creeps into the back of my mind saying, "if you're really dedicated to your dream, you'd find jobs round the clock in LA to stay there... at least you could go to some audition, as opposed to the NONE in Ohio... Not to mention, the dentists in LA are probably better!"

I don't know if my teeth are giving me wisdom or an excuse...

An Update...

I just realized I only made four posts here in each January and February. Pathetic! I know I said this blog would honestly cover the good and the bad of my endeavors, but there came a point when publishing constant complaints and negativity felt neither productive or something I wanted to make public. I think the bottom line is that I have been harshly judging myself and although my readers have been very supportive, I didn't want to deal with others judging me as well.

I promise over the next few days I'll write on the following topics:

The Coulda-Woulda-Shouldas

Eat the freaking muffins!

Is there wisdom in Wisdom Teeth?

Help Leah get to Australia for the best job in the world!

Please help a friend of mine, and fellow Ohioan, get an opportunity of a life time!

Tourism Queensland is looking for a blogger/vlogger/island caretaker to work on the islands of the Great Barrier Reef for six months! Ten of thousands of people from across the globe have submitted videos. Next week the Top 50 will be selected and narrowed down from there...

Cracking into the Top 50 requires your video to get LOTS of views and positive ratings both on the company's website: HERE (note, it takes a few moments to open), as well as the video's YouTube link: HERE!

Please click on both of the links above! Just clicking and being counted as a view helps; also rate the videos by clicking on the highest possible star and on YouTube you can leave comments.

If you're on Facebook, there's also a group in support of her; click here to join and invite all your Facebook friends.

Yes, I woulda/coulda/shoulda submitted for this opportunity myself, but I didn't know about it and frankly I don't have as much experience as Leah. Obviously she's a friend, but I honestly think she is perfect for this job, so click, rate and comment to help her get it!

Casting Reality: Split Ends

I am still annoyed that I receive reality show breakdowns from the submission websites I subscribe to, but some of them do make sense... Parent's who think their kid is a star, people in the LA area who want a room redone for all the decorating shows, young and stupid singles and couples for dating and relationship shows...

However, this one surprised me and may even be something you'd want to pass along:

NOW CASTING SEASON 5 Of SPLIT ENDS

The Emmy-Nominated reality series on STYLE NETWORK!!

Could you cut it in someone else's salon? Could someone new survive in yours? If you think you have what it takes to swap salons, we want you on SPLIT ENDS.

You'll get to showcase your talent by representing your own unique personal style.

We're seeking CONFIDENT HAIRSTYLISTS with BIG PERSONALITIES from salons with attitudes to match!

SUBMITTING YOUR VIDEO ASAP.

PLEASE INCLUDE: Your name, age, where you live, and a brief bio about yourself. Tell us all about where you work, your hair styling skills & WHY you are the best!!!

Remember: Whether you are just getting started with your first cuts or you own your own salon- we want to hear from you!

COME SHOWCASE YOUR SKILLS AND BE RECOGNIZED FOR IT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION! MANY HAIRSTYLISTS HAVE INCREASED THEIR BUSINESS AFTER APPEARING ON THIS SHOW!!

If you've never seen it, Split Ends is a fun reality show that is basically Wife Swap or Trading Spouses for hair dressers. I was surprised to see this breakdown because the stylists who participate on the show are from all over the country. The best episodes are when they swap the small town, beauty-shop-in-my-home stylist with someone from a ritzy city salon! Overall, the participants have never struck me as wannabe actors, making this breakdown especially odd and annoying!

Anyway, if you do know a stylist who might be interested, I'd suggest checking the show's website, or tracking down contact info for the casting director, Angela Weingrad.

To make things easier...

*Edited after the original post*

I check several blogs that never get updated. It's extremely annoying and I hate that this blog has fallen into that category. The only way to remedy the annoyance is by becoming a "follower," and then if you have a blogger account you will see if other blogs you follow have been updated. I don't think this is very effective because I only see the blogger dashboard if I'm posting...

The other option is to "subscribe" and then blog updates are seen on the homepage of your yahoo or google accounts (or a few others). The most helpful, in my opinion is the orange and white icon at the bottom of the dropdown menu. It's a live bookmark; once it's in your favorites toolbar or dropdown menu, it then provides a seperate menu with all the blog post titles. It doesn't show dates, but if you remember previous titles, you'll know if there's been an update.

I hope that all makes sense... Check it out in the sidebar.

Things stink. Literally.

I woke up this morning to the smell of dog shit. Lovely.

Our ten year old Great Dane is the sweetest, most well behaved dog I've ever met, but she doesn't like to go outside in rain or extreme cold. This morning it was pouring and I'm told she wouldn't go out after her breakfast; a few hours later I awoke to the stench. It amazes me that whatever attempt she made to wake me didn't work, yet that smell is the most effective alarm clock I've ever experienced. Disgusting!

Who can be in a good mood if that's the way you wake up? In addition to that, an existing stress was brought to the forefront again last night. As predicted, my LA roommate confirmed that she'd be moving in with her boyfriend when our lease expires. I'm really happy for her because she seems to be in a great relationship, but for me it raises more questions...

I am NOT moving back to Ohio...

... But I didn't go back to California.

At moments like this I wish I had never started this stupid blog. Honestly sharing my current feelings and happenings quite frankly sucks. A few years ago when I was keeping up appearances on a less candid blog, I probably would have written this:

Luckily some bonus funds are covering the final few months of my current lease in California which gives me the opportunity to stay in Ohio a little while longer, guilt free! Since the New Year we've had a few prospective buyers come through our house, as opposed to the pathetic one in the six weeks prior. It just makes sense for me to be here now to help with showings. I was very unhappy by myself, so I'm excited to be actively helping to do what it takes to get my partner to LA with me! My return to California is indefinite, but always just a cheap one way ticket away.

In other exciting news, I received submission guidelines for sending an audition video to QVC! I need to record myself selling two different items, three minutes each! I've been watching QVC and trying to decide what to faux sell.

-

Okay, so that is what's going on, but not at all an honest assessment. I do have a good reason to still be here, but had I wanted to go back to LA, I would have. I feel like such a loser; even though I was incredibly depressed in Cali by myself, I feel like I should be persevering anyway. Oh, and as for "guilt free," that's total bullshit. Even if the apartment is being covered by "bonus money," I still feel like I'm wasteful for not being there.

I have some great friends who have been incredibly supportive; I only wish I could be as nonjudgmental of myself. Deciding whether or not to depart on the 20th was agonizing.; the pros and cons of staying a bit longer or going back were uselessly even. My biggest fear is that people will think I've given up already. A week has gone by and I'm still conflicted, but I am sure I will be going back to LA in the near future. After all, my car, almost all my clothes and other things are still there. As for my jobs, I'm a seasonal employee at Universal, so I haven't been on the schedule since Christmas, making this is a good time to not be there. My paperwork isn't complete for the Observatory; hopefully they'll still be interested in finalizing it when I do return.

So there it is...

I'll try to blog more, but it's hard to do when I'm feeling like shit about myself and don't have much to write about.

Paralyzed

As I sit here on my sofa, I feel like the gravity of the universe is pushing me down; a laundry list of things to do is swirling around my head, but I can't move: box up your college binders, go fill the bird feeders, grab one last coffee with so-and-so, make supper and take it to your guy who's at work till 9 p.m., clean out the loaner car and worst of all... go pack your suitcase.

My original departure date was the 6th; as soon as New Years hit I became very aware of it and extremely emotional. We moved it to the 20th, tomorrow, and thankfully I've been able to enjoy the past two weeks. "The 20th" did not loom ominously like the 6th had, but now that it's here I literally feel like I'm going to vomit. The idea of getting on a plane tomorrow afternoon seems bizarre and absurd, as if the life I'd led from last April to November was just a dream.

In the interest of thinking positive, the submission site I belong to has been sending me several emails a day with projects that match my profile, so it looks like there will be a lot of things to submit for, from which I'll hopefully be busy with auditions. I've also promised myself I'm going to be less of a hermit. I know three fellow Ohio women out there that I never met with in my first seven months, not to mention some other distant family, old acquaintances and new friends that I hadn't made the effort to reach out to like I should have.

On the other hand, my presence here would be more helpful now, in terms of selling the house. There was only one house showing in December, but already three in the past two weeks. I know my partner can keep the house neat and clean, since he's never here to mess it up, but removing the animals is a huge pain in the ass for him. The uncertainty of this coming year causes me a headache at its very mention; there's no way to know when the house will sell or what kind of project I'll land.

In the industry I've chosen I can never think anything is stable, nor can I write anything off - two days ago I got the same message from QVC, again asking where I was located. I don't know if they misfiled or simply never received my first reply, but I again sited dual residency and expressed my interest.

