Saturday, July 12, 2008

Fighting sleep like a baby...

It’s just after 7 a.m. in LA and I haven’t slept yet. I finally got under the covers to try to sleep about a half hour ago, but it isn’t working. Am I tired? Yes, but I just can’t shut off my mind.

I’ve always joked about being an insomniac, but I’m pretty sure this is real. I’d always stay up until 1 or 2, but since moving here that turned into 3 or 4 and over the past few days it’s been 5 or 6. I know I should “pull an all-nighter” to tire myself out so I can go to bed at a normal time the next night, but the trouble is getting through the hours of 6 to 9ish… That’s when nothing’s going on. You can’t run errands yet, but you’ve also exhausted your busy work around the house and online. Right now I don’t feel a second wind coming, but I also can’t sleep.

Has this had a negative effect on my overall success and productivity? Yes, of course. That in turn makes me feel like a huge loser which only contributes to the emotional disparity that is more than likely causing the insomnia. Oh my gawd - make it stop!

Here’s what I wrote to my boyfriend the other day, “I’m fighting sleep for no good reason, just like an infant! I do not want to be on a nocturnal schedule; I hate how it makes me feel and how little I accomplish because of it. I know I’ve always been this way to a degree, but it’s so much worse because I have no reason to go to bed – I don’t have you to cuddle up to or you to wake up beside. In addition to that, it’s almost like staying awake keeps the next day from coming, even though I know sleep will help me face whatever challenges I have the next day, I just don’t want them to come because I don’t want to face them alone…”

You may be wondering, “If you’re awake in the middle of the night, why haven’t you blogged here?” Well, as you may have gathered from the passage above, I can’t seem to get out of a rut I found myself in a couple weeks ago. When your emotions are on overload, it’s hard to make sense of any of them or anything and thus, I haven’t felt much like writing. I’ve still done everything I have to do, for the most part; I worked this week, had an acting class and went on auditions for a short film and a Little Caesars commercial.

I've been here before. I know it'll work itself out when I have a few days in a row with morning things I have to get up for... that just hasn't happened yet. Once again, my dream schedule is a nightmare. Dream, nightmare... if only I could go to sleep and have either one!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Sorry that you are having trouble sleeping. When Mark was in Iraq I would do the same thing. I could get through a day and not want to go to sleep and have to do it all over again. Eventually it gets better, it just takes time. Try watching some mindless TV. "Stupid Shows". I found that they helped settle my mind down. They could make me laugh which is always good therapy. Hopefully your house will sell soon and Loren can join you soon. Love hearing about your adventures and maybe we can come out and visit you someday soon.

Now go get some rest!!!!!

Jenny J.