Thursday, January 29, 2009

I am NOT moving back to Ohio...

... But I didn't go back to California.

At moments like this I wish I had never started this stupid blog. Honestly sharing my current feelings and happenings quite frankly sucks. A few years ago when I was keeping up appearances on a less candid blog, I probably would have written this:

Luckily some bonus funds are covering the final few months of my current lease in California which gives me the opportunity to stay in Ohio a little while longer, guilt free! Since the New Year we've had a few prospective buyers come through our house, as opposed to the pathetic one in the six weeks prior. It just makes sense for me to be here now to help with showings. I was very unhappy by myself, so I'm excited to be actively helping to do what it takes to get my partner to LA with me! My return to California is indefinite, but always just a cheap one way ticket away.

In other exciting news, I received submission guidelines for sending an audition video to QVC! I need to record myself selling two different items, three minutes each! I've been watching QVC and trying to decide what to faux sell.


Okay, so that is what's going on, but not at all an honest assessment. I do have a good reason to still be here, but had I wanted to go back to LA, I would have. I feel like such a loser; even though I was incredibly depressed in Cali by myself, I feel like I should be persevering anyway. Oh, and as for "guilt free," that's total bullshit. Even if the apartment is being covered by "bonus money," I still feel like I'm wasteful for not being there.

I have some great friends who have been incredibly supportive; I only wish I could be as nonjudgmental of myself. Deciding whether or not to depart on the 20th was agonizing.; the pros and cons of staying a bit longer or going back were uselessly even. My biggest fear is that people will think I've given up already. A week has gone by and I'm still conflicted, but I am sure I will be going back to LA in the near future. After all, my car, almost all my clothes and other things are still there. As for my jobs, I'm a seasonal employee at Universal, so I haven't been on the schedule since Christmas, making this is a good time to not be there. My paperwork isn't complete for the Observatory; hopefully they'll still be interested in finalizing it when I do return.

So there it is...

I'll try to blog more, but it's hard to do when I'm feeling like shit about myself and don't have much to write about.


Mombi said...

You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself! The fact that you share a lot of your feelings and life online doesn't mean that people get to weigh in on your decisions.

You've gotta do what's right for you and L!


Anonymous said...

You just take your time and weigh your options!