So, that's the latest. I suppose once I'm back in LA I'll have more to blog about here again and I'll try not to be such a downer all the time.

At least the dog enjoyed the hour in the car...

Instead of looking out my window, it seems as though I'm looking into a snow globe today; the flurries are absolutely beautiful! There's at least five inches of snow lining the top of the split-rail fence around my back yard, the thick tree branches and atop my bird feeders. It looks like icing piped on a ginger bread land. Though we're in a subdivision with neighbors on each side, there is a nature conservatory right behind us, which means a thinly wooded area that is green in the summer and sparkles with snow and ice in the winter.

Sounds wonderful, doesn't it? You'd want to buy it, right? Yeah, well, the process of selling has me livid right now!

I cleaned for a considerable amount of time yesterday for a showing this afternoon. I awoke to do some finishing touches, which instead turns into a mad frenzy, as I race against the clock. I loaded our Great Dane and cat into my loaner car and parked on the street a few houses down. The roads are bad so I didn't want to drive anywhere, not that there are many places to go in the winter with two animals... Plus I think it's fun to get a glimpse of the prospective buyers and also be able to go right back home as soon as they leave.

So we waited, and waited, and waited, then drove around the block a few times to get out of the way of the snow plow, then waited some more. You know where I'm going with this... NOWHERE! No one came. Again, the roads aren't great, but the fucking phone lines are still working! At least the dog enjoyed the hour in the car...

I'm left wondering how people can be so inconsiderate. There's a high likelihood that buyers for this house are already homeowners, therefore I would think they have sold or are trying to sell their own home and would understand how difficult and frustrating it is.

With the hassle of getting the house ready for each showing, I also feel like maybe we're not tidy enough on a daily basis... We are neat and clean people and the house has been "decluttered," as they would say on an HGTV show, but there are still a million things to do each time. My beau reassured me, when it comes to showing a house, "it's different." You simply must vacuum every room right before. I'm sure some of you germ-a-phobs sweep daily, but every room? Every personal item from every surface must be cleared away. Dog pillows from three rooms have to be tucked away and kitty liter boxes have to be removed completely. I try to have the dishwasher emptied and toss the current dish towel into the empty washing machine; I hide the hand soap from the kitchen sink, as to not reveal that the built in pump doesn't work. The plastic container of mixed nuts that my guy keeps on his nightstand as a midnight snack gets demoted to his sock drawer and the rug in our bedroom has to be rolled up and put in the corner of a closet so its frayed corners from a teething puppy aren't a distraction. The open music books on the piano have to go and the guitar cases and kareoke machine have been packed up. The tray by the backdoor for keys, change and other miscellaneous items found in ones pockets at the end of a day is jammed in a cupboard as well as the mail basket and every trash can must be emptied.

I know it sounds like stupid, easy, tedious stuff, but everywhere I look there's something on that level and it takes forever! Loading the animals and animal stuff into the car takes three trips; I was in a hurry and my snowy shoes accidentally tracked muddy water onto the freshly cleaned floors. The clock was ticking, I was sweating like a pig from scurrying around and I wanted to scream!

Even after all that, I'll readily admit we have come to like the streamlined look of our home, but it's not realistic. Again I'll say, I have no idea how people with kids do it! My parents visited right after a showing last week and I proudly asked, "isn't this the best our house has ever looked?!" My mom quickly responded, "No! It has no personality... It looks so empty. Where are all your pictures?"

---

My guy just called - apparently their agent left a message at our agents office, which was closed. They didn't have his cell number? Really? It's been rescheduled for Tuesday; until then, I'm not touching anything!

New Year - Same Stress

Sorry folks, I've been spending my time on my other subject-specific blog, as opposed to this one where I usually have to tackle plans and feelings and difficult things. We all know it just easier to bottle it up, but it all comes out eventually.

Even before the champagne was popped open on New Years Eve, my emotions were bubbling over. But I really don't feel like getting into it, so here are the cliff notes...

The holidays were great. I survived hosting my guy's family and always enjoy being around my own. After my rant about Universal, they did schedule to the bottom of the list last week and I missed two shifts, which is not too awful in terms of attendance points.

One of the benefits of being home was supposed to be that I could easily remove our animals when the house was being shown. If only our shitty agent would actually get us some showings!!! We finally got one this past Friday and then the couple brought their parents to see the house Sunday. The agent said they looked at six houses Sunday and we're now in their top three, even though the parents "totally picked the place apart." I'm excited about the possibility, but my guy is really sick of the process. Our house has been in the top three before and he's not getting excited about anything until there's actually an offer.

I can't begin to share how difficult and frustrating it is to prepare and maintain a large house for showing, I don't know how people with kids do it! It's also nauseating that our home has actually depreciated despite our good neighborhood and upgrades. I get so angry when I watch shows on HGTV that feature nothing but appreciation - not here! Worst of all, if it doesn't sell soon, I fear I'll still be alone in LA when my lease is up at the end of April and I won't know what living situation to get into next.

On a lighter note, yes that was me on national TV this weekend. "Gameshow in my Head," a new show I was a paid audience member for several months ago finally aired. I DVRed two episodes, even though I didn't recognize their summaries. Indeed, when I went back and watched them they were not the episodes I was there for, however I was featured in reaction shots. Ah the magic of editing! It'll be interesting to see if I'm in the episodes that I actually was there for! I specifically remember one of the contestants was a college basketball player from Ohio and the other was a middle-aged woman who had to pretend to be a psych ward escapee.

As for my whereabouts, I'm still in Ohio and frankly don't want to go back to LA. It's not that I don't want to continue pursuing my career, it's that after being in my home with my family and friends, I don't want to go back to the pathetic excuse of a life that I have in LA. I don't know if this makes sense outside my head, but I feel like I've done as much as I can do until I'm truely settled in California with my guy. Happiness directly impacts our health and success; I know life will always have its challenges but being apart is too stressful and lonily for either of us to be at our best.

So yes, I am going back to LA but the flight that was originally scheduled for tomorrow has been pushed back a little bit.

If having nothing to blog about means I’m relaxing, then my guy should be happy, as that was his wish for me while I was back in Ohio. I can’t help but feel my early January departure starting to loom; I absolutely can not believe that I’ve been home for a month now. The time has gone so quickly, yet I haven’t done much, especially in regard to that to*do list I posted.

My focus at the moment is preparing to host my partner’s family for their holiday celebration tomorrow. They’ve always bugged us about hosting a get-together and we’ve somehow managed not to for the past four years. Since the house is on the market, I figured it’s time to do our part before we’re both on the other side of the country. We’ve had lots of parties in for friends and colleagues, but with cooking, cleaning, gifts and holiday décor, this is definitely my biggest undertaking.

As for other things… I have still not heard back from QVC and the “I didn’t know I was pregnant” episode Sunday night did not feature the character/situation I auditioned for. Remember “Gameshow in my Head” that I was a paid audience member for months ago? It was supposed to air in late summer; when it didn’t, I hoped it was dropped, but a friend called to let me know he saw promos. It’s airing in January.

Although I always knew I was coming home for the holidays, it came with a great deal of anxiety. I feared missing out on opportunities and was mortified that I would lose my job at Universal. For the first time, the park decided to be open on both Thanksgiving and Christmas days. Seasonal employees, such as myself, are expected to work the busy week around the holidays, while many veterans take vacation days. I was very scared that I would accrue lots of absentee points, causing suspension or even termination. Word around the break room seemed bleak and some of the dispatchers were certain we’d be “scheduled to the bottom of the list” around the holidays. I toiled over resigning on good terms in hopes of being hired back for the spring break rush, but thankfully the laid back director of the Studio Tour told me not to be concerned. I changed to minimal availability and requested the remaining days off, neither of which truly safeguard me from being scheduled.

So, how many points have I gotten? ZERO! I haven’t been scheduled for a single shift that I had to try to get covered. I realize I should be happy and relieved but I’m actually annoyed. Due to the scheduling scare tactics many of my coworkers didn’t go home for the holidays, yet even with open availability the low seniority employees are not getting shifts! Had I stayed in town and not been scheduled, I would have been livid!

Needless to say, I'm so glad I came home for six weeks. My roommate asked if I was missing LA and the answer was no. Life is infinitely easier and more comfortable here. I am loving the cold weather and the snow has been beautiful. Last night I fell asleep to sleet tapping at the windows and awoke to lovely ice coated trees. I know, I know, many of you probably have more colorful words for this weather, but I missed it.

