Friday, October 31, 2008

It's Raining!!!

Well, it's stopped now, but it was! :)

I was so excited to be distracted by an odd noise coming from my balcony. Although it's a cold rain, I stood in it with a big grin on my face like an idiot. More than the feeling of the cold wet drops against my face, I had forgotten about the smell. It's so distinct but indescribable.

When I was home a few weeks ago a friend teased me, asking, "are you really so obsessed with rain?" YES! You'd be amazed how much you miss it when you go for months, not weeks but months, without it. People say they move to places like California and Florida "for the weather." Now that I'm here, I say bullshit! There is no weather here! There's earthquakes and fires and sunshine, but no actual weather.

Anyway, I found myself cold and kind of bored, so I put on a jacket and fuzzy leopard print slippers, returned to my balcony and asked "now what?" It was 5:30 a.m. and still kind of dark. Was is it safe? Could I go for a walk in the rain? In my opinion, anything past 5 a.m. seems like a safe hour. Surely criminals are passed out by then, but it was still dark... Instead of going anywhere I called my guy who was just arriving to work dressed as a duck hunter for the holiday and getting reactions from his coworkers/our friends. Then I called my mom who was baking a cake on her day off for a Halloween party tomorrow night...


What are, things I don't have in LA, Alex.

Actually that's not true. I could have gone to a Halloween party hosted by a coworker Monday night, but I didn't. It's just not the same. Instead of all that familiarity, I'm here in LA where things feel like they're up-side-down. Literally.

I've been working evening shifts and getting home around 1 a.m. Then I'm awake until 4 or 5 a.m. and pretty much sleep until it's time to go to work the next day. Last night, I got home, fixed food and watched the 3 a.m. rebroadcast of Oprah and I'm still awake at 7 a.m. It really doesn't get much more up-side-down than that!

Aside from my fucked-up work and sleep schedule, I once again feel like I don't know what I'm doing here. I mean, I know what I'm here to do, but the execution isn't going so well. Earlier this fall I was overwhelmed with stress and sadness, so I took advantage of going home for a week. Immediately upon returning I was knocked on my ass with a medical issue, hence the line on the 18th, "I'm dealing with somethings that I can't disclose."

After reading that, my guy said, "People are going to this I broke up with you!" If you thought that, you were wrong and shame on you. Rather, I was ailing from physical symptoms as well as stress that it might be a major medical issue. Even after I was feeling better, test results were still missing! I got the bill for the fucking tests before I finally got word that it was far less serious than originally thought. It's virtually nothing. I expect scare tactics from politicians, but not my doctor! Anyway, I need not say what it was because... well, it wasn't. I'm absolutely fine, except for the fact that after the stress and the trip and the health scare, I've lost an entire month of my life!

Even though I got new headshots, I haven't done anything with them this past month and now I don't know what to do. I finally made the decision to come home for Thanksgiving and just stay until the New Year. Flying back and forth would just be silliness. Now I have less than a month in LA before that holiday break. Should I pursue sending my new headshots out to managers and agents or wait until I get back in January? How do I make the most of this month, without feeling like it's wasted time that could be spent with the one I love?

How did this happen; how does time just evaporate like this? I've been so ashamed that I've not done anything with my new headshots, and so consumed with health issues, I've obviously not been in the sharing, blogging mood, but there's nothing like a little rain to help clear your head. Well, not really, I still don't have answers to most things, but I finally felt something normal and natural. It was cold and wet and smelled amazing... and it made me feel better.

1 comment:

M said...

You are a strong woman and you'll get through this *bump* in the road. Maybe a little more extended time at home will be just the charge your little battery needs. New year, new possibilites. :-)