Sunday, July 5, 2009


I have not been sleeping at night; it's ridiculous!

It's now 5:20 a.m. and I haven't gone to bed. It's been like this for a few days now. Yesterday was really bad; I was awake until 9 a.m. and then slept until 5 or 6 in the afternoon, completely missing any possible Independence Day celebrations.

It's easy to blame this on the all night Iron Man shoots, but I don't really think that's it. It certainly didn't helped, but moreover there's some sort of bored energy that pushes the normal 2 a.m. bedtime into 4 a.m., 5 a.m., or later... I think I'm so bummed that I'm alone each night with nothing to do, that for some stupid reason going to sleep makes it seem even worse. Does that make any sense at all? The annoying thing is that I can't really account for the lost time. It doesn't feel like hours pass by, rather, all of a sudden it's tomorrow! The main way I've spent the phantom time is building a website of sorts.

It's actually a blog because that's what I'm familiar with, but I'm attempting to pass it off as my official actor website by removing as many blog attributes as possible Along with it though, I've set up another actor blog and will begin "tweeting" actor things, even though I think Twitter is really lame. I even broke down and purchased my domain name for $10. It hasn't gone live yet, but this faux website will be at, hopefully in a day or two. I thought it would happen immediately, but apparently internet magic takes one to three days.

Basically, the website and actor blog will make everything look and sound wonderful, but I'll still share the real story here! Not only is it just smart for me to own my domain name, I'm going to use this to hold myself accountable. It'll probably just increase my stress level, but hopefully I can make that work for me. Public opinion has been a part of my life for several years now as a pageant contestant and then a TV spokesperson; although I wish I didn't, the fact is that I do care what people think. Honestly, we all do!

When I was in high school and college I was always really busy and always competing and winning things. No longer receiving tangible awards that are tall or sparkly or written about in a newspaper feels odd!!! As most of you know, the pageant circuit is a place where you need to be constantly active and accomplished. Since moving on to this new phase of my life, there have been periods of time when I couldn't answer the questions "what are you doing now days? What are you up to? What's new?" At least I didn't have an answer that sounded good enough to me or impressive enough to suit my former active college/pageant contestant self.

I figure with the public actor website, blog and twitter, I'll be motivated by a fear of public scrutiny! That doesn't sound healthy does it...? Let's put it this way, if I spin everything into a positive light for those sites, maybe I'll start to believe my own bullshit instead of being such a downer all the time! We'll see... If nothing else, I now own, even though google is holding it hostage out there somewhere in the depths of cyberspace.

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