Something wonderful that won't be disputed is the anniversary my beau and I celebrated last week. It marked five years that we've been together and I couldn't imagine being apart for it. He woke me up with my coffee and a beautiful bracelet, then we had lunch at the restaurant where we met. He went all out, cooking me a gourmet supper and I gave him a photo book chronicling our relationship with pictures, which took me hours to create online.

Being back here with my beau and my animals feels so good! Even with the security of someone to cuddle up with at night and our superior mattress and sheets, I am still not sleeping like a normal person. It's 4 a.m. and with a big day of cleaning, shopping and prepping food, I should try to get some sleep...

"I didn't know I was preganant"

Dear god no! I'M NOT pregnant, but you may recall that was the name of a Discovery Health TV movie I auditioned for just prior to coming home for the holidays. As I was scrolling through tonight's viewing options, I noticed a program of the same title is on TLC at 8 p.m. The show airing tonight is an hour documentary, as opposed to a two hour movie and this would mean post production was done very quickly, but I bet it is what I auditioned for since TLC and Discovery are sister channels.

I'm glad I noticed the listing; this will be a great opportunity to see what the casting director was looking for, as opposed to who I am and what I did in the audition.

As for the QVC issue I discussed below, I did reply, explaining my dual LA/Ohio residency, understanding that relocation is required and interest in meeting with them. I've not heard back; perhaps they are trying to find people already in Pennsylvania or someone in NYC who could conveniently get to their casting office. Who knows...

A query from QVC

Over a month ago I submitted for a QVC host position on one of the booking sites to which I subscribe. Yesterday I received an email from them simply reading, "Hi. Where are you located?"

Their breakdown made it very clear that it's a full time position, so candidates must be willing to relocate to their West Chester Pennsylvania headquarters. I'll shamefully admit that I already knew they were in Pennsylvania from watching the QVC challenges on The Apprentice!

Although I have oodles of public speaking experience and was a commercial and live TV host for over a year, my gut reaction is that I don't want to get stuck hosting instead of acting. That's the boat my roommate's in - she has a great job hosting a popular podcast, but she has no time for acting classes and doesn't even submit for auditions now.

I know what you're all screaming at your computers right now - Think about the exposure!!!" The reality is that it's highly unlikely that a director or producer will see a host and say "get that girl for my next project!" Even worse, I've been flat out told by a top agent that they don't want to see you as a host or a model or anything else; if you're an actor they just want to see the best damn actor you can be. I learned that at a workshop at Universal after asking what would be thought of my demo reel which features local commercials... However, that guest speaker was from a very exclusive agency. Surely a position like QVC host garners a lot of great connections and good representation.

Obviously I'm just 'thinking out loud' right now. I haven't even been offered an audition, let alone a job! Again, I immediately felt like this is the wrong direction for me. I've come to discover that LA moves so quickly, you just have to be there! On the other hand, my mind painted a whole new wonderful picture when I reread the breakdown and saw the annual salary. *Jaw dropped.* It seems to me to be enough money to fly to LA or NYC a couple times a month for really promising auditions, if time would permit. It would also be the first job in my life that would actually allow me to save money. What a novel idea! Best of all, it would be closer to Ohio.

But, if LA is where I need to be for the career I really want, would pursuing this be putting a price tag on my dreams?

I need to really think about it more and talk to my guy, but for the time being there's no harm in replying that I'm just a state away. ;)

Mixing history and holidays: a recipe for disaster!

It's amazing how quickly time passes; I can't believe I've been home for two weeks already! I thought I would have blogged about some LA experiences that I never got to, but I haven't even written about things that have happened here in Ohio... A reader even emailed this morning missing me. Aww! That rocks. Although I'm not so sure that particular reader will agree with me on this issue...

The Sunday after Thanksgiving I had a great celebration with my immediate family at my parent's home. My mother puts out an amazing holiday spread and my new four day old nephew was even there! However, as the day drew to a close I became troubled when I sat down to help my niece with homework.

She had been sick and missed a few days prior to the holiday break. While the rest of my family couldn't believe that a first grader got two to three pages of homework every night, I was appalled by the content. The Thanksgiving themed pages were sexist and derogatory!

The first sheet was reading comprehension; I read the following short paragraph and then she had to write short answers to simple questions: "In Colonial days children did daily chores. Boys hunted and fished. Girls learned to sew. Children helped their parents."

As soon as the words left my mouth, I went charging into the living room to read it to the rest of my family, with my niece on my heels. "It says in Colonial Days," my mom, who works at a preschool, defended. We retreated back to the kitchen table but as we colored the picture on the page my niece and I talked about all the times she's gone camping and fishing with her dad and I told her that boys can sew too!

I'm sure many of you agree with my mom and would not have thought twice about the paragraph. My concern is that no one is pointing out to the children that now days things are different. When I asked about her teacher, my brother rolled his eyes, saying she is very old and traditional in a bad way! I fear many sexual stereotypes are perpetuated in my nieces classroom.

The second page really set me off, as it talked about "Indians." Yes, I honestly feel the correct term, Native American, should have trickled down to our small town elementary schools by now. I explained to my niece that Indians are the people who live in the Asian country of India, which is where the explorers thought they had landed. I realize that terminology for America's indigenous people is widely debated; many people do not find "Indian" offensive, but I can not help but be troubled by our schools inability to teach our children the facts! My brother feels similarly about Columbus Day. Unlike the schools, he's taught his daughter the truth: that Mr. Columbus was a horrible tyrant who does not deserve a holiday and was not even the first to discover the Americas.

It was certainly not my intent to upset anyone, but by deeming everything offensive I ended up offending my mom, who wonders why everything she was taught and grew up with is now so awful. We tried to explain that history has been written by the winners, which largely means from the point of view of affluent white men and in some cases is therefore incomplete. My mom went through the rest of my niece's folder to find me other pages that did use the words Native American. Unfortunately she found something else that I found to be the worst of all.

There was a Thanksgiving handout from a local church. I didn't even look at it, I didn't want to know... My oldest brother backed me as I mentioned the separation of church and state, but we then let it all go and changed the subject, as to not cause a great debate during an otherwise happy holiday.

I didn't drink the water...

At a Thanksgiving celebration at my grandparents home on Thursday, I didn't drink the water.

Why? Because one cousin is seven months pregnant, while the youngest of the cousins had his two week old baby there; another cousin brought his six week old baby and on our way home we stopped by a hospital to meet my new nephew, born the night before!

They're all baby boys, which offsets the slew of elementary school girls we have running around. I am the only able grandchild left to create great grands, so everyone tells me, "Just you wait!"

"Wait?" I reply. "Clearly, I AM!"

Back in the Buckeye State!

It feels great to be home! I think the best part is that there isn't a looming departure.

In addition to enjoying the holiday season, there are lots of things I hope to accomplish:

1. Clean out storage spaces.
2. Pack up the house as much as possible.
3. Encourage the realtor to show the place A LOT, since I'm here to remove the animals.
4. Design and mail holiday post cards to industry folks.
5. Review and/or read the essential acting books. (Uta hagen, Stella Adler, Sanford Meisner, Michael Caine, Constantin Stanislavski... )
6. View must-watch films. (top films of all time, all the work of acclaimed directors and actors)
7. View Universal Studios Best Picture winning films and other movies filmed on the lot that I haven't seen ever, or in a long while. (Jurassic Park, Back to the Future, Psycho, Showboat, Pirates of the Caribbean, Winchester 73... the list goes on and on...)
8. Learn all things astronomy!
9. Take my niece to the Neil Armstrong museum and/or COSI - if I can explain things to her, I should be able to do my new job when I get back to LA.
10. WORKOUT! Using the equipment in our basement and guys motivation, I need to get toned up again and back on an exercise schedule.

Greetings from Chicago

I'm so close I can almost feel the warm embraces and taste the delicious Thanksgiving food! But, here I sit in O'Hare waiting for the flight that is supposed to leave in ten minutes to even begin boarding. It's a small plane that changed gates while I was in the air from LAX... As long as my checked bag makes it aboard, I don't mind!

As for the airport, it's no big deal. I had heard this one was large and difficult, but I have yet to feel that way about any through which my travels have taken me...

I am an employee of the city of Los Angeles...

... Pending a tuberculosis test, that is.

I thought TB was eradicated with polio; I mean, wouldn't a meningitis test be smarter? Perhaps I'm getting my diseases confused, I'm certainly no medical expert. Nor do I know much about astronomy, but I assured the Phd.'s at the Griffith Observatory that I am a very quick study. Lucky for me, they have learned that when filling their guide positions, it's easier to teach science to someone personable than to teach people skills to a nerd. I mean science buff. No... I mean nerd; I'm pretty sure they've embraced that term now.

