Friday, June 19, 2009

"Wait, what?"

That is what I keep saying to myself. "I'm sorry, what? You'll have to explain this again because it can't be right..."

What am I talking about? My life! My current existence. This situation I find myself in. My guy was here for seven days, which is his longest trip yet; he usually distributes his days off in shorter segments. We had an absolutely wonderful time. We visited three different beaches, we hiked three different canyons, we went to two films, spent a day at Universal, had a picnic at the park... We're just good together! It's instant; I totally forgot it was even his first day here until he noted it was 2 a.m., his time. I could go on and on with the sappiness, the point is that my life is full and complete when my true love is here to share it with. Being reminded of that for not just three or four, but seven days, made his departure the hardest yet. At the airport he had to put me back in my car and walk away.

My life is so hollow without someone to share things with. I do nothing. NOTHING! Sure, I have a few friends out here and one of my roommates is awesome, but everything with everybody is "we should do...," "we should meet...," "I'll let you know..." And that's as much my fault as theirs, probably more so. When that one special person is present in your life, you actually go and you do and you, I don't... LIVE!

In that week I became so used to not being alone anymore, I am now completely lost. Last night I wrote to my guy, "I feel honestly confused and paralyzed at the idea that you're not here anymore, that we're not going to wake up and go hiking tomorrow, that I will spend my day at the most unfulfilling job I've ever had only to come back to this apartment and have absolutely nothing of major importance to do... I mean, that can't be right, can it? How is it that we have the one thing most people can never find, and yet, we can't fully enjoy it? I just feel like I can't, can't, CAN'T keep living like this, without you."

So needless to say I was none to happy about going back to my daily grind yesterday. I started off a bit behind schedule, but then it was shot to hell when the apartment manager stopped by. It was an issue I had to talk to her about. Obviously it's my fault that a few minutes would push me into serious lateness; what wasn't my fault was not being able to find the lid to the container I wanted to take coffee in. I hate my kitchen and my roommates lack of cleanliness and organization. So frustration was added to my apathy.

Once in my car, the very first bump I hit on my side street knocked my rear view mirror off my window. My guy had forgotten it was broken and had tried to adjust it early in the week, thus disturbing the way it had been rigged up there for over a year. It was dangling by a 4 inch wire, swirling around and bouncing against the window.

I merged onto the highway to find a bumper-to-bumper traffic moving at a snails pace.
Yes, I'm in LA, which is known for traffic, but for the place and time, this was abnormal. Without the mirror I couldn't possibly get across four lanes of traffic to the "fast lanes" in which I could have upgraded to turtles pace.

Tears. Instant, pathetic, stupid tears start rolling down my face. None of it was worth the hassle. When you're alone in the world again it's even harder to power through the things that you hate...

Last Tuesday, when I last worked,
they made a huge deal about tardiness, saying if you were late you'd get the worst agent number (meaning really old leads) and they won't do any take-overs for you. I don't know if they're actually enforcing that or if it was a one day threat, but it deterred me from trying to get there at all. By my standards, my mascara streaked cheeks and red nose could not be seen in public, so I got off the highway at the next exit and drove back to my apartment. I know I'm going to be on probation; I'll absolutely have to get five deals in a week to keep that job, but I don't want that job.

I thought after a week off I could go back refreshed, but instead it made me dread it more than ever. When you're in a routine, it's just what you do, but once you step away from it, you can see how truly horrible it is! Why the hell are we enduring such loneliness during our long weeks apart and debilitating angst with every goodbye, when I'm not even doing what I'm here to do? I mean, I'm selling fucking auto warranties from 1 to 7 p.m., which renders me nearly incapable of auditions and classes. The job boasts of flexibility, but that's only for the "hitters," as they call them. If you don't sell enough, you can't constantly get time off for this and that. This is a job that I honestly don't want to be good at, even though it's a decent company and product, I can't stand the tactics. Most of the people who are successful, are absolute douchebags who work longer hours; they think they're god's gift to warranty sales, as if that's an impressive life accomplishment.

I know my goal was to get a day job and save some money, but after a month and a half of doing just that, I find myself freaking out. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? I haven't gone on a real audition in a month! I'm no closer to having a good agent than I was six months ago and our house in Ohio has been on the market for a year now. Why? Certainly not so I could spend all my time selling shitty auto warranties over the phone. If I wanted to waste my life in an unfulfilling job, I could have stayed in Ohio and avoided the heartache.

As for that horrible job I blew off yesterday, I think I could probably waltz in today without consequence. If by chance someone actually notices and mentions that I was supposed have been there yesterday, I think I could play dumb. Oops. Did I write down the wrong date? My guy says he would fire one of his sales people for something like that. I don't care. I know my number is about up anyway. The funny part is that I was more motivated to outlast the people I trained with than by my earning potential. Now that I am the last of my class left on my shift, what have I to strive for? Um, actually keeping my job and making tons of money? Well, yes, there's that, but this is not a company at which I'll flourish, and I'm okay with that. I really like that I'm stimulated by something other than money. Being the last one to endure was so much more fulfilling than successfully selling a markup to a customer who is fighting tooth and nail not to buy...

Some friends were really supportive, saying I deserved a "mental health day!" I don't know that it helped though. I did nothing yesterday and feel more lost than ever. It's like I just woke up from a coma or something; I'm really trying to understand what's going on around me and it just doens't make sense.

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