Tuesday night I found myself at an iconic diner downtown in the wee hours of the morning, having gone to karaoke night with acting classmates again. Wednesday night I pulled an all-nighter studying Tour Guide material since we had to be "off book" Thursday. It was just like college - I'd always procrastinate all day long, then get the energy and motivation to write papers or speeches around 10 p.m. and then stay up all night getting it done. Surprisingly, I was fine at training all day Thursday, I'd even argue that running on the adrenalin of no sleep made me better than normal.
I know, I know... it's not healthy and it's not a habit I plan to get into. It really came back to bite me yesterday when I worked all day then had to get to the second weekend of my show. We didn't rehearsed this week, so everyone was a little rusty and energy is low because our audiences are pretty small. So if anyone is in the LA area, please look up "The 10s" and come see it!
After the show I had to rehearse one of the musicals I'm in because we're switching from a live pianist to recorded accompaniment. The composer recorded a faster tempo for pretty much everything, so I fear tonight will be really rough!
My onstage boyfriend, who is in both shows I'm in, and I tried to meet up with another cast mate and her boyfriend for food, but had no luck. You'd think in any big city that things would be open late, but at 11 p.m. on a Friday, all the kitchens were closed. Unlike NYC, LA goes to sleep early, so we went back to the onstage b-fs place instead.
Talk about feeling like a college student - He recently moved into a house with a couple other roommates, one of whom has tons of gorgeous inherited antiques. I felt like I was in a mature atmosphere again, as opposed to my unfinished living area that has only a love seat and no dining table, or my bedroom where I'm using a cardboard box as a fucking desk and my bedding which was a sale brand usually targeted for teens and dorm rooms.
Being back in a home, with complete furnishings, a new washer and dryer and pets made me feel so empty and depressed. At the same time though, I was so excited to be hanging out with great new people. After we had gone country line dancing at the gay bar last Friday, I had joked with my real boyfriend that "Operation make _____ and _____ my new best friends" was moving along nicely! All joking aside, I can't stand feeling this way - like a nerdy looser who just wants someone to like them. I've never had a lot of friends, especially female friends, but I have always had a serious boyfriend to spend my time with so the lack of other friends didn't really matter. Since my boyfriend isn't here though, I am experiencing a longing for companionship that I haven't felt since adolescence.
It's a feeling I do not enjoy. Especially last week when I thought I had really fucked up my friendship with my onstage b-f... After last Saturday's show I was getting in my car to leave and two little girls from another show ran out to me, "Can we ask you a question?"
"Sure," I replied with a smile, since the adoration of little girls is something that is normal to me. "Are you and that guy really boyfriend and girlfriend, like in real life?"
I laughed and in a very "Karen Walker" ala Will and Grace tone I said, "Oh honey, he's gay!" After a short moment of surprise the girls joked that all the nice and cute boys are alway gay... as if they'd already experienced it.
The next day I was eager to tell my onstage b-f the "funny story," actually I had wanted to call him after it happened, but restrained. My heart sank when instead of laughing he just looked at me and said, "You outed me to ten year olds?"
"Well I thanked them," I backpedaled, "because we must be convincing onstage." To which he quiped, "They're ten, they'd think anyone who kissed were together."
I, of course, apologized profusely, "I'm so sorry... I guess I wasn't thinking, I thought it was funny and it just came out..." Adding in a last line of defense, "I think they're more like twelve and they're theatre kids in LA, so it's not like they don't know what gay is!"
In Ohio, people who know me know I'm extremely sensitive to race, sexuality and religious issues. I believe in complete equality; though I was raised in a small conservative town, my nephews and niece are all bi-racial and one of my brothers is gay, so I can't stand bigotry. That being said, among certain groups of friends certain types of jokes were understood... Here in LA, I feel like my values and what I thought I knew about myself are unraveling. IE: the post about the Hispanic construction workers in North Hollywood and now this gay issue...
I feel like people are getting the wrong impression and I keep putting my foot in my mouth about issues that I'm usually on the other side of! I want to say, "It's cool, my brother's gay and I appreciate the beauty and sexuality of everyone...and I never want to get legally wed in part because the marriage laws in this country are bullshit..." But I can't, and won't say that, until it comes up organically because I know how naive it sounds. It's like claiming you can use the N-word because you have "a black friend." No. No, you can't.
Anyway... hanging out last night made everything seem okay again. Of course, anytime your feet are dipped in a backyard pool that feels like bathwater, with a six week old pug puppy on your lap, life is good.