I am now twice amazed to get such a wonderful position at an iconic Hollywood location, site unseen! I am very grateful to my Universal co-worker who not only recommended me, but also encouraged me to interview dispite my apprehensions. When I arrived at the Observatory Wednesday afternoon, I was awestruck!

It sits atop Mount Hollywood, within Griffith Park; the famous Hollywood sign can be seen just across the way, on Mount Lee. I called my beau to tell him I felt like I was literally standing on top of the world, with the recognizable buildings of Willshire and Hollywood in one direction, the downtown skyline in the other and miles and miles of city. I'm told on a clear day you can see the ocean. I arrived as the sun was a giant pink ball setting in the west and left with a new job and amazing view of endless twinkling lights. It's kind of a bitch to get to, but well worth it; once inside, it's just as beautiful. I swiped these pictures from various websites:


When I return in January I will work at the Observatory part-time. I will likely begin giving presentations to field-tripping fifth graders. Believe it or not, that's a slightly easier place to begin because it has specific topics and talking points. Although guides posted throughout the exhibits are open to any and all visitors questions, concerns and emergencies, as we walked through today the co-worker who recommended me for the position pointed out that guides aren't approached all that often. I think I already have the two most important lines down: "The restrooms are right this way..." and "The Big Bang theory, as a scientific explanation, is in no way meant to negate your religious beliefs."

Nonetheless, I will be doing a great deal of scientific study while I'm back in Ohio over the holiday. Lucky for me, I grew up about forty minutes from the Neil Armstrong Museum; when I visit again I'll actually force myself to read all the little plaques!

This means that so far I've gotten one out of my three Wednesday appointments. According to the breakdown, the TV movie is supposed to shoot this weekend, so I highly doubt I got the part. I did however accomplish my goal of building good report with the casting director. As for the emcee position at Universal, I'm a bit annoyed that we haven't gotten an email.

Scratch that, I'm really annoyed because they probably could have told us on the spot! It was a "live" audition, meaning we took turns being the emcee to real guests as they entered the studio tour area. What does that mean? You simply give people the following directions: To get on the tram, go to the left. Yes, you can take food and drink on the tram, check out the food cart behind me. This is a 45 minute ride, if you have to go to the restroom go back upstairs. Park your stroller over there... And to the people leaving you say goodbye and give them the times of other things going on in the park. Bla, bla, bla... Of course, you should do it with some personality and interact with the guests; asking where they're from or saying you like something they're wearing is ideal.

Anyway, about fifteen tour guides showed up for a rumored three or four emcee positions. I was surprised to see two veterans there, each with at least ten years at Universal! One is a guide and dispatcher, the other a VIP guide and trainer. I don't know if that's a sign of the bad economic times, if they're looking for a change of scenery or if they just wanted to fuck with the newest guides like me! Their seniority is discouraging, but while I like both of them as people I didn't really think they proved to be the best suited for this position.

Because park attendance was so low, we all rode up and down the escalator in the baking sun to give the person auditioning more people to talk to! Our two bosses sat on a nearby bench and often didn't appear to be listening, not that they needed to. We've all already proven we can speak and interact with people. I truly believe it's a popularity contest. It's less about what we did and said on Wednesday and more about the personality type they want. I will be flabbergasted if we don't find out today. I won't be upset if I'm not added to the emcee roster this time around, as most of you probably know from other things, I just get a little crazy when information is not distributed!

Star appointments: On the ground, in my eyes and up in the sky!

As my Wednesday calendar fills up, I can't help but think, "are you freaking kidding me?" And by that I mean, I'm happy, but all in one day? You see, I've had a whole lot of nothing on my plate for the past week or so. It would have been nice for these great opportunities to spread themselves out, but oh well, I'm just glad to have them...

I've known for a while that tomorrow Universal is holding auditions for the emcee position at the studio tour. Emcees greet guest when they come down the escalator into our area. More frustratingly, an emcee is on mic at the load line begging people to look down at the ground and make sure they're standing on a numbered star stamped in the concrete which represents a seat on the tram. People are so non-responsive, you'd think it was rocket science. Anyway, being a tour guide is better than emceeing, but if I can also get on the emcee roster it'll increase my possibility for shifts.

The emcee audition is at 1 p.m., then yesterday I booked an audition for noon tomorrow. It's a reenactment of actual events for a TV movie for the Discovery Health Network. I've read for both the casting directors in my acting class; I don't know if they remembered me from that, or if they called me in for my resemblance to the real person the story's based on. We have slightly similar roundish faces with brown hair and eyes, but they want someone size 8 or 10. I am smaller than that and frankly don't know how to approach this role - she's a fast food manager who goes to work, thinking she's been having bad menstrual cramps, but then delivers a baby in the bathroom toilet! Yikes! I've worked fast food and had cramps, but... Whether I get the role or not, the important part is that I make a great impression on the casting directors. Just getting auditions is the goal, then even if you're wrong for that part, hopefully they'll like you and call you back to read for other things in the future.

If the TV movie audition is not running on time or if there's traffic, I'll not make it to the emcee auditions, but that's just how it goes.

Then this afternoon I was asked to interview at the Griffith Observatory at 5 p.m. tomorrow! A coworker at Universal was kind enough to recommend me to his bosses there to do what he does - tour guide and present shows for the fifth graders who take field trips there. If the interview goes well, I'd have two jobs to come back to in January. Presenting and interacting with people is no big deal for me, it's the fifth grade astronomy that worries me!

Again, I am not complaining. Thank goodness things have come up, because I've been going crazy! Things have slowed up here in LA and I am very anxious to go home for the holidays! In the mean time, my sleep schedule is again backward; I easily stay up until 7 or 8 a.m. and sleep the day away, thus I'm concerned about getting to sleep tonight and having energy tomorrow.

I've spent my evening learning how to say "welcome to the Universal Studio Tour" and "for the love of gawd, stand on a damn star!" in multiple languages; thinking about what it would be like to not know you were pregnant then have a baby instead of a side of fries; and finally brushing up on the difference between a solar and lunar eclipse... Hopefully I deliver the right information at the right appointment!

I thought of witty titles, but they seem inappropriate...

Yesterday I didn't smell any smoke from my balcony; today is a very different story.

I drove to the grocery instead of walking because, although the smell here isn't that bad, it doesn't seem smart to breath it anymore than I have to. This seems insensitive, but it's nice, as smoke goes, like a camp fire smell. There is a haze in the air, but I can't see billows of smoke coming from a specific area, nor can I see the flames at the end of the cross street like I could the other night.

More Fires...

My sleep schedule is once again up-side-down, so imagine my surprise when after sleeping the day away I turn on the TV to hear there are fires in Orange County. Orange County? That's southeast...

I am still in no danger, but sadly many multi-million dollar homes "behind the orange curtain" are going up in flames. It's unbelievable; the news coverage is devastating, yet impossible to turn off.

Last nights fire in the hills to the north of me burnt over 8,000 acres; tonight's Orange County/Chino Hills fire has already claimed 5,000 acres and neither is close to being contained. One of the worst stories so far is of 500 homes lost in a pre-fabrication / middle class mobile home community.

Click here for an updated map. I'm at point A; last nights fire was above point B and moved westward and point C is the newest area of fire.

To answer a commenter below, I wasn't out and about today, but I did not smell or see any smoke from my balcony, nor do I hear sirens. These are brush fires along the hill and forest areas; I live in the city, so unless fire starts on the Hollywood Hills, I think I'll be okay. It has caused me to think about what I would do if I did have to evacuate... The only good part of having virtually nothing, is that I could easily pack it all back in my car and drive east! I'd only be out a mattress, cheap desk, leaky refrigerator and stiff love seat, only totally around $650. I am flying home for the holidays; I guess I'll be packing my favorite and most valuable clothes and hoping everything else is still here when I get back...

Sylmar Fire in the Northern San Fernando Valley

Over 10,000 people have been evacuated since last night.
The fire has burnt over 2,000 miles.

Fire fighters are saying they've never seen a fire behave like this
and the conditions are dire.

I am not a rubber-necker. When it comes to things that I can't help or that don't effect me, I usually walk on by. But not last night...

I ran an errand late last night. I was about to turn back on my street when the road opened up in front of me and it looked as though lava was surging toward me! I was mid-turn, but like a moth, I was compelled to drive forward instead. The wild fires that are actually 15 miles north of my apartment looked like they were just a few miles away! I drove a few blocks, trying to capture a photograph, but it didn't work and I turned back, confused by why I'd driven forward in the first place.

