Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Musings from an airplane

Written 10.13.08; 8 p.m.ish EST:

I should be memorizing a scene for tomorrow night’s acting class as I sit aboard an aircraft swiftly dragging me back to LA at thirty-some thousand feet. That stupid scene is the only reason I am on this flight; I don’t have to work until Saturday and would have changed my ticket to Friday if not for my obligation to my scene partner. I guess it’s really less about the him and more about the opinion of my acting teacher. My current scene partner is also in a distance relationship with his partner, so he understands my circumstance. I’m sure he could easily present a monologue tomorrow night, but I do not want to look unreliable in anyone’s eyes. Skipping class could lead to calling off that one measly shift and then when would it end…?

On the way to the airport my guy asked me if I even had fun this visit and “Did it only make things worse?” “I got to see you, so I could never call it ‘worse,’” I answered.

The truth, as I went on to explained to him, is that it’s harder this time because there’s nothing new and exciting about going back to LA. I have my apartment, my acting class, my job and a basic understanding of how everything works. I’ve always known it would be difficult and now I understand the logistics of that reality. Friends disagree, but I have never felt I am a very motivated person, thus, running the business of “me the actor” is a constant struggle. I hate to admit it, but I work better with a little bit of structure to hold me accountable.

With neither structure nor the physical presence of my greatest supporters, the past couple months have been very difficult. My roommate works long hours and has a serious boyfriend that she spends most of her free time with, so I have gone over two weeks without seeing her. I still talk to a couple castmates from the musical festival and know some cool people from work and acting class, but I can count on one hand the times I’ve been out with them. Restaurants are expensive, I don’t drink and drive and I don’t want to deal with being hit on… As result of my lacking human interaction, I’ve developed a very unnatural relationship with Michael Phelps. I talk to him everyday when I feed him breakfast.
He’s my pet Beta fish. :)

Although I have my new headshots and should be excited about now getting a manager and better agent… I’m… I don’t know what I am. I’m not unexcited, but not as energized as I should be. I’m just tired of doing everything on my own. I know I’m not alone; I talk to my guy a million times a day via phone, webcam, text and email. Nonetheless, the feeling of loneliness is extremely draining.

In addition to not wanting to go back to all those negative aspects, it was difficult to once again see all I had left and am asking my guy to leave. I love our home! It is so beautiful and comfortable and full of memories. If you could see my house and watch how my guy treats me, for even five minutes, you would think I was absolutely, committably crazy for leaving it. It’s stupid and foolish and beyond comprehension. What the fuck is wrong with me? In Ohio I already have what some people search their lives for. Even though I was fulfilled to be spending time with my loved ones and pets, I still felt the sadness and conflict associated with everything in our lives being upside down right now.

If you think this sounds like I’m waving a literary white flag, then you don’t know me very well. I’m like our Great Dane stuck in the MINI Cooper, or a cat up a tree… With ever step I take forward, the path behind me disappears. I won’t go back; I can’t. Like our dog the other day, I’ll sit in the car, equally terrified of going back the way I came and eagerly waiting for the car to move and take me somewhere wonderful. I have no doubt that the vehicle that is my career will take off, it’s just that sometimes being the driver is beyond overwhelming. Okay, enough with the bad car analogies…

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I was wondering why you decided on LA versus NY. I always thought you belong on Broadway!