What makes life even better is that my boyfriend is flying into LA tonight! I have to rush from my show to the airport and he'll be staying until Wednesday afternoon. Thank goodness! I can stop feeling like a kid who needs friends and live in the normalcy of sharing my life with my one true companion... at least for a few days.
I know, I know... it's not healthy and it's not a habit I plan to get into. It really came back to bite me yesterday when I worked all day then had to get to the second weekend of my show. We didn't rehearsed this week, so everyone was a little rusty and energy is low because our audiences are pretty small. So if anyone is in the LA area, please look up "The 10s" and come see it!
After the show I had to rehearse one of the musicals I'm in because we're switching from a live pianist to recorded accompaniment. The composer recorded a faster tempo for pretty much everything, so I fear tonight will be really rough!
My onstage boyfriend, who is in both shows I'm in, and I tried to meet up with another cast mate and her boyfriend for food, but had no luck. You'd think in any big city that things would be open late, but at 11 p.m. on a Friday, all the kitchens were closed. Unlike NYC, LA goes to sleep early, so we went back to the onstage b-fs place instead.
Talk about feeling like a college student - He recently moved into a house with a couple other roommates, one of whom has tons of gorgeous inherited antiques. I felt like I was in a mature atmosphere again, as opposed to my unfinished living area that has only a love seat and no dining table, or my bedroom where I'm using a cardboard box as a fucking desk and my bedding which was a sale brand usually targeted for teens and dorm rooms.
Being back in a home, with complete furnishings, a new washer and dryer and pets made me feel so empty and depressed. At the same time though, I was so excited to be hanging out with great new people. After we had gone country line dancing at the gay bar last Friday, I had joked with my real boyfriend that "Operation make _____ and _____ my new best friends" was moving along nicely! All joking aside, I can't stand feeling this way - like a nerdy looser who just wants someone to like them. I've never had a lot of friends, especially female friends, but I have always had a serious boyfriend to spend my time with so the lack of other friends didn't really matter. Since my boyfriend isn't here though, I am experiencing a longing for companionship that I haven't felt since adolescence.
It's a feeling I do not enjoy. Especially last week when I thought I had really fucked up my friendship with my onstage b-f... After last Saturday's show I was getting in my car to leave and two little girls from another show ran out to me, "Can we ask you a question?"
"Sure," I replied with a smile, since the adoration of little girls is something that is normal to me. "Are you and that guy really boyfriend and girlfriend, like in real life?"
I laughed and in a very "Karen Walker" ala Will and Grace tone I said, "Oh honey, he's gay!" After a short moment of surprise the girls joked that all the nice and cute boys are alway gay... as if they'd already experienced it.
The next day I was eager to tell my onstage b-f the "funny story," actually I had wanted to call him after it happened, but restrained. My heart sank when instead of laughing he just looked at me and said, "You outed me to ten year olds?"
"Well I thanked them," I backpedaled, "because we must be convincing onstage." To which he quiped, "They're ten, they'd think anyone who kissed were together."
I, of course, apologized profusely, "I'm so sorry... I guess I wasn't thinking, I thought it was funny and it just came out..." Adding in a last line of defense, "I think they're more like twelve and they're theatre kids in LA, so it's not like they don't know what gay is!"
In Ohio, people who know me know I'm extremely sensitive to race, sexuality and religious issues. I believe in complete equality; though I was raised in a small conservative town, my nephews and niece are all bi-racial and one of my brothers is gay, so I can't stand bigotry. That being said, among certain groups of friends certain types of jokes were understood... Here in LA, I feel like my values and what I thought I knew about myself are unraveling. IE: the post about the Hispanic construction workers in North Hollywood and now this gay issue...
I feel like people are getting the wrong impression and I keep putting my foot in my mouth about issues that I'm usually on the other side of! I want to say, "It's cool, my brother's gay and I appreciate the beauty and sexuality of everyone...and I never want to get legally wed in part because the marriage laws in this country are bullshit..." But I can't, and won't say that, until it comes up organically because I know how naive it sounds. It's like claiming you can use the N-word because you have "a black friend." No. No, you can't.
Anyway... hanging out last night made everything seem okay again. Of course, anytime your feet are dipped in a backyard pool that feels like bathwater, with a six week old pug puppy on your lap, life is good.
What makes life even better is that my boyfriend is flying into LA tonight! I have to rush from my show to the airport and he'll be staying until Wednesday afternoon. Thank goodness! I can stop feeling like a kid who needs friends and live in the normalcy of sharing my life with my one true companion... at least for a few days.
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