I've been up all night watching the live TV coverage and it's very frightening. The trouble is that we're experiencing "hurricane-force" Santa Anna winds. Speaking of hurricanes, much like the idiots who choose to stay with their coastal homes, the news keeps interviewing people armed with garden hoses, refusing to evacuate. What the hell!? Hurricane victims might be able to hunker down, then float, but these morons are just going to burn to death!

The fire has now jumped not one, but TWO highways - The 5 and the 210! It's spreading much faster than anticipated. The fire is crossing major power lines; entire communities in the main area have lost power and it's likely the entire Valley will experience outages. Also, they're warning people with respiratory problems to stay indoors, as the air quality will be poor across the entire city.

At this point it's moving westward along the mountain side. It would be catastrophic if it turns south to the miles and miles of flat residential and business communities. If it were to make that jump, I have no idea how quickly it would move or how long we would have to evacuate! Again, it's fifteen miles from me and moving in the opposite directions, but I am certainly paying attention to it. It began above the city of Sylmar and is moving toward Santa Clarita; I live in Studio City. MAP

Too... tired... to type...

$40 is not enough compensation for the ass whooping I just received and impending national public humiliation! Never trust a perky blond with a two inch waist, armed with a tiny workout machine that does a million different exercises!!!

Working-out as Work!

Have you ever wondered who those people were in the background of workout infomercials? You know, the ones gleefully using the machine, gadget or what appears to be a child's toy, while a frighteningly muscular guy tries to sell you the equipment?

Answer: ACTORS!

This morning I will be filming a workout infomercial. I have no idea what I've gotten myself into!

I submitted for it a day or so ago on the booking website I subscribe to. Because I only have headshots, not a full or even half body shot, I really didn't expect to hear from them. I mean, you'd think they'd want to make sure people have the right physique, but I guess not... The breakdown was as follows: "Men/Women for fitness class and testimonial shoot. We are taping a first time users class with Hot LA Fitness Trainer Ashley Marriott for use in a commercial for a new at home fitness product. I need 20 people attractive, 20 to 50 years old, any ethnicity and good bodies. Shoot is Sunday November 9 approximately 5 hours. Be ready to work out and take a fitness class and then give testimonial regarding the class and the product. There is no pay."

When I submitted for it, I figured, "what the hell!" At least I'll get a free workout session out of it, as I'm in desperate need of something to get me exercising again. As it turns out, I'll also get $40 for travel. A few months ago I came very close to doing an acne product infomercial. They were offering a years worth of free products (no, I don't remember what kind, I don't think I was told), but because it would be shown nationally, my acting teacher said I should absolutely not do it without being paid money. The casting director told me that it is unethical to pay someone who gives a testimonial. Free products would have been nice, but I opted not to do it.

Forty bucks isn't much, but in this case at least I'm getting some cash. I have no idea where this commercial is being distributed; if it's national, this is a pretty raw deal, but at least it wouldn't be featuring my unflattering zits! :)

I asked what type of product it is and what muscle group we'll be working; I was told it's like a mini BoFlex with 12 exercised for various parts of the body. Although we'll only workout for about an hour, I have to be there from 8:30 a.m. to 1 p.m. to give before and after testimonials.

I'll need to be up by 7 a.m. at the latest, but I've been going to sleep around 4 a.m., so this will prove interesting...

Bittersweet everything...

My guy was in town visiting Sunday to Thursday, thus my lack of blogging. It's always wonderful to see him, but I have to say this was probably his best visit. We saw Wicked at the Pantages Theatre in Hollywood, partied after the election and went on a hike in the beautiful mountains. I'll try to write about all of that in more detail; for the time being though I'm feeling that all to common emptiness.

As for the election, I am so excited that Barack Obama won!

However, I am deeply saddened that here in California Proposition 8 passed (barely). Earlier this year the state Supreme Court ruled that everyone could marry, but Prop 8 reinstates a ban on gay marriage. I truly don't understand. This country has fought discrimination time and time again, yet we never seem to learn from those battles. We are no better than the societies that enslaved blacks, would not let women own property and imprisoned innocent Asians. Plain and simply, by not allowing all people to marry, we are restricting rights just because we see some as "different."

Many use religion as an excuse to discriminate, which only confuses me further. This nation was founded on the separation of church and state by people who wanted to escape persecution based on their beliefs. How then, are we still doing just that? As one of the “No on 8” advertisements said, it does not matter how you feel about marriage, yes on 8 was D * I * S * C * R * I * M * I * N * A * T * I * O * N!

For the past few days protesters have been rallying on the streets of Hollywood, West Hollywood and Beverly Hills. They have been mostly peaceful, but horribly affected street and highway traffic; if there’s one great way to get attention in LA, it’s fucking with the already awful traffic!

California is not the only state to pass gay marriage bans, which makes this election so bittersweet. I am elated to see our country has moved beyond race and gender when looking for a President, so I have to believe I will also live to see a society that does not hate based on sexuality.

Don't forget to vote today!

Although California has some propositions that I am very passionate about, I elected to vote via absentee ballot in Ohio, where I feel my presidential purgative is more valuable.

I don't want to get political on this blog, so I'll let some funny pictures do the talking for me. After all, in an election this important, our heads will explode without a little humor. (Most of these are from the political page of my favorite guilty pleasure, the LOLCats blog.)

It's Raining!!!

Well, it's stopped now, but it was! :)

I was so excited to be distracted by an odd noise coming from my balcony. Although it's a cold rain, I stood in it with a big grin on my face like an idiot. More than the feeling of the cold wet drops against my face, I had forgotten about the smell. It's so distinct but indescribable.

When I was home a few weeks ago a friend teased me, asking, "are you really so obsessed with rain?" YES! You'd be amazed how much you miss it when you go for months, not weeks but months, without it. People say they move to places like California and Florida "for the weather." Now that I'm here, I say bullshit! There is no weather here! There's earthquakes and fires and sunshine, but no actual weather.

Anyway, I found myself cold and kind of bored, so I put on a jacket and fuzzy leopard print slippers, returned to my balcony and asked "now what?" It was 5:30 a.m. and still kind of dark. Was is it safe? Could I go for a walk in the rain? In my opinion, anything past 5 a.m. seems like a safe hour. Surely criminals are passed out by then, but it was still dark... Instead of going anywhere I called my guy who was just arriving to work dressed as a duck hunter for the holiday and getting reactions from his coworkers/our friends. Then I called my mom who was baking a cake on her day off for a Halloween party tomorrow night...

Costumes
Friends
Parties

What are, things I don't have in LA, Alex.

Actually that's not true. I could have gone to a Halloween party hosted by a coworker Monday night, but I didn't. It's just not the same. Instead of all that familiarity, I'm here in LA where things feel like they're up-side-down. Literally.

I've been working evening shifts and getting home around 1 a.m. Then I'm awake until 4 or 5 a.m. and pretty much sleep until it's time to go to work the next day. Last night, I got home, fixed food and watched the 3 a.m. rebroadcast of Oprah and I'm still awake at 7 a.m. It really doesn't get much more up-side-down than that!

Aside from my fucked-up work and sleep schedule, I once again feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I mean, I know what I'm here to do, but the execution isn't going so well. Earlier this fall I was overwhelmed with stress and sadness, so I took advantage of going home for a week. Immediately upon returning I was knocked on my ass with a medical issue, hence the line on the 18th, "I'm dealing with somethings that I can't disclose."

After reading that, my guy said, "People are going to this I broke up with you!" If you thought that, you were wrong and shame on you. Rather, I was ailing from physical symptoms as well as stress that it might be a major medical issue. Even after I was feeling better, test results were still missing! I got the bill for the fucking tests before I finally got word that it was far less serious than originally thought. It's virtually nothing. I expect scare tactics from politicians, but not my doctor! Anyway, I need not say what it was because... well, it wasn't. I'm absolutely fine, except for the fact that after the stress and the trip and the health scare, I've lost an entire month of my life!

Even though I got new headshots, I haven't done anything with them this past month and now I don't know what to do. I finally made the decision to come home for Thanksgiving and just stay until the New Year. Flying back and forth would just be silliness. Now I have less than a month in LA before that holiday break. Should I pursue sending my new headshots out to managers and agents or wait until I get back in January? How do I make the most of this month, without feeling like it's wasted time that could be spent with the one I love?

How did this happen; how does time just evaporate like this? I've been so ashamed that I've not done anything with my new headshots, and so consumed with health issues, I've obviously not been in the sharing, blogging mood, but there's nothing like a little rain to help clear your head. Well, not really, I still don't have answers to most things, but I finally felt something normal and natural. It was cold and wet and smelled amazing... and it made me feel better.

Dodger Dogs, Missing Midol, Egomaniacs in the Express Lane and Men and Microwaves...

So I'll bet you're thinking that since I haven't blogged that means I've been busy doing stuff that'll be really cool to read about! Right?

Yeah, sorry... Not so much.

I felt horrible all week and didn't do a whole lot of anything. But here's some randomness that you'll hopefully find amusing:

Halloween Horror Nights at work have been a huge success, which is actually a bad thing. We've been grazing the point at which high ticket sales makes executive types very uncomfortable, not from a crowd control stance, but moreover, long wait times this year could result in unhappy patrons and less ticket sales in the coming years. Like the day time, the Studio Tour is the most popular attraction and our line is going through our queues, up our escalator and spilling into the theme park. Last weekend a food stand that sells 'Dodger Dogs' complained that our exit blockades were right in front of them and as a result their sales were pathetic. Our management was annoyed that a meager food stand would challenge the most popular attraction but for the sake of corporate synergy they struck a deal. Our lines would stay but the tour guides would encourage everyone on each Terror Tram to get a Dodger Dog as they left...

The night this began I was working as a guide and a friend who was opening tram gates at the unload area sent me a text half way through the night asking what the hell was going on with the Dodger Dogs? "The guests are screaming to get off the tram because of the infomercial!" he wrote. It was annoying to everyone working the unload area who had to hear it repeatedly and apparently to the guests too, but it worked! Our menacing intent was to keep Dodger Dogs so damn busy that they'd be sorry for messing with us, and indeed, they sold out!

-

Earlier this week Oprah did a show on rudeness and the fact that it's a national epidemic. It focused a lot on cell phone etiquette and restaurant behavior but a question in an 'are you rude?' quiz asked if you'd knowingly taken more than the allotted number of items through an express check-out lane. I think that's a forgivable offense if you're in a huge hurry and not too far over the limit.

Jump to the next day - I find myself in the grocery having a horrible day. The usual ghost-town of a pharmacy has a line of people and a wait to get something filled, causing me to rearrange my afternoon and possibly making me late for work. After finally dropping off a prescription I grabbed a half gallon of milk and went to the pill aisle for Midol. I searched and searched with no luck. I glanced in the "feminine hygiene" area with no luck there either. It was not in the glass case under the pharmacy window either. The closest employee was a middle aged man stocking potatoes. Great! Modesty be damned, my finger had gone numb from the milk and I had fulfilled my daily workout pacing back and forth in front of the pills.

"Hi, I realize you're the produce guy," I said. "But I need help in aisle one, from you or whomever." He put down his potato and asked what I am looking for. "Midol. Which, by the way, is a pretty stupid product to hide from a women in need of purchasing it." He looked confused for a moment, thought about it, then laughed. It was located by the tampons, but hidden behind one of those dangling displays that jut out from the middle of a shelf. "Are you freaking kidding me? You know this is terribly placement, right?" I looked at him with a bullshit smile, knowing he'd go back to his potatoes and not pass my concerns along. For the record, all my comments were veiled with humor; I was not rude. Bunt, but not rude.

In the express lane with my Midol, milk and loudly ticking watch, the woman in front of me clearly had more than 15 items. I knew she was real trouble when asked if she'd like paper or plastic. "Double plastic," she replied. Mind you, the express lane didn't have a bagger so asking the cashier to double bag immediately negated the word 'express.' Her transaction seemed to take five years; she had two or three bottles of wine that couldn't be quickly scanned and tossed. Then, as the poor cashier handed her one of her bags, the woman complained, "Oh, this is so heavy!" The cashier took the time to separate it into two bags. EXPRESS LANE!?!?!?

I did pick up the 'scrip and make it to work on time, never mind the misplaced Midol and egotistical express lane bitch.

-

My roommate's parents are in town for a visit. They got in late last night and stayed at our apartment, but are now in a hotel. I am here much more than my roommate, so I put away the things I'd been using, like the ironing board, and straightened up a bit. I didn't sweap or go too far out of my way though, I mean, they're not my parents! The last time her mom visited (by herself) I have to admit, I was a little disappointed that she didn't give our apartment that "mom cleaning" that I'd heard people talk about in my college years. No big deal; just an observation. But imagine my surprise when I awoke this morning to find a sparkling clean cook top and microwave! Nice! Yes, they were both a bit dirty with left over splatter, but not like bachelor pad disgusting or anything. I had to smile and laugh as I thought "it must have been her dad!"

I think a clean microwave is a mans domain! My guy always bugs me about not covering every single thing I put in the microwave with a paper towel and he commented on my slightly splattered microwave the last time he was here. My dad is pretty good about cleaning stuff like that too. I hate gender roles, but the obvious joke here is that the microwave is a lot of guys primary cooking medium, so like a car or a tool set, they keep it clean! ;)

I can't wait to ask my roommate if she saw which parent cleaned our microwave. It doesn't really matter, I'm grateful it was done for us, but more than that I am amused by the quirky little things that make me think of home.

A friend at work last night asked if I had fallen off the face of the earth and you might be wondering the same. The asnwer is yes, it kind of feels that way.

I got back in town for my acting class Tuesday night, which went amazingly well and I'm working every night this weekend. By working I mean hiding out in the upstairs lounge, as opposed to the main area with a million other annoying type-A personas that I haven't felt like interacting with. It's odd how the Horror Night shifts are structured - instead of paying employees for the amount they actually work, all tour guide shifts are seven hours. To make that happen you're called in between 4:30 to 6 p.m., even though the event doesn't open until 7. I'm certainly not going to complain about being paid to do nothing, but last night I wanted to be anywhere else.

I don't anticipate tonight being much better. I'm dealing with somethings that I can't disclose, but hopefully life will be back to normal soon.

Musings from an airplane

Written 10.13.08; 8 p.m.ish EST:

I should be memorizing a scene for tomorrow night’s acting class as I sit aboard an aircraft swiftly dragging me back to LA at thirty-some thousand feet. That stupid scene is the only reason I am on this flight; I don’t have to work until Saturday and would have changed my ticket to Friday if not for my obligation to my scene partner. I guess it’s really less about the him and more about the opinion of my acting teacher. My current scene partner is also in a distance relationship with his partner, so he understands my circumstance. I’m sure he could easily present a monologue tomorrow night, but I do not want to look unreliable in anyone’s eyes. Skipping class could lead to calling off that one measly shift and then when would it end…?

On the way to the airport my guy asked me if I even had fun this visit and “Did it only make things worse?” “I got to see you, so I could never call it ‘worse,’” I answered.

The truth, as I went on to explained to him, is that it’s harder this time because there’s nothing new and exciting about going back to LA. I have my apartment, my acting class, my job and a basic understanding of how everything works. I’ve always known it would be difficult and now I understand the logistics of that reality. Friends disagree, but I have never felt I am a very motivated person, thus, running the business of “me the actor” is a constant struggle. I hate to admit it, but I work better with a little bit of structure to hold me accountable.

With neither structure nor the physical presence of my greatest supporters, the past couple months have been very difficult. My roommate works long hours and has a serious boyfriend that she spends most of her free time with, so I have gone over two weeks without seeing her. I still talk to a couple castmates from the musical festival and know some cool people from work and acting class, but I can count on one hand the times I’ve been out with them. Restaurants are expensive, I don’t drink and drive and I don’t want to deal with being hit on… As result of my lacking human interaction, I’ve developed a very unnatural relationship with Michael Phelps. I talk to him everyday when I feed him breakfast.
He’s my pet Beta fish. :)

Although I have my new headshots and should be excited about now getting a manager and better agent… I’m… I don’t know what I am. I’m not unexcited, but not as energized as I should be. I’m just tired of doing everything on my own. I know I’m not alone; I talk to my guy a million times a day via phone, webcam, text and email. Nonetheless, the feeling of loneliness is extremely draining.

In addition to not wanting to go back to all those negative aspects, it was difficult to once again see all I had left and am asking my guy to leave. I love our home! It is so beautiful and comfortable and full of memories. If you could see my house and watch how my guy treats me, for even five minutes, you would think I was absolutely, committably crazy for leaving it. It’s stupid and foolish and beyond comprehension. What the fuck is wrong with me? In Ohio I already have what some people search their lives for. Even though I was fulfilled to be spending time with my loved ones and pets, I still felt the sadness and conflict associated with everything in our lives being upside down right now.

If you think this sounds like I’m waving a literary white flag, then you don’t know me very well. I’m like our Great Dane stuck in the MINI Cooper, or a cat up a tree… With ever step I take forward, the path behind me disappears. I won’t go back; I can’t. Like our dog the other day, I’ll sit in the car, equally terrified of going back the way I came and eagerly waiting for the car to move and take me somewhere wonderful. I have no doubt that the vehicle that is my career will take off, it’s just that sometimes being the driver is beyond overwhelming. Okay, enough with the bad car analogies…

Dallas... Again

I'm sitting across from a clothing store in the airport called Lone Star Attitude, in which the manikins have bull heads. They're made of sleek shiny white plastic, but still!

Too bad the store is closed, I could have had an hour of amusement watching who in their right mind enters such a place...

Oh my funny! Our Dane was stuck in the MINI!

For the first time in her ten year life, my guy found a flea on our Great Dane this afternoon! Ack! He headed back to work and suggested if, by chance, she would fit in the MINI Cooper, I take her to the groomer. Prior to calling for an appointment, I thought I should try putting the dog in the tiny two door car.

She hopped in with ease, but the groomer had no openings this afternoon, and then the dog wouldn't get out of the car!!! She tried, but our huge pooch is extremely timid and was freaked out by the small space she had entered... She was like a cat who had gotten itself stuck in a tree! I tried coxing her with treats, I tried ringing the door bell, then I just started taking pictures because it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen!

I left the doors open and returned to my Project Runway marathon - an hour and fifteen minutes later she finally decided to get out of the car and come back in the house!

Headaches from Horror Nights!

I mentioned a bit of surprise that I wasn't on the work schedule this week, but then again, I'm just one of many cogs in a very large wheel, so I got a plane ticket home without questioning it.

Tuesday afternoon our dispatch office called to see if I wanted to pick up an extra shift guiding a Terror Tram this Saturday night. Nope!

Then, last night, as my guy prepared me a delicious "welcome back" meal, I received a voice mail from the scheduler that there was a mistake and I am on the schedule as an STA this Saturday. We're emailed a 4 to 6 page PDF document; the first couple pages is the main guide schedule, followed by foreign language guide schedules and emcee schedules... I did not know that under all that there is now a page devoted just to Halloween Horror Nights shifts, as those shifts are also listed in on the main guide schedule. For me, there was a technical glitch and my shift this Saturday was only on the Horror Nights page and not by my name on the main guide page. *sigh* Obviously dispatch is only looking at the main page too, since they called me to guide.

Am I flying home early to do the shift? Hell no! My salary wouldn't come close to covering a ticket change fee! Luckily, our scheduler was cool about it, admitting it was a technical mistake, and not panelizing me with attendance points. If she wanted to be a bitch she could claim it was my responsibility to read the entire schedule; I guarantee there will be a note in a coming email alerting everyone to the additional Horror Nights page!


Anyway, it feel so amazing to be home! Since my guy works 12+ hours today I'm driving to see my parents and grandparents. The timing is great, as my brother from Chicago is also coming down to visit his son in a nearby Indiana town. We'll be meeting tonight at good ole Pizza Hut, my mom's favorite, and I'm really anxious to get my brothers opinion on my new headshots.


Time to hit the road. Hhmm... Do I remember to how to drive the stick shift? :)

Dialing in from Dallas

I'm sitting in the Dallas/Fort Worth airport. I think it's in the four o'clock hour "my" time, six something here and seven something in Ohio. I fear the final leg of my journey, to Detroit, will have me at my wits end! I tried to sleep on the way here, unsuccessfully. I'm a fidgity flyer and it especially sucks not to have anyone to lean on. The last twenty minutes of the flight from LAX was not without someone to talk to though...

My flight was full of cocky Marine recruits who all looked like they just hit puberty. Although they looked young, they already had that cool, asshole, hardened essence about them. That was my impression until the one next to me opened his mounth and my heart sank. He was so... clueless and appropriately immature. He just talked and talked and talked to me. He'd wanted to join the Army and didn't know what the Marines were when they called him. He wanted to be a sniper because "it's so cool in the video games," but there were no openings so he's training to be a military fire fighter instead. At the boot camp he was returning from they talked about how it would be "awesome" for war to start in North Korea or Russia because it would be somewhere new to fight. "War isn't a video game!" I replied. "I know, I know..." he laughed. But does he? He also went on and on about his family. His room is decorated with Eagles football stuff; he owes his mom $200 because he asked her to buy him a new jersey while he was at camp. *sigh* I wanted to ask "are you going to call her from Iraq for a new baseball cap?". But I didn't. I just listened.

I realize the military is a great option for people like him who have no idea what they would do otherwise, but it just doesn't seem right for a kid, barely 18, to be on the front lines of something that is so far beyond their comprehension...

This is not inviting a military debate, just a highlight, or low light as the case may be, of my travels.

It's been a month since I've seen my guy and this time around it's been extremely difficult to deal with, so late last week I was wishfully checking flights for tonight until Friday morning. I know people who travel a lot would think nothing of that, but to me, only having two full days at my destination would be unfulfilling and frustrating given the cost and hassle of travel. But, I have obligations to a scene partner at an acting class tonight and I was led to believe that the tour guides selected to work Halloween Horror nights were victims of the Terror Tram every weekend in October...

So imagine my mixed emotions when I got the schedule this past Friday evening to find I hadn't received a single shift. "How are you to plan anything with such an inconsistent, late-breaking schedule?! How am I to pay my bills??!!" But that reaction lasted a nano second and was pushed aside by the joy of "I CAN GO HOME FOR A WEEK!" Well, almost a week. I'm taking a red-eye tonight after class and fly back Monday.

I know I'll be home for a considerable amount of time in December, so this trip, my man and I are being extremely selfish with our time together (with the exception of seeing a family member that will also be in from out-of-town).

I don't know if it's just in my head, or if the stigma really exists, but there's a negative vibe around "going home." It's like, if you're not in LA working your ass off, you must not really care about your career. With the sporadic nature and short notice of all types of work in this crazy town, it is much easier to receive visitors. Nonetheless, I know I need this.

When I moved out here we said we'd see each other at least once a month and take turns flying back and forth. We've stretched that a bit and I have not kept up my end of the travel bargain, as this is only my second trip back in six months.

I’m looking at my lack of auditions and work this week as a huge opportunity! The timing is actually perfect – I’m still sorting through my new headshots, gathering opinions and driving myself crazy trying to choose the two to reproduce. Tonight and next week in my acting class we are working on scenes, as opposed to seeing casting directors, to whom I would need to give an 8x10 headshot. Dealing with headshots and not being scheduled to see casting directors gives me some room to breathe. Also, since getting the new shots I can’t bring myself to submit with the old, horrible one; thus, the lack of auditions. I do need to hurry up, select and get some new ones online and start submitting again, but the positive part of that is, since I haven’t been submitting it’s unlikely I’ll get an audition and have to deal with another heartbreaking Murphy’s Law situation while I’m home this time.

And now to try to pack for fall in Ohio... Uhg!

Insomnia

The only point of this post is to say I can not stand myself and the sleep schedule I have had for the past week or so. The past two days I've been awake until 5 or 6 a.m., slept until 3 or 4 p.m. and had to rush to work at 5 or 6 p.m... :(

Hello from Halloween Horror Nights!

"Halloween already?" Yes!

Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights began yesterday and tonight our tram loading area is busier than I have ever seen it! Last night I was a guide on the "Terror Trams" but tonight I am an STA, aka a door opener on the backlot. Basically the guests watch a scary video about nightmares and Freddie Krugger while they're driven to some backlot sets. The guide gives a bs reason that they have to get off the tram and walk. I am amazed at the amount of people I've heard tonight bitching about it! They're getting to WALK through Whoville sets, beside the Bates Motel and Psycho house and through the War of the Worlds set with the crashed 747 before getting back on a tram and going through the Mummy's tomb!!! Amazing!

Have I gone through any of the haunted stuff? Hell no!!! I couldn't even deal with the monsters up in the park on employee preview night long enough to get the free food!

Breaks over...

Busy, but blue.

Do you ever have those days (or weeks) when things seem to be great, but you still don't feel happy? I've been incredibly busy but at the end of they day (which is back to 4 a.m. for me) I don't feel like I've accomplished much... The good news is my photo shoot went very well Tuesday and I have several wonderful new headshot options to sort through. Also with Universal's Halloween festivities running all month I'll be getting more work. More about all that later...

Chalking it up to good experience - Part 1 of ?

Last week was pretty good, in terms of the industry – I had four auditions and went to two casting director seminars. But no, none of it really amounted to anything.

The Music Video Audition

Last Tuesday I auditioned for that country music video. The requirements of the audition itself were a bit awkward, so lucky for me I was familiar with the location and people running the audition. The main casting director was my acting teacher, thus the reason I got an audition. It was held at the theatre below where our class is held; I had never been in that theatre, but knew the area, travel time and parking. Two of my classmates sometimes assist my acting teacher and they were two of the three gentlemen actually in the audition room, running the camera and such.

All of that made it very easy for me, what wasn’t easy for any of us was the multifaceted, improv audition. First we had to walk onstage, as if coming out of a church, pretending to read a book, then act startled by the hot bad boy waiting for us. A male actor was actually there to speak to us, but he was not in the camera shot. He asked to take us for a ride on his motorcycle and we were to say “I don’t accept rides from local ruffians,” as if we didn’t know him, and then improv a playful, coy conversation from there, the reality being that he is our boyfriend. Then, we had to do a cat-and-mouse playful chase around a chair that was onstage to represent his bike. As to not take away from the girls’ audition, the male actor did not really chase us or be chased; obviously that part felt a bit silly, but I did my best to be in the moment, as if I was really goofing around with my guy. Finally, after dizzying ourselves, we were to look into the camera and act as if we were speaking to a friend, telling her both how he turns us on, but also why we’re running away to spend our life with him! They were looking for someone who could go instantly from innocent and playful to overtly sexual.

It was fun, but certainly not as easy as interpreting and delivering a script. I felt like I was in and out of the audition room rather quickly. This sounds mean, but some of the other girls in the waiting area seemed like bimbos. I was able to go through each step of the audition seamlessly without prompting; I simply can not believe some of the other girls could have done that. The bitch of it is, stopping to ask, “um, like what do I do next?” was probably the moment that showed something the director liked! LOL!

I’m not saying the video director or artist are looking for a bimbo, rather that moment of naivety could have been golden. So anyway, no I didn’t even get a callback, but one of the guys from my acting class was cast as the bad boy!

New headshots today!!!

I picked up shifts at Universal Sunday and Monday and wish me luck - this afternoon I'm having new headshots taken! I should be getting my beauty sleep right now, so here's a quick copy-and-pasted look inside an email I just wrote to someone very special:

Anyway... you may be surprised to read that I'm not at all packed and ready for my photo shoot and I'm not the least bit stressed about it! Odd. I have come to realize all I ever worry about are the things that never end up mattering in the end. I have a few outfits in mind that I know will be great. I've looked at a lot of other peoples shots and in most cased you barely see the clothes, so I'm trying to keep it simple on myself. I've decided to go with my hair hot rolled - not like crazy curly or done up, but just normal with some body and bend at the end. I'm going to take my blow drying and if half way through I have somewhere to wet and straighten it, that'll be cool... if not, it's not a big deal. Instead of the tedious clothes and makeup stuff I'm thinking about what sort of moments I want to capture - by that I mean planning the things that will be running through my mind and coming out through my eyes and expression. Of course the most important thing is that they look like me, but if the picture represents a character when a casting director looks at it, I want them to see what line my character is saying. I think that is far more important than worrying if my outfit says "bad girl" or "nerd" or whatever... Does that make sense? [Photographer's name] is giving me a great deal - $200 for 3 to 5 looks, so I'm just going to go have a good time and trust the result will be better than what I already have...

"You're from the Midwest, arent' you?"

These were the words from a stranger behind me as I stood in line at Samuel French, a bookstore specializing in all things theatre and film. I turned around, smiled and asked, "How did you know?"

This happened Tuesday and I had just come from my audition for the country music video. The role was a cute but sexy 17 year old preachers daughter who runs off with a hot motorcycle bad boy. Thus, I was in brown boots, tight jeans and a cute but simple top that showed cleavage. My make up was minimal and my hair was in a headband, in hopes of capturing maximum youthfulness.

The first gentleman and the guy behind him both agreed they could "just tell" I was from the Midwest. "How old do you think I am," I asked. He literally took a step backward, shaking his head and refusing to answer. "It's fine," I laughed, "We're obviously all in the industry..."

"Do you want me to insult you high or insult you low?"

I assured him he wasn't going to insult me at all. He remained hesitant until I insisted he stop over thinking it and just say whatever number had originally popped in his head.

Finally he answered, "Well, before you opened your mouth I'd say between 20 and 22, but now that we've spoken I'd say 27 or 28."

Interesting...

The yes-man behind him agreed again, "I thought you were younger at first too, but you carry yourself very well."

"Damn maturity!" I joked, thanked them and went on my way...

My man got a callback!

I know what you're thinking, "Huh? I thought your 'manfriend,' or whatever odd thing you call him, was a sales manager in Ohio, not an actor?" That's correct. But, after he did a great deal of cleaning, organizing, fixing, fussing, weed-pulling and temporary pet relocation, a showing of our home has proven hopeful. A couple who, according to their realtor have not like the past 20+ homes they've seen, looked at ours Saturday and would to come back for a second tour!

In my world, that's called a callback! :)

I am so proud of my beau! I know he's put in a lot of work on annoying little things that I regret not helping with before I moved.
Thank you baby, you're the best!

Ah, yes, auditioning is why I moved across the country!

It seems projects in this town come in waves; some weeks the booking websites will be full of great breakdowns, other weeks, there's nothing... There has actually been a good amount to filter through lately. Although, I've been more selective in what I submit for; by that I mean I play the role of casting director and only submit for parts that I truly think I'd be called in for. I've heard from multiple casting directors that submitting for everything not only lowers the percentage of auditions you get, but never getting called in also lowers your self esteem! It's better to submit a little and get called in a lot. With gas prices and the dread of LA traffic, I also careful consider travel versus compensation versus networking and experience.

Anyway, I had and have some auditions which are thankfully helping to pull me out of that funk I kept whining about. This past Friday I auditioned for the director and writer I worked with for the short musical festival back in May and June; they're doing a play that will be part of the same theatre company's "ACTober Fest." I doubt I got the part at this point because I haven't heard from them, but at the audition they were pleased that I "got" the character and all the nuance in the writing. They said my acting and facial reactions were wonderful, but that I was a bit too perky for this bitchy, dry character. I don't think there's much I could do about that; sweet and perky is probably how they'll always see me, since that was the character I originally played for them for four weeks.

Whether I get it or not, I finally experienced something I should go into every audition with - calm and confidence. Because I knew exactly where I was going and the people I'd be auditioning for, there were no nerves, no panic about being on time and finding parking, no concern that the project might not be what I thought it was... I was able to walk in without a care in the world and give a solid reading that I'm proud of. As an actor, that is all you can ask of yourself.

I booked legitimate extra work on a non-union film for this afternoon. I was going to get fifty bucks for six hours of work as a high school prom-goer, however, I had to bail on them at the last minute. I hate looking unreliable, but in this town you have to take the better opportunity... In this case, my acting teacher, who is also a casting director, alerted the class to a breakdown for a popular country singers music video that he is casting. I was called in to audition for the 17 year old, sweet but sexy teenage lead; my audition is right in the middle of the extra work. Everyone always thinks I'm younger than I actually am, but 17? I don't know, but I'm willing to show up with next to no makeup and channel my inner teenager to the best of my ability!

My guilt about bailing lessened when I got a second audition for today that would have also conflicted with the extra work. This audition is for a non paying student film. When it comes to submitting for student films, I go through phases; sometimes I ignore them completely, other times I'll submit if the story or character intrigues me. Or, in this case, if the shoot would be convenient. This student film is shooting on Universals backlot! In my submission notes I wrote that I as a tour guide I already have clearance to the backlot. I don't know if they're calling me in based on that convenience, or if they really like me for the part; either way, I would absolutely LOVE to actually act on the backlot. Even for a student film, it would be fucking amazing! The funny part is, the role is a bustling New York pedestrian. Hhhmmm... Where exactly on the backlot are they filming? I can't wait to walk in to the audition and ask, "You realize New York street burnt down about four months ago, right?"

Speaking of Universal, I'll be auditioning to get into their prestigious industry showcase this Thursday. They only take twenty guides (meaning ten scenes, each running two minutes or less). I've been told you often have to pay to get into talent showcases, and even then they're usually at some seedy bar with no real industry folks in attendance. So the opportunity to be in a completely reputable showcase, now in its 23rd year is very exciting! Although he's not in our class, my acting teacher allowed my scene partner/fellow tour guide to come to class last night and worked with us before and after the cold reads with the guest casting director. We're doing a hilarious scene from the musical, turned movie, The Full Monty. No, no one gets naked in our scene, but I do throw a g-string at him with rage, thinking he is cheating on me. In actuality he's trying to become a stripper to make extra cash; it's funny because both the character and my scene partner are bigger guys. It works for us because we're both musical theatre types; it works for the showcase audition which will be cast by TV types because fat guys with cute skinny wives are very common on TV sitcoms right now. Thus, we're showing both our talent and castability!

And now that it's going on 4 a.m., I should probably get some beauty sleep to help me look more like a 17